the old chwistine

To my new President: My humble message for P. Noy

2010-07-01T00:57:00.000+08:00

Dear P. Noy,

Congratulations! Yesterday you were sworn in as our country's 15th president. I cannot even begin to imagine how that must feel like. I think for a person to voluntarily subject him/herself to such immense duty and power, one must be extremely ambitious or delusional or compassionate or greedy or selfless - or an incomprehensible mixture of all of the above. But as they always say - it's a dirty job... and thank God some people actually want to do it!

Today, as you were getting ready for your inauguration, my family and I left home early to travel to Tanauan, Batangas and visit the Mabini Shrine. You see, my family are descendants of the Sublime Paralytic, and it felt like an appropriate time to pay homage to another great Filipino who paved the way for the democracy that we are enjoying now. As I stood before his tomb, I thought: What would our forefathers say if they saw the joke that we have turned this country into? How would they feel if they discover all those lives lost fighting our colonizers were lost so that we could steal from and deceive fellow Filipinos? I know you might have this at the back of your mind too, having lost your parents they way you did. But here before you is a chance to correct this; I hope you seize it, and make the most of it as you possibly can.

P. Noy, I did not vote for you. And while I believed that there is someone else out there more competent for the job, I watched in awe as the nation came together and rallied behind you. And this, I see, is your greatest gift. We have had many different kinds of presidents but none who seem to be quite as well-loved as you; you have inspired a hope in the Filipino people that, at least for the time being, caused many a kababayan to turn a blind eye to the obvious signs of our inefficiencies. That hope, quite honestly, should have already been gone considering years of our motherland's painfully slow progress and the suffering that many of our countrymen endure everyday from living in such a disorganized nation. I can understand how that hope has been replaced by apathy and a society that is often unimpressed with grand promises of a better tomorrow - we have seen far too many of those broken. But today, seeing the outpouring of support during your inauguration, I hope you can recognize just how desperate we are for good governance and how badly we need you to step up to the plate -- not after your first 100 days, not after the first half of your term -- but starting today, your first day as the President, and every single day hence.

I am sure many Filipinos feel and believe with all their heart that YOU are the answer. That YOU will change everything. Right now, you have the love of our people and with that, you can do no wrong. Not to point out the obvious, but yes, the country eagerly awaits for you to use this love and support well, to show them that they chose the right person to put in power. All eyes are on you and for once we actually care more for what you have to say than what your sister has to say. That is rare, and it might not last long, so you really need to get a move on.

P. Noy, I believe there is a group out there who are in-between; they are neutral Filipinos who, while they do not outright disparage or ridicule you, they are also not your most staunch or devoted of supporters. I belong to that group. We are a group that remains to be convinced, and quite frankly, we would love to be proven wrong. We would love to be shown that there never was any need to doubt you, Mr. President; that all your plans can be done and that you will do it.

I sincerely look forward to being proven wrong, because when that happens, P. Noy, it would mean that you have succeeded in pushing this country forward.

For now, I promise to be a good citizen; to not be a hindrance but an enabler for our country's development. And yes, you can expect me to send my OFW dollars back home. But I'm watching you. We all are.

With best regards and a whole lot of well wishes,
Teng

Hong Kong Chronicles: Day One

2010-02-28T20:16:00.000+08:00

It's day one in Hong Kong, and what a day it has been. First item on the schedule was to unpack and clear what little space I have in my "home" for the next two months: a studio unit at The V right in the heart of Causeway Bay. And yes, I put "home" in quotation marks because it is barely the size of my bedroom in Beijing. The bed is next to the kitchen which is next to the closet which is next to the bathroom -- all these packed in a tiny little box of a room over looking a busy road right down the street from Sogo department store. Times Square is also only a 5-minute walk; that is, if you do not pause to enter a shop or buy something along the way, which is a virtual impossibility.

My room is not small; it is tiny. And for a homebody like me, I found the prospect of living here for the next couple of months quite daunting. I enjoy big spaces; a place I can call my own, where I can move around, hence the size of my previous apartments in Beijing. So as I lay on my bed contemplating these thoughts, I suddenly felt claustrophobic. I found it hard to breath and felt like I was having a panic attack. I couldn't even walk to clear my head, because three steps from the bed is the door, right outside is a narrow hall, and right downstairs was a crowded street, a normal occurrence for Hong Kong. So I laid there, closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself (thanks Jaim for talking me through that!).

I had to step out, and so I found myself headed towards Times Square. I'll pick up some necessities from the supermarket, I thought to myself. As I passed the shops along the way, I started to relax. I realized I'm just going to have to get used to the fast pace of this city. I guess this is coming as a shock to me because of the relative laid-back environment that I came from. Life in Beijing seemed five times slower than here, and so I just need to step it up.

I lost myself in the crowd, all the stuff on display, the sights and smells of street foods, all the things on sale. I soon forgot my anxiety and found myself settling a little, realizing how and why shopping has become a way of life not only for those who visit this city, but even those who live here. I know this will be controversial but let me say it: shopping is therapeutic. When you buy something -- there is that moment where 'that thing you wanted' turns into 'that thing you own', and it gives you a feeling of control. And at a time when I was feeling like a fish out of water, that feeling of control was gold.

I know fully well that this is not sustainable. I can't go on a shopping spree every time I feel uncomfortable or stressed; specially not while I'm here, as you can buy anything and everything in Hong Kong, and oftentimes it will be a steal, and that's how you justify it. But let's just say that today, as my Tita Cynthia put it, shopping was a 'quick fix for my boo-hoos.'

Papa was also quick to pull me back to reality. As soon as I stepped back into my room, my mobile phone was ringing and Papa's words were, "O, magdahan-dahan ka. Wag masyado gumastos." I swear, that guy is psychic. Either that, or he knows me too well.

But now it's time to get ready for the actual reason I'm here. Tomorrow will be my first day working in the Hong Kong office. I just know it's going to be different - a good kind of different. Maybe tougher and more challenging, but that's how we grow, right? So I'm going to try to get to bed early, prepare myself both mentally and physically for the start of a new chapter.

A day after arriving, I have a feeling mine will be a gradual transition into the beat of this new city. Hong Kong's slogan is "Live it, love it!" -- I have yet to go through the first part, but I am sure the last part will come, all in due time.

And in the meantime, I've got my purchases to cheer me up. :)

Sunday Mass... in the Jing

2009-11-22T20:52:00.005+08:00

Today, I did something for the first time: I heard mass in Beijing.

Yes, I will be first to admit that I have been remiss in my duties as a Catholic -- why that is so is a different entry altogether.

Anyway, after living here for more than three years, today was the first time I actually went inside a church and heard mass. I was surprised to see many people inside the church, with the Communist Party's stand on organized religion being what it is (the government is officially atheist). I was not so surprised to see quite a handful of foreigners, Filipinos included. After all, this was one of only two weekly masses held in English.

I realized that the experience of hearing mass is the same as it is everywhere; I left with my heart feeling a bit more joyful, my burdens a bit lighter, and I felt ready to face the week ahead. But I also left with a sudden yearning for home, in particular the understated beauty with which we celebrate our religion: the solemn churches, the hushed crowd, and above all, the angelic voices of those who sing their praise.

What I wanted to drive at is actually very simple: I wish the church choir sounded a bit better... but anyway, I am ending this now before this entry starts to sound like a rant.

Being back in church was a good feeling, and to be honest, I am still pretty darn lucky to have a church to go to, all things considered. So I'll take what I can get, and try to start turning up regularly for my Sunday appointments with the Big Man again.

Memories of Birthdays Past

2009-10-29T09:46:00.000+08:00

First thought today: Is it Thursday already?

Quickly followed by: Why are the days just breezing by? Where are they off to?

Then I realized. They must be in a hurry to get to my 26th birthday.

If I had a panic button, I'd press it now. Not because I'm worried about getting older, but because I have no idea how I'm going to celebrate this birthday. My best friends have left Beijing, my family is 1800 miles away, and some other special people are even thrice further.

I am scared that this might rival that birthday I spent in an overnight train to Milan, alone. God, please, I hope not. Well, at least I have a home in Beijing; I can cook spaghetti and buy some fried chicken and celebrate... even if I'm by myself. So maybe it won't be that bad. Sad, but not that bad.

Last month, I spent almost three weeks on vacation in the US and thought that would be enough to make this birthday special. An advanced birthday gift, I told myself. I guess I should have known better; I should have known that despite the wonderful trip I had, I still would like to do something to commemorate November 3rd.

It would be easy to round up people and throw a party; but I've always held birthdays in high regard, and it just wouldn't feel special if I celebrate it just for the sake of having warm bodies around me as I turn a year older.

So I twirl the date round and round in my head, and I dream of past birthdays spent with loved ones... old friends, my crazy family.

My parents would be up early to go to the market and pick up ingredients for the day's feast. The kitchen would be a mess and the smell of garlic prawns and inihaw na liempo would be wafting through the house, signalling that amazingly delicious food will soon be served.

The coolers are soon filled with ice to chill the beer, and set out by the garage, almost as a welcome to the guests. Chairs and tables would be arranged, and 'reinforcement' a.k.a. rented monoblocs would be arriving by this time, if deemed necessary. My brother would tinker with the audio and visuals -- speakers, projectors, amplifiers, what have you; because no party is ever complete without good music -- and bad music at that, courtesy of the videoke! And I would wake up relatively late to all this chaos (a benefit of being the balikbayan, haha), jump in the shower and soon join in the ~~boring preparations~~ fun.

The party starts when you hear Buster, our smelly but dear German Shepherd, bark at the first few guests approaching the gate. Then it's all good times from there. Stories, laughter, booze, more stories, singing, dancing, getting drunk, then drunken stories. In the middle of it all, I would probably be asked to rush to the supermarket to buy more ice, more beer, or more pulutan, and I would gladly oblige since it's my excuse to start picking my friends up from their houses (kayo yan songers! spoiled! haha). Towards the end (normally past midnight), we would start bringing out the coffee and batchoy so people can have something warm in their stomachs and make sure they are sober enough to find their way home.

Often during get-togethers like these, people would be doing their their own stuff: the adults in the garage downing the alcohol (special mention: Tita Cynthia!), the kids playing inside the house or watching cartoons, me entertaining my friends, my brother enjoying his Red Horse and looking judgmental at all the SMB drinkers (haha), my sister in a corner with her phone, texting, oblivious to everything (haha joke lang Tata). But despite that, everyone partakes in an atmosphere that is festive and happy, because the fact they we're all together is the most important of all.

*moment of silence*

This is the point where I would be sighing, swearing that I miss home so much so that I am tempted to go to the PAL website and book a ticket no matter how expensive it is. But no. No complaining.

I had considered just letting the day pass, shelve it together with the rest of those ordinary days of the year, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The day I disregard my birthday is the day I stop loving life -- and I'm not even thinking of going there.

No worries. Come November 3rd, I'll be happy with my spaghetti and fried chicken, and memories of birthdays past... and more importantly, dreams of birthdays to come. :)

It's Overrr

2009-08-22T11:21:00.000+08:00

If I knew 2 weeks ago what I know now, well, things would have been much easier. I would have been calmer, not too many sleepless nights, not too many tulala moments. But then again, there is never a way to advance wisdom gained from experience, so that's that.

I say it's over - the whole surgery ordeal is over. And in record time! Only 8 days after the procedure and I feel pretty much like my old self, save for some minor pains and inconveniences here and there. I did not expect it to happen all so quickly; in fact, I was trying to prepare myself for weeks, if not months, not only of physical but also emotional recovery. But today I find myself doing and thinking pretty much the same things that I did and thought about prior to finding out that I had to have that fateful cyst taken out.

I thought this was going to be pivotal - you know, all dramatic and poignant and dear-diary worthy. But only a few moments were... like having to pull out my brave face time and again to mask the fear that truly felt, my dad giving me a kiss before I was wheeled into the operating room, waking up after the surgery knowing that it's all over, my mom's giant hug when she arrived on my third day post-op. The rest of it was pretty much routine.

I did learn two very important things though: First, in a time of need, the support of the people in your life can come in many forms but they all count for something -- far more than you expect it to count. Despite being physically away from 98% of the people who sent me their messages, sentiments, advice, love and prayers, I felt that I somehow mattered in other people's lives. And that can trump out fear most of the time. Not all of the time, but it's a huge, huge help. So again, thank you very much to everyone who left a comment, sent me messages and emails and texts, and even those who did not respond but did think of me.

Second, I don't think anyone will love me (and my siblings) more than my parents do. Their dedication is unwavering. Flew to Beijing 4 days after I got the news that I required surgery, without question. Said nothing when I rouse them middle of the night to help me up because I needed to pee. Until now, as I walk at half my speed, they patiently slow their pace down too just so they can walk beside me. They work their way around how I feel - am i tired? hungry? in pain? sleepy? bored? in need of a laugh? It amazes me. My parents, hands down, are the bestttttt. E-ver. :)

While it will probably take a few more months to be completely healed (you know, be able to ride a rollercoaster and stuff), this chapter is pretty much over. I look forward to having a greater awareness of the value of health, and hope this is the start of a gradual lifestyle change for the better. Nothing else matters if you're anyway dead and can't enjoy it!

So, onto the next great adventure. What that is... only time will tell!

:)

My Update: 3 Days Post-Op

2009-08-16T07:35:00.000+08:00

It's Saturday afternoon, Day 3 here in the hospital and the boredom bug is starting to bite. I am very very happy to report that I am recovering and healing quite well. :) The whole experience has been a pleasant surprise. Well, okay, maybe not pleasant, but it was much better than I expected it to be.

The day before the surgery was a busy one. We went to the hospital in the morning to do my blood work and sign consent forms, and also met with the doctor performing the surgery and also my anesthesiologist. They were both very nice ladies and put me at ease about the whole procedure. Even Papa was feeling confident that everything was going to be okay. After that, we walked around the area so I could show Papa that Starbucks was just right down the road to the hospital, as well as some international grocery stores and restaurants where he could go get food to eat. Then we headed to Ikea (to look at furniture), Siyuanqiao (to look at car accessories), Bainaohui (to look at gadgets) and Qianmen (to shop at H&M). Like I said, busy day! I was ready to crash after that. Forget about being well-rested for the surgery!

Papa had cooked his delicious sinigang and even more delicious daing na bangus... pure Pinoy food heaven. I was advised not to eat anything after midnight as the procedure was scheduled for 8:30am the next day, so I managed to finish that dinner by 11:00pm (talagang photo finish! haha). I was not thinking so much about my 'impending doom' until we had finished packing and I got to bed past midnight. I barely slept that night, despite having to be up by 5:30am to be at the hospital before 7:00am.

So I was still quite groggy when we arrived at the hospital. We checked into the room at 7:00am (which really looked like a hotel room, only with medical equipment) and I was quickly prepared for the procedure: changed into a hospital gown, started an IV, shaved the area where the incision was going to be. I was able to squeeze in sending a few messages to my loved ones before they said that it was time for me to be wheeled into the operating room. I remember feeling calm but praying the Angelus over and over again and just asking God to take care of me and telling Him I am confident that he will not let anything bad happen to me.

I met my cheerful anesthesiologist inside the operating room. She asked me where I was from and I told her I am Filipino, after which she asked me if I could sing for her. I told her I'll do that after she sedates me. Hehe.

I was transferred to the operating table, and I felt my arms being strapped onto it. I remember saying hi to my surgeon and asking her if she was having a good day. She said yes and she told me that she was sure I was also going to have a good day. The last thing I remember was asking all the people in the room if they watched Grey's Anatomy (they don't) and telling them how people kept asking me if I got a McDreamy or a McSteamy. My anesthesiologist asked me if I was feeling dizzy, but I wasn't and felt I could still chat up a storm over the next hour or so. But then she must have put in the magic potion, since the next thing I remember was the nurses waking me up and telling me that the procedure was over. I checked the clock: it was only 10:30am! That was quick.

It turns out that only an hour after I was wheeled into the operating room, my doctor had already called Papa to tell him that the surgery was over and that everything went well. In fact, it went better than well. They did not have to take the ovary out, just got rid of the cyst, which means I got to keep all my body parts. The anesthesiologist took a photo of my healthy ovary and the cystic ovary, and it is unbelievable, but since I don't want to scare y'all, I'll keep those photos to myself. :)

A few minutes later I was already brought back into my room. I could feel the wound but it was not painful, it was only uncomfortable. It was much, much better than I imagined it to be. I was slipping in and out of consciousness but I remember talking to anyone who would listen to me; the nurses, Papa, my doctor, even Gauri and Kim who came to visit at lunchtime. I was feeling good.

Already that evening I asked them to take the catheter out. I wanted to be able to be back to normal as quickly as possible. Well that was quite an experience, but I'm not going into details. Let's just say that was the most uncomfortable experience throughout my stay so far. But by that evening I was already able to get up and walk around a bit, and even go to the bathroom by myself.

The next day, Day 2, only 24 hours after the surgery, my doctor was happy to see me up and about and cleared me for taking a shower. That felt sooooo good. By then I was already eating normally and walking around. They discontinued my IV and I was even able to manage to chat with my mom and sister on video, although I still looked like a hospital patient. I was having a hard time not laughing because Papa was making so many jokes! I also had another visitor, Kuya Krick - my friend Mai's brother - and his kids came to see me. It was nice to be able to chat with them. The dietician also came in to pay me a visit to talk to me about over-all health and how this can be the start of a healthier lifestyle for me.

So now Day 3 rolled around and aside from a little bit of discomfort from the incision, I'm feeling great and seem to be recovering well. I did have a migraine attack in the morning but it went away around lunchtime. Most, if not all of my bodily functions are back to normal which means everything must be working well inside. I was even able to put on my normal clothes (i.e. get out of my hospital gown) and walked around the hospital. With my laptop here we were able to play good music and it took all my willpower not to dance when Chris Brown's Forever came on. Haha. I can't wait to be able to move a little bit faster again, but all in good time!

Looking back I think it was also helpful to have expected the worst, because it gave me a sense of accomplishment when I was able to quickly get back on normal routines shortly after the surgery. And though I am not as religious as my Paulinian mentors would have wanted me to be, I know that I owe it all to the Father was with me every step of the way and still is holding my hand until all of this is over, and beyond.

I cannot wait to be discharged from the hospital (that's scheduled on Monday) and be back in my apartment where I can watch my Filipino channels, and also have Papa cook some good Filipino food again! All in all this experience has been better than I imagined it to be, and I am both happy and thankful to have been through the worst. I hope it only gets better from here.

An Unsolicited Update

2009-08-09T08:39:00.000+08:00

So here's the deal. Three weeks ago I had some pain on the lower left side of my torso. Went to the hospital, had it checked, got a (blissful) shot of morphine for the pain, and they ran some tests. Turns out it was caused by relatively small kidney stones, which in fact I unknowingly passed in the next few days. Two weeks later I came in for a follow-up with my urologist, he cleared me for kidney stones, and sent me on my way to get an ultrasound just to be extra sure that there's nothing left.

True enough, no more stones. But alas, something else was there.

After getting the results of the ultrasound, my urologist gave me a call and told me that while the stones were gone, they had found a mass in my lower abdomen. He booked me for an appointment with a general surgeon the next day. The general surgeon was a jolly old Chinese guy who spoke flawless English; I quite liked him. But then he told me that the mass was neither connected to my digestive nor excretory systems and therefore was not his area of expertise. He referred me to the gynecology department and the next available slot was for the next day. And so after another day of not knowing what the hell that mass was all about, I came in last Wednesday for a consult with a gynecologist.

To cut the story short and also so that I won't go into any details that might make you cough up your lunch, the mass is a cyst in my left ovary and it needs to be taken out. Perhaps the only detail I'll share is its size -- because it's so big, it's ridiculous -- it's 10x12x7cm, which is roughly the size of your two fists put together (!!!). The doctor compared it to a baby's head. And here I was thinking I wasn't ready to have a child yet!

Anyway I have come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to go into surgery. In fact I've booked my time -- it's Thursday next week Aug 13th -- and my parents are coming over to Beijing to help me through this (they really are the best!). It's about a 2-3 day stay at the hospital and a 2-week recovery period. I'm pretty sure one of the questions you have is whether or not I can still have a child -- breathe a sigh of relief, friend, because I still can. And the other -- any chance that it's cancerous? While any abnormal growth within your body will always have a certain risk of being malignant, most dermoid cysts are benign and only 1-2% of them are cancerous. And while I've somehow gone against the grain other times in my life, I am hoping that in this instance I will be part of the majority. :)

I'm not really worried about the surgery; I'm pretty much gonna be out when they slice me up anyway. What unnerves me a little is thinking about recovery. Maaaaan I cannot imagine not being able to laugh! (It'll put a strain on the abdominal muscles which the wound pretty much goes through.) I can also not imagine not being able to lift things. I have never stayed in a hospital for more than 5 hours, tops. In that sense, I've always considered myself relatively healthy. Not to be defensive, but for the record the cyst was not caused by anything I did or did not do -- dermoid cysts are congenital defects, and those that are in the ovaries commonly manifest themselves during a woman's reproductive years. So ladies, not to scare you or anything, I'm just saying, go do your annual health checks and take them seriously. I had my last one 2 years ago, missed the one last year, and boom! See where it got me.

I'm trying to be really brave, but over the last few days there were times when I would wonder -- will I ever be the same again after my surgery on Thursday? I know I might be overreacting a bit; come on, I'm not the first person EVER to go through a surgery like this! And I am of course better off having it taken out, it's really not an option to leave it in there. It's just that I love roller coasters and I would really really REALLY hate it if I have to give that up on account of the surgery. Haha! I know you might be laughing, but I just can't imagine living the rest of my life not being able to ride roller coasters! But also, what if that cyst were the source of my talents, my skills? You know, like Samson and his hair! Now that would just be so freakin' sad. But okay, I'll stop thinking about that!

The other thing is, you know, September 29th. :) I have been counting down to that date since forever! Well okay, since March 2009, but still. I would hate to cancel my vacation, specially not now when I've finally succeeded in convincing Jaim to go with me to visit Lucy and Joel and also see New York! I really hope 6 weeks is enough time for me heal and to be able to take a long haul flight, lug around a 20kg suitcase (or two, hehe, of course I'm going shopping there!), and endure walking around for hours. I'm crossing my fingers... and my legs and my toes and my eyes too, if those will help!

Well this has been a pretty long note, so here's my last point: some people may have qualms about sharing their health problems with others, and if this has put you in an uncomfortable position or has scarred you for life, then I apologize. But I'd like you to know that I did this for two reasons: first, so that all of you, specially the women, can put a premium on your health, and as I mentioned, to not overlook your annual health checks. In fact, if I had gone to last year's check-up, then the cyst would not have been as big, and I would not require such a long recovery period. So think about it, okay? Second, one can never underestimate the power of prayer, so I humbly ask you guys to please keep me in yours for the next few weeks -- and thank you in advance.

I know I'm gonna be okay... well, I'm really hopeful, at least. Since I'm only human, I also get those dammit-I-wish-this-would-never-have-happened moments, and I guess I will continue to do so until I have fully recovered and am fully able to jump around... not like I jump around a lot now, but still, I'd like to have the option! :) Anyway, I will most likely post other updates throughout this whole experience -- not gross ones, don't worry; I'm just thinking it might help alleviate some of the boredom while recovering, don't you think? Now if only I can request for wifi in my hospital room...

A Price Tag on Education

2009-06-10T18:08:00.000+08:00

It is a harsh realization for me, finding out that education is indeed an expensive commodity. Perhaps because I attended a public university, I took for granted the price that some people have to pay to get a good education. I never really understood how it must have felt like for smart, talented, hard-working students belonging to lower STFAP brackets (UP's Student Financial Assistance Program) who can barely afford the commute to school. I did not understand it until now.

I have always wanted to pursue higher education. I am an advocate of the value of learning. I believe it is the single best investment you can make - it is the only thing that no one can ever take from you. Over the weekend I had a Eureka moment when I figured out what and where I would like to study. With my interest and passion being inclined towards communication, I found two outstanding universities that offered outstanding Master's programs in communication. Granted that it was in a couple of very expensive cities in terms of cost of living -- London (London School of Economics) and Los Angeles (University of Southern California) -- but I still had faith that it was feasible.

I did more research, got all excited about the courses (the geekazoid in me was in heaven as I read through the course descriptions) and started thinking just how soon I could start the process and get myself back in school. Then there it was, the rain on my parade. I came to discover just how expensive it can be.

As an international student, you have to provide proof of financial support, that you are able to pay not only for tuition but also your living expenses for your first year in school. Immediately, regrets about not taking savings seriously during the past two years of my expat employment started flooding in. Two years and nothing to show for it in the bank. Of course, my numerous gadgets or travel experience or bags and shoes do not count as collateral.

I thought about aiming for a promotion come October when my contract is renewed, then saving feverishly for the next year so I can at least have enough money in the bank for tuition. And for the other half, I would have to swallow a bit of pride and ask my parents to back me up. I figured, when my brother got married when he as 27, my parents sold one of their cars to finance it and help him get started with married life. In another year I'll be turning 27 too -- so can I just have the same benefit (i.e. the cash equivalent of a car) somehow like an advance, and just promise to pay for my future wedding myself? :)

I can see a few roadblocks along the way, and of course bits and pieces of hesitation and uncertainty here and there... Would I be able to live again as a meager student after working and pretty much financing myself for the last 5 years? Will it be easy to be away from home? (C'mon, as long as you're on the same time zone as 'home', it really doesn't count as much.) Is it simply too much to dream for such expensive education when I am anyway a daughter of a developing country?

Regardless of those questions, I have set my heart and mind to this objective and I feel very very strongly about it now. And I'm putting it out there, because they say if you share with the world what you desire, then it will find its way to you (or you find your way to it, or whatever).

Here's to hoping that it does.

Staying put... and the jumbled thoughts that come with it.

2009-02-22T16:31:00.000+08:00

This weekend I attempted to start packing in preparation for my apartment move come end-February. I'm switching apartments, but staying put in Beijing.

I took some boxes from my friend Irene's place and as we hauled them into a cab, she asked me how I felt about everyone leaving and me staying behind.

There was a time when Beijing was home to numerous expats -- and most, if not all, of the twenty-somethings have become my friend in one way or another. I've often felt like a veteran, an old hand in this city, having been here since 2006; sometimes more like a welcome wagon when a new expat arrives -- introducing them to the group, getting them acquainted with life in this new environment which to me now feels like a second home.

But as our company, like most others, rolled with the punches of the current economic situation, it was inevitable that employees as expensive as expats would be one of the groups to be most hit. Over the last six months, our group has shrunk so considerably -- either going back to their home bases or moving to other cities in China. I, on the other hand, have just extended my contract here for another couple of years. By the time July 2009 rolls around, I know I will be the only one left (unless, knock on wood, something happens to my team) amongst what was once a 20+ group of young expats in Beijing.

Before I confirmed the extension of my contract, I tossed all the considerations inside my head to try and justify whatever decision I would make. Of course, it did not help that I was given only one morning to confirm my agreement. I called all the important people whom I thought should have a say in this decision and they unanimously agreed that the wisest thing to do would be to stay put; another couple of years in Beijing, another chance to save (yeah right hehe), and hopefully a few more chances to advance career-wise along the way. And so my boss received a yes from me by the end of that morning.

Although the decision has been made, I guess to one part of me it still hasn't sunk in that the contract has been extended. That part does not really want to think about how life is going to be over the next couple of years, specially in light of all of my friends leaving. I remember when I first came here, all I could do was count down to 2009 when I can finally go back home. Of course a lot of things have happened since then, but that is not to say that the feeling of wanting to return to the Philippines has completely gone away. That one part still expects that change which was supposed to come in 2009.

When I first expatriated, it felt like I put my life on hold. And back then, I was fine putting it on hold for a couple of years, give or take a few months, in the name of goal-fulfillment and career advancement. But now I sit here, two years hence, and facing another two years of not being in the Philippines, and I think, am I willing to keep my life on hold for that much longer?

And that's when I wondered why I ever thought that this, right here, was not life.

Going back to the Philippines seemed like the milestone after which I was going to re-start my so-called life; revive friendships, do the stuff I used to always do, live the way I've always used to live. But time, it seems, no matter how long or short, will always change you and the people around you. You can never pick up where you left off. So from the very start, there was no 're-starting' of the life I left... but I did not know that then.

It's not easy, accepting that being away from my family and friends and being in a place which is not where I grew up has become my way of life. But what is there to do? Resistance is futile. And at one point, what I have now was everything I ever wanted... so what am I whining about?

It's just that... I still get those moments when I wonder if there's anything better out there that I should be doing with my life.

I dunno.

What do you think?

A Reason

2009-01-13T10:51:00.000+08:00

I used to keep a journal*... but ever since I've been with you, it's been hard.

There's so much to say and the pages are better left blank.

I'll remember it all anyway... :)

= = =

*Applicable to blogs too!

2008 In Retrospect

2009-01-05T09:37:00.000+08:00

As I stood at the threshold of the new year 2009, feeling compelled to give a look back to the year that was, I felt a bit... ambivalent. For some reason, I could not remember the things that happened earlier in the year, or how it felt. I knew I have had new experiences, undergone changes, had some achievements and failures and, from all of these, picked up lessons along the way. But it seemed to have been overshadowed by a single event in late 2008 that showed me that good things come to those who wait – but that event deserves a totally separate entry, so let me leave it at that, for now. :) So onto other things...

In 2008 I seemed to have developed a better appreciation for this city I live in. My eyes were opened to just how vibrant Beijing is, and to a certain extent, I fell in love with it; I found new friends, explored new places, even witnessed some once-in-a-lifetime events during the 2008 Olympics. When I came here a couple of years ago, all I could think about was how much I was looking forward to 2009 and going back home. Now I know when that time comes, it's not going to be so easy saying goodbye to the Jing.

2008 was also a year of traveling to cities I've never been to – Guangzhou, Shenzhen, Macau, Hong Kong, Xi'an, Qingdao, Chicago, Las Vegas, Los Angeles; and indulging in the occasional luxuries – my Macbook, that helicopter ride, that photography course, DSLR’s, shopping sprees... Though I do realize how big of a dent all those have made on my savings, I do not regret any of them. Papa taught me that as long as you are willing to work, money can be earned. On the other hand, we don't have unlimited chances and opportunities to do the things we want to do or get the things we want. (Did that sound like an excuse? Haha! Anyway...)

2008 for me was also about letting go of baggage, of realizing differences that are irreconcilable, and calling things off when enough is enough. I have made decisions which I feel were some of my wisest, decisions which allowed a whole new light to come into my life and it felt like I have woken up from an extended nap.

So what then do I expect of 2009?

If you remember my 25th birthday post, from then I have learned that expecting nothing is a good plan – you will always be pleasantly surprised. But if I do look ahead and set some expectations, I just need to make sure they are managed so as not to disappoint myself or anyone else.

Not having expectations, though, does not mean I am not hopeful, because I am. Hopeful that this time next year I will still be able to smile and say with a straight face that I have had a good, if not exceptional, year.

Cheers, friends, and all the best for 2009!

Want some cheese with that WHINE?

2009-01-02T18:58:00.000+08:00

[drafted 30 Dec 2008]

The past couple of days, it has been a conscious effort to not be whiny. We moved offices and it was our first couple of days in our new 'home', in an area just a couple of kilometers south of our former office building. Things are not THAT bad after all, and with the recession hitting everyone where it hurts, I should be thankful that my company is cutting down on office rent instead of jobs and people.

Therefore I will not complain, despite the fact that it takes more than 5 times my usual travel time and 5 times as much walking from my apartment to the new office. I will not complain that half the lobby is not yet functional and is covered in a foot of dust, or that the area near the bank of elevators reeks of smoke. I will also not complain that it takes forever for the elevator to come, that it crawls up the building at a snail's pace and that it takes, on average, 5 stops before I get to the 16th floor. I will not complain that we've lost our beautiful 30th floor west-facing view that shows us snow-capped mountains on certain days, and stunning sunsets everyday.

I will not complain that the automatic flush starts working WHILE you are on the seat and that it has been a couple of days that I have been washing my hands with freezing cold water -- word around the office is that it's always been that way and always will be. I will also not complain about losing the prestige we once had at the mere mention of our office address; our old building, the China World Trade Towers (which we lovingly call Guomao), were among the most photographed and celebrated modern buildings in Beijing, more so now with the construction of Tower 3 which is slated to be the tallest building in the city. Now we are housed in an obscure area that three out of the four cabbies I have asked are not quite familiar with.

It did make me think how much being in Guomao has gotten into my head; we have been spoiled by the comforts of being attached to a mall, despite not buying anything from 50% of the shops (the likes of LV, Cartier, Montblanc, Ferragamo, Samsonite Black Label - but who cares, it's still nice to look!). In Guomao there were places to get healthy food (Schlotzky's, Subway, good Jap food complete with a rotating sushi bar) and UNhealthy food (Thai, Taiwanese, Steak Factory, Cold Stone Ice Cream, Haagen Dazs, oh just thinking about it!) -- whhatever you feel like. There's a supermarket where you can get foreign stuff, a Watson's, a Sephora, a Bank of China, an ICBC (a bank which lets me pay my bills through the ATM)... yeah basically anything you need to do anything.

I know, I know. I'm just gonna have to wait a while for me to get used to my new surroundings. In the meantime... I will not complain!

P.S. In my defense, the above entry is for your amusement only and is not a reflection of my general level of whiny-ness which I always keep at a minimum. Haha. I really do try not to complain... except to certain people, who do not have much choice but to listen to my whine. :)

My love affair... with shoes

2008-12-18T05:17:00.000+08:00

For someone who complains that her feet are too big, I realized just this weekend that I do have a lot of shoes. As I was unpacking from my recent trip, I laid out all my footwear purchases which at final tally went up to 10 pairs. Yes, I know.

I looked around my apartment to find a place for my new shoes. For the record, each one of them was necessary. (Haha defensive!) I took advantage of the fact that size 9-10 shoes were readlily available in the US -- cannot say as much here in China, where I feel like a giant in the land of small feet. On second thought, I feel that when shoe shopping all around Asia, where women are generally more petite hence have smaller feet.

With a little bit of trepidation I counted just how many pairs of shoes I owned -- at least the ones in China; I had to leave some pairs in the Philippines, thanks to the 30-kg weight limit on travel luggage. I was surprised to have quite a good variety -- flats, heels, boots, slippers, cute ones, ugly ones, rubber, leather, suede, Dunks, Shox's, Air Max's, Crocs, Havs, Uggs -- but all of them in relatively conservative colors. (Believe me I've had my impulsive hot-pink-and-yellow-heels moments, but could never quite convince myself that I can pull them off.) In the end, I said to myself, "No wonder I'm running out of space." I suddenly remembered Carrie and Big, and wished for a moment that someone would build me a closet with a whole wall just for shoes. Sigh. Big sigh. (Haha)

This morning when I woke up not feeling too happy, I put together my outfit in my head, and resolved to wear my favorite heels, which never fail to make me feel better. It does not magically solve my problems nor does it bring world peace, but to me it makes a difference. Maybe it's the height boost, or maybe it's all in my head, or maybe it's the comfort I find in the thought that whoever pisses me off, I can kill with my 2.5-inch heel. Whichever of those it is, these shoes make a shitty day a bit easier to go through.

I have always seen myself as low-maintenance and to a certain extent, sort of a cowboy. But as I went through my shoe racks and all the other cabinets that I have forced to double as shoe cabinets, I realized that there was no reason for a low-maintenance person like me to go through life in bad footwear. In my head there are still countless pairs I'd like to buy, and who knows in the future maybe hot pink or yellow won't be such a bad idea after all. Well I guess it is true, what they say... A girl can never have enough shoes.

California Here We Come

2008-12-12T10:40:00.000+08:00

Having hopped from one cold city (Beijing) to another (Chicago) at the outset of my vacation, you can imagine my extreme delight as I stepped out to a beautiful sunny day after landing in San Diego. Fluffy white clouds and a clear blue sky, the sun beating down on me with just the right amount of heat. Ahhh perfection.

My extremely short stay in San Diego (barely 24 hours) included a quick stop at Seaport Village next to the famous USS Midway and a drive by the US-Mexico border to spot the twinkling lights of Tijuana, Mexico, only separated from American land by a concrete wall and of course some very alert border patrols. That evening, Jaim's family was so kind to welcome me to join their Thanksgiving dinner. The turkey was good, the salmon was great and the pumpkin pie was the best!

The next day we left for Las Vegas (see separate entry) and went back to Anaheim, CA four days later. I then met up with my family and spent the next few days doing the usual tourist round: Disneyland Park, Disney's California Adventure, Universal Studios Hollywood and a night tour of LA which included a quick walk down Hollywood Blvd, Rodeo Drive and Beverly Hills. I also got to see Sta. Monica Pier and Third Street Promenade, and the best theme park of all, Six Flags Magic Mountain. The roller coasters were to die for, and if only for the coasters I got to ride there, my trip to the US was well worth it!

Although we probably spent half our time driving on freeways, I loved California. Of course I only have few other US cities to compare it with, but feel that I wouldn't mind working and living there. There's just a feeling, you know, that tells you it's highly possible that you can belong to a place. And California... with its weather, piers, beaches, celebrities, museums, theme parks, distinct cities, shopping streets, people... it's by far not perfect, quite the contrary, but it seemed like a place that's got everything I need. :)

P.S. My apologies to Lali and Anne for not being able to meet up with you! It was just too packed a schedule. No worries though... I'm already penciling in my next US trip... and we'll definitely make plans in advance! :)

P.P.S. Photos to be uploaded over the weekend!

Sin City

2008-12-09T09:08:00.000+08:00

Vegas, oh Vegas. So many things have been written about this city, most of them glorifying the release of inhibitions as people wallow in its seemingly intoxicating atmosphere. The city lives in the middle of boulders, mountains and desert a.k.a. nowhere -- I felt surrounded by an imaginary mountainous fence -- it almost lent some truth to that old saying... what happens in Vegas can very possibly just stay there.

Having spent roughly 4 days there, it seemed like there was nothing else to do in Vegas but entertain yourself. It's the only city in America where you can drink on the streets (which we barely took advantage of; we just had a giant 3-foot strawberry daiquiri from Flamingo - that was it). Perhaps also the only city with a choice of almost 6 Cirque du Soleil shows all happening every night; the only city where it's perfectly ok to gawk at the marvelous hotels and take photos in the lobby without being judged; the city where I saw about 5 brides in one night, some followed by her bridesmaids in matchy-matchy dresses; a city where I can go by foot from a Treasure Island to Caesar's Palace to Venice to Paris to New York, all lying in a magnificently lighted strip of street, complete with a dancing fountain show every 15 minutes.

Vegas has a certain charm to it, like it really is an escape. You'd want to lose yourself in this city... As in take on whatever persona you want to, have loads of fun, then come back relatively unscathed into your old, boring life (haha!). But really, I can imagine just having Vegas close by and going there for the weekend to blow off some steam and have some fun with friends just to reenergize. Besides you'd never run out of things to do in Vegas, and even if you do, parking your bum in one of the slot machines and feeding your life savings into the little twinkly contraption is, well, still a rather entertaining option.

So the big question is - did I gamble? Yes. Did I win? Yes! How much? From $38 it grew to $120 - not bad huh? But I stopped before it became addicting. I didn't want to have Jaim drag me away from the slot machines with arms flailing. What else did I do? We walked the Strip at night, and a little bit in the morning. Went to M&M's Chocolate Factory, saw the city from 1,000 feet above at the Stratosphere, caught "O", a Cirque du Soleil show at the Bellagio and went on a sunset helicopter trip to the Grand Canyon - hands down the highlight of my trip. Absolutely beautiful and such an amazing experience. I have no words.

I honestly cannot wait for my next trip to Sin City.

P.S. Special thanks to Jaim for being the designated driver and more importantly her GPS which got us to all the places we needed to go to!

P.P.S. Photos to follow.

Reporting from the Midwest

2008-11-28T12:01:00.000+08:00

The first leg of my US vacation was spent in the Midwest, particularly in Chicago, IL. My Tita Tel (Papa's sister) and Tito Ruben were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and it was for this reason that this US trip was primarily planned. Tita Tel and family migrated to the US in the late 80's and she is my dad's only sibling to be living outside of the Philippines.

I left Beijing at Thursday 5pm and landed in Chicago still on Thursday 5pm (hehe) after a 12-hour flight, due to the time difference. When I got to Chicago, Papa, Mama and Tata were already here. Immediately after dropping my bags off at my Tita's house, my cousins Robin (whom I have not seen for 5 years) and Tricia (whom I have not seen for 14 years!) and my sister headed to the cinemas for the first screening of the

The next morning was spent shopping for a dress to be used during the wedding and reception, and then we had the rehearsal in the church for the renewal of wedding vows. The next day, Saturday, was the big day. Together with Rob and Tricia we got ready for the ceremony, which was at 2pm. It was a brief and intimate ceremony attended by family and close friends. After that we headed to the reception for... party time! I had a good time and I was very glad that I decided to come out here for the celebration.

Sunday was spent just lazing around the house; jet lag and fatigue finally caught up with me so I was asleep for most of the day. Or maybe it was just a prelude to the next day where we drove an hour to Aurora, IL for some... outlet shopping! On the way home we bought Cranium, Taboo and the Monopoly Here and Now edition and we ended up having game night - twas so much fun! On Tuesday we headed downtown to see the famous Chicago skyline, dropping by the Sears Tower, Millenium Park and Navy Pier. Wednesday was again shopping day, though we headed home early to pack.

So what do I think about Chicago? The weather this time of the year could definitely be better. It was cold on most days and it also snowed at some point. And although I am a fan of cold weather, having consistent below-10-degree days are not that fun, specially if you want to go out and see the city.

With Chicago having given me a first glimpse of the USA, I can tell that this entire country is consumer heaven. Everything and I mean everything seems to be here. Every need and every whim can be fulfilled in exchange for cash. In my side of the world, I can say we are not spoilt for choice this way. Many creature comforts are not really made available to us since as a people we can barely afford the necessities, let alone anything on top of that. But how easy and convenient it is to live like that (the qualifier, of course, being that you can afford it).

On the other hand I can see my relatives have built a good life for themselves here. My cousins have turned out to be very kind and fun people, and I can see that their life as a family is going well. I throughly enjoyed my stay there and I am also glad to have reconnected with my cousins whom I have not seen for so many years. I cannot wait to visit them again. But for now I am very much looking forward to the West Coast leg of my trip and I am extremely happy to be heading towards warmer weather!

High Hopes for a Grand Adventure

2008-11-21T03:35:00.000+08:00

I had been impossibly busy on the days leading up to this vacation, that I haven't even had the chance to share with you guys just how excited I am to go on this trip. I have been planning and obsessing about this vacation for a month already, since I want to make the most out of this longest personal trip I've ever taken -- 18 days, woohoo!

I really wish Kuya and Ate Bew could join us, but then again there'll be other chances. Anyway I will be with family (Papa, Mama and Tata) for the most part, except for a few days in between when our itineraries would diverge, and then meeting up again towards the end of the trip.

So where am I headed? First it's The Windy City, or The Second City, or best known as US President-elect Barack Obama's hometown. It is also pseudo-Gotham City (Batman Begins and The Dark Knight were shot here) and home to my first ever sports hero Michael Jordan. Chicago is destination no. 1 primarily because my Tita Tel and Tito Ruben are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, which is the reason for this whole trip in the first place. We will be spending a week in Chicago, after which my family and I will go our separate ways for 4 days as they head to New York and me to the West Coast.

Destination no. 2 is California -- I will be flying into San Diego on Nov 27th and then meeting up with Jaim, and shortly thereafter (early next morning) driving to destination no. 3, Sin City -- Vegas baby!!! I heard we will be staying at the Venetian for a few days (thanks Ate Bam!). From Las Vegas, I really want to take that sunset helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon... I'm still thinking about it but I am 80% convinced that I should do it. As for the other activities in Vegas... well you know what happens there anyway. Funnnnn. :)

Then on Dec. 1st we will be leaving Vegas since Jaim has to go to class and work (loser!!! hehe joke lang). She will drop me off at Anaheim where I am again meeting up with my family. The next couple of days will of course be spent in Disneyland, Universal Studios and an LA tour which will take us to Hollywood. Tita Emie and family, who live in San Diego, will also come out to LA to be with us. On Dec. 5th my family is headed back to Manila, while I am staying back for a couple more days to explore LA some more. Jaim and I are headed to the Getty Museum and Santa Monica Pier and of course, the not-to-be-missed home of grrrrrrrrreat roller coasters, 6 Flags Magic Mountain!

All in all a pretty packed schedule but I really like traveling that way, making the most out of the trip. I can sleep and rest when I'm back home right? I hope everything goes to plan and that this turns out to be an grand and enjoyable adventure, otherwise I will be happy to just have lotsa fun during this time off and of course come back with a (significantly) heavier suitcase filled with goodies! :)

Harassed

2008-11-17T10:11:00.000+08:00

This is it. I have to write. I am feeling restless and a hundred different things are running through my head. I had one month to plan everything but, according to the natural order of things (which I noticed I now currently use as my scapegoat for many situations that I find myself in), of course I left everything to the last minute.

Tasks to finish at work. Things to hand over. Pasalubongs to buy. Stuff to pack. Activities to plan and decide on. Tickets to book. All within the next 68 hours; 20 of which I have to spend in the office, and at least another 20 for sleeping, which leaves me with roughly 28 hours (including bathroom breaks and meals, which I most likely will forsake in favor of the above mentioned things to do). I could so freak out right now.

But, but, but, I have decided not to ruin the fun of it all by being stressed out about the trip -- this is supposed to be a vacation after all. I need to get rid of the stress and make way for excitement.

I'm trying to shake it off. Trying.

I'm No Fish Killer

2008-11-11T12:11:00.000+08:00

Do you remember my old entry 'Fish and Relationships'? Well since that first couple of fighting fish which I stupidly put together (which according to Dan should not be done, since they'll try and kill each other, which they did), I have had several others. On my birthday, Irene gave me three new fish, two of which barely lasted a week.

I guess it's because of this that my friends tease me about being a Fish Killer. Which is ironic, because I have always had every intention of keeping them alive for as long as I could, until of course it becomes inconvenient for me... (i.e. cleaning the water every other day? come on!) Hence it's not killing. It's not murder. Just homicide.

Anyway here is attempt number three. I'm hoping to get it right this time. If the fish still die... this is really not my fault anymore!

I believe I gave my seven (yes seven!) new fish a good home: light, plants, more sand, better food, even a couple of white coral-looking rocks. But above all I put in an oxygen pump. It was a very significant and noticeable difference; the water doesn't become dirty as easily and the fish like to play with the bubbles. Well at least some of the bigger ones. The smaller ones seemed to be freaked out by the pressure, and for good reason, since the bubbles could very easily push them out of the way.

Now when I go home, I look forward to spending a few minutes with my fish and watching them swim -- no, more like wiggle around -- in their tank. They are so alive, that I think it's the oxygen making them all giddy and high. I find it both amusing and relaxing at the same time, and having other living creatures inside my apartment makes it feel a bit more homey and less empty.

What does this mean, you ask? Is this entry really just about the ~~stupid~~ fish? Or does it have something to do with relationships -- like most of Teng's entries seem to be???

Well, actually... this time, I prefer it to be just about the fish. :)

Turning Silver

2008-11-05T09:06:00.000+08:00

Anyone who knows me well knows that birthdays hold a special place in my heart. I believe that you are given one day a year that's yours and that you should be happy, if not on any other day of the year, then at the very least on your birthday. I feel that friends and family owed it to you to make it special. People always say, "Nah it's just an ordinary day, don't make a big deal out of it." but everyone will always be pleasantly surprised when you do something special for them... which is also why I like going to extra lengths to arrange surprises and celebrations particularly for my (sometimes lonesome) expat friends here in Beijing.

But as November 3 rolled in, I did not know what to expect. And as always is the case when one does not expect, I was very pleasantly surprised... all day long!

Three "anonymous" bouquets, two surprise birthday cakes, one delicious ice cream cake, wonderful gifts, text messages, emails, Friendster messages and comments, Multiply guestbook entries and PM's, Yahoo offline messages, posts on my Facebook wall and countless other greetings later, I headed home feeling more than happy... I felt extremely loved.

For a single girl who lives alone and who's celebrating her 25th birthday in a foreign land, I really could not ask for more. :)

I was looking for last year's birthday entry, here it is: A Day After, and I am happy to report that compared to the tone of last year's entry, this year's birthday was much happier. :)

Photos here!

Here's a blow-by-blow account of what went down on November 3, 2008:

12:02 am - First greeting received
1:00 am - I get to bed, feeling like a grade school kid anticipating a field trip. I couldn't sleep, for whatever reason!
6:30 am - Parents wake me up for a birthday call. I complain that I didn't need to be up until 8:00am! (But of course I was still touched; Papa's outrageously off-key rendition of happy birthday was just so funny!)
8:00 am - I drag myself out of bed, not having had enough sleep. Get ready for work.
9:00 am - I get to the office. First time I check my mobile phones. A bunch of messages have come into both China and Globe numbers. No one from my team greets me by the way!
9:30 am - Joyce comes over to wish me a happy birthday and gives me a box of Krispy Kreme donuts all the way from Hong Kong! Still no greeting from anyone in the team.
10:00 am - Haifa and I start planning the birthday dinner.
10:40 am - Invitations sent out for my birthday dinner @ Saveurs de Coree, a Korean place in one of Beijing's hip-happening hutongs.
11:00 am - Receptionist gives me a call, saying I've got some flowers. That put a smile on my face. =)
11:02 am - I walk out to reception to pick up the flowers and boy was I shocked. They were huge! Bouquet no. 1 had more than 4 dozen red roses in a giant arrangement. There was no card.
11:04 am - I return to my desk with the roses. Of course everyone in the team starts wondering why I got them and who they were from. I finally received birthday greetings then. Hehe.
12:10 pm - Me and my friends and some teammates leave for lunch. We were meeting Haifa and Gauri at the Thai place downstairs at 12:15 pm.
12:20 pm - I was starving so decided to not wait for Haifa and Gauri anymore. I ordered all my favorites–yum yum yum! I was happily eating.
12:30 pm - Already halfway through lunch with still no signs of Haifa and Gauri. I give Haifa a call and she says they're on their way and arriving in 5 minutes.
12:40 pm - Still no sign of Haifa and Gauri. I was starting to get suspicious. Also because the waiters were acting very weird as well!
12:45 pm - My friends walk in and of course they were singing and holding a lighted cake! Everyone was looking but we didn't care (suki na kami sa Thai resto na yun e) and I blew the candles on my first cake of the day. Black Forest from the China World bakery - yum!
1:30 pm - I return to the office to find a second bouquet of roses on my desk, with a card that read: "I know what you did last summer. Happy birthday! Love, Anonymous." Hahahaha that cracked me up, more so because I could recognize the handwriting! For sure it was either Gauri or Haifa, which they denied, of course.
3:00 pm - All of a sudden the lights go out, and in comes a couple of my teammates with Cake #2 for me. :) Blew the candles on cake #2, with the same wish I had for Cake #1. Who knows, maybe the more times you wish it, the better the chances of getting it!
6:00 pm - Left the office. Joyce helped me carry the giant bouquets home.
7:30 pm - We arrive at Nanluoguxiang for the birthday dinner. Food was quite good and that hutong (small street) is really cool.
8:00 pm - I receive a call from some Chinese guy. Another delivery is waiting in my apartment. I wonder who it's from. I ask it to be delivered to a friend's place since I'm out.
8:30 pm - Kuru says my 450D and LV don't go well together so I open my gift - a new Crumpler 5 Million Dollar Home camera bag. :)
9:30 pm - We finish dinner and head to Haagen Dazs for some dessert. Cake #3 is blown - again, I have the same wish. :)
11:00 pm - We walk home from Haagen Dazs and I enter an apartment filled with gifts and flowers. Such a nice feeling.
11:30 pm - As my birthday draws to a close, I reflect on the day I have just had. I think about how I'm going to write about it. I select the photos I'm going to post. But above all I relish in the warm-fuzzy-wonderful feeling of having family and friends who make me feel extremely loved - despite distance, time zone or cultural differences. Then I say a prayer, thanking Him for the past year and asking for guidance and protection for the next, not only for me but for my family and friends too.

All in all, an awesome birthday on all counts. I don't know how turning 26 can top that! :)

Stupid Movie

2008-10-28T19:40:00.002+08:00

I had set out to stay in tonight and have some alone time after a pretty hectic past few weeks. Got some food delivered and passed by my suking DVD shop downstairs to get some movies to entertain me tonight. I picked up The Notebook; I know, I know what you're thinking -- pure mush. I've read the book but I've always wondered if the movie does live up to its 'tear-jerker' reputation. The other movie I picked up was Dan in Real Life starring Steve Carell. I figured I needed something to counter the depression that might stem from watching The Notebook. (Seriously, cover palang nung DVD with that couple kissing in the rain, parang alam mo na kaagad how it will make you feel!).

After a quick rating check from IMDB.com (The Notebook was rated a surprising 8.0/10, while Dan in Real Life was only 7.0/10) I decided to watch Dan in Real Life first. No point rushing into lovesick mode with that other movie.

Ten minutes into the movie I was still waiting for the comedy to come. Where is the funny man that I know Steve Carell to be? The Steve Carell of The 40 Year Old Virgin and Evan Almighty? The legendary Michael Scott of The Office? Well the movie turned out to be more touching than I had wanted it to be. I can imagine feeling less emotional than if I had watched The Notebook, because at least that movie would have just been pure mush while this movie... This movie... It was real. And I hated it for being real. More than just romantic love, it was about family and bonding. The soundtrack didn't help too. It was good. Appropriate and good. And so I sat through it --

...listening to lines like, "Love is not a feeling, it's an ability." Crap.

...watching Dan's relationship with his daughters unfold.

...taking in all that family love while trying to curb the pangs of homesickness.

So there. This is what I get for wanting to sit at home and watch a comedy movie to take my mind off things. Note to self: Next time, try to find out more about the storyline before watching the film. Be better prepared.

Ironically, Dan from the movie debunks that whole statement. As his last words go: Be prepared to be surprised.

Hay, maka tulog na nga.

Random Random

2008-10-24T13:29:00.000+08:00

Better to have a blog entry with random thoughts than to not have a blog entry at all. :)

* * *
Goodbye to the Rebel who served me well
I said goodbye to my Canon Rebel today. At this very moment my beloved 400D is on its way to its new owner - my (extremely lucky) younger sister. (who I dunno what she did to deserve it - D sa unit test!!!). I hear she's aspiring to be a photojournalist. Tata, use my camera well, ok?

* * *
Work woes
A lot of people have been having work woes lately. Me included. My family and friends have advised me to just look forward to my vacation plans (I'm leaving Nov. 20th!!!) but the thing is... I don't really want to be one of those people whose only source of happiness are their days off from work.

But then again, of course it is a personal decision to get one's tired ass to work everyday. Just another one of those poisons we pick ourselves.

* * *
Non-acrophobic wanted
Jaim!!! Heli ride ha! Don't bail out on me!

I am yet to find a travel buddy who's not deathly afraid of heights. I mean, I too am afraid but I do try. And I love roller coasters! Bungee jumping is next. John Rae, idol kita diyan. Dadasalan ko muna yung Macau Tower. Last night Jaybee and I were discussing it and I was getting clammy hands just thinking about standing on the edge right before the plunge. Katakot!!!

* * *
Homesick nanaman
It's been 3 months since I last went home. In keeping with my biological clock (hehe) I am feeling homesick again. The fact that Papa mentioned that they are headed to Subic for the weekend totally did not help. I miss our family roadtrips! And Subic, though I've been there many times, is a welcome respite from the hustle and bustle of Manila.

Kelan kaya ako uuwi... for good?

* * *
Events Galore
To make the days pass more quickly so that the next thing I know it's Nov. 20, I've been trying to book my evenings as well. So next week on the 29th I will be watching Lea Salonga in the Cinderella musical - they're here in Beijing for 5 days. Then I have tickets for Kanye West's Glow in the Dark tour on Nov. 1st - yahoo!

And then of course there's that day... Third day of the eleventh month of the year. Will it be an event? Or will it be just another Monday? Who cares, when I'm turning 25?! Waaaah! I'm sticking to age 24. Haha. Walang kokontra!

When was the last time someone made you smile?

2008-10-14T13:57:00.000+08:00

I have had a quite productive day. Work, work, work -- just like I used to be. Just like how it's supposed to be. (Hehe.)

So earlier as I was click-clacking on my keyboard, all of a sudden I realized that the muscles on my face feels too slack. I tried moving my lips around and then it hit me... I need to smile more! I thought to myself - someone please make me smile.

Then I started writing this blog entry. I was supposed to ask you guys to hit me with your best joke so I can sit here and laugh my ass off. But fast forward to 5:30pm, with this entry not quite finished, a friend came over to my seat and we chatted for a while. As we were laughing about some stuff he suddenly quips, "I am happy to see that I've made you smile."

I think God was listening when I asked for someone to make me smile. Now I don't feel so ho-hum anymore. :)

The Product of Late-night Conversations

2008-10-13T12:42:00.000+08:00

It's been a couple of weeks since I have had a housemate (hi Jaybee!) and I can no longer remember the last time I have had enough hours of sleep. I'm not complaining though, for in the same regard I have been more regular in going to the gym thanks to his incessant prodding, and watching Pinoy movies with someone who actually understands the dialogue is always fun. But really, I'm not complaining, mostly because more often than not the reason for staying up late is good conversation, about all things under the sun (and over it): from the current economic recession to relationships and marriage, from strategic career planning to grade school and high school experiences; from the things that Jaybee thinks Teng has missed out on and the other way around.

However all this talk has encouraged me to reconsider a lot of things too. The fact that I am counting down to my 25th birthday is not helping; cliche as it sounds, quarter-life crises seem to be real for many people (my lolas and I included!). All of a sudden I insist on finding answers to rhetorical questions. I seem to be more stubborn with my beliefs and resist things that do not come with a logical, rational explanation. I even more adamantly refuse to accept justifications like "that's just the way things work", "that's life" and "ganun talaga". And yet, it also feels like being backed up against a wall - a thick, big, solid wall. Because, after all, what can you do if neither yourself nor anyone else can give you a satisfactory explanation of life's experiences?

There was a time when I felt I could fight for all my convictions, but now I feel I've run out of fuel, that fuel called youth. Youth is a great excuse, if not the single best excuse... for trying crazy things, making rash decisions, throwing caution to the wind... and above all, for taking your sweet time figuring things out. But heck, no one's getting any younger. Maybe it's time to take a long hard look at those convictions and try to open myself up to new ones... new things to believe in.

It ain't easy. The risk-averse, starry-eyed manang is embedded in me. She's the one who sits on the couch on late evenings staring out into the night, thinking, worrying, reflecting, swirling thoughts around in her head trying to make sense of them, and in this cycle she's probably speeding up her ageing process. She's idealistic, unfalteringly believing in the best of things and the best of people and refusing to be jaded despite having seen terrible things and even more terrible people. She's also the one who believes in old school love, having witnessed many instances that prove to her that there's nothing wrong believing in it and that one day it could happen to her as well.

I feel I must say goodbye to the manang who believed in all things good and beautiful and romantic, and how they will unravel in the way she saw it in her head. Or at least, I shouldn't let her surface too often. It kind of gets tiring, how people keep telling me I'm too idealistic when the world out there is not the least bit as perfect as I imagine it would be.

Youth was my great excuse for idealism, but soon enough it will no longer be on my side. My doubts will, slowly but surely, eat up what's left of the hope I once had that life is, for the most part, fair. So before that happens, allow me a little indulgence for my idealistic self and end on a hopeful note: Life's not fair, but it can still be good!

Walalang.

2008-10-06T06:17:00.000+08:00

True to the natural order of things, just when we ended our week-long holiday, the weather decided to take a turn for the better and today we have a beautiful clear sky. As luck would have it, today I am also back to being bound by the glass panels of the office such that the blue skies (a rarity in Beijing) can only be enjoyed from behind my monitor.

There really is nothing much for me to write about, but I thought I owed it to myself to 'maintain' this blog despite the rather languid pace that my life has taken for the past week. The seven-day holiday was spent like this:

Day 1: Desperate Housewives marathon.
Day 2: 4 batches of laundry; Jaybee arrives.
Day 3: China's National Day, we stupidly headed to the Forbidden City together with half the city's population. Rewarded ourselves with a good dinner at desserts though.
Day 4: Went to Ritan Park for lunch. Good weather and good Chinese food.
Day 5: Partied, and rightly so; it was a Friday night! It was fuuuuuuun. :)
Day 6: Back to being good. We went to the gym. Then feasted on Adobo to gain all that lost weight back. Haha.
Day 7: Had Pinoy-style spaghetti for dinner. Work mode starting to creep back in, but I had severe holiday hangover. Couldn't sleep till 3am today.

I'm again hitting the expat down cycle and now just looking forward to getting off work (i.e. 6pm, weekends and the vacation I'm planning for November). I'm quite happy though that Jaybee is here to keep me company for another couple of weeks; it's great to have someone to speak Filipino with, although that makes it difficult (and irritating) to switch back to English when I have to.

So there. I know the last week was too la-di-dah and did not warrant a blog entry, but I was worried that people were starting to miss me. Hehe joke lang.

Second anniversary na namin 'to tsong.

2008-09-28T09:57:00.000+08:00

For my friend Aprille, a recent joiner to the overseas Pinoys club. :)

It's been 731 days since I moved to Beijing and about as many ups and downs, life lessons, breakdowns, happy moments, triumphs, tears and laughter over this span of time.

A few years ago I read from an Arlene Chai book a few lines about migrants having two "homes" and how, no matter which home they are going to, they are always leaving another one behind; missing the sights and smells and sounds of one as they go rushing to the other. Now I know exactly how it feels. Exactly.

I spent the better part of these two years wishing everyday that time would pass swiftly by, that one day I would wake up and it will be time to go home. But it is inevitable to create a home and a life right where you are in the present, despite knowing and resolving that your situation is temporary, despite knowing that you will one day return to where you came from.

And so Beijing is also home to me now. The sights and smells and sounds of this city, like any other, has its good and bad sides. But I accept it for what it is, with only the occassional judgement, and I appreciate it for everything it has taught me. It's not perfect by any means, but I am loyal to this city and I snap back to anyone who talks trash about it.

Today I am compelled to look back and reflect on the direction my life has taken. 'Two years in a foreign city' never came up in any of my plans when I was younger, but having been through it, I realize this chapter of my life has been indispensable. I am also indebted to my parents for giving me both roots and wings. I wouldn't have it any other way. And when I have kids in the future I would encourage them to live in a foreign land once; I think it will help them become well-rounded individuals and see that there is a big, big world out there that can be not just discovered but experienced.

So I guess, the one-year countdown to the end of my Beijing contract officially begins today. But really, by now I should already know that plans are just plans, and just as easily changed.

Who knows where I'll find myself a day, a week, a month, a year from now? :)

Weekend in Qingdao

2008-09-22T12:31:00.000+08:00

People from the office have commented that I looked like death, but instead of being bothered, I am somehow pleased about it. Rarely do I have reasons to be this tired, and the weekend that has just passed, despite leaving me looking (and feeling) like road kill, was in fact good fun.

Qingdao is a small port city located an hour's flight south of the capital. It sits right next to the sea so the expat crew from good old land-locked Beijing was more than happy to make their way to Qingdao for the weekend for some sun and surf. It was just icing on the cake that the city has just commenced its annual Beer Festival. (Yeah right! Hehe.)

I'm not a big beer drinker so I didn't join any of the drinking contests; I left that to the thousands of Chinese guzzlers who turned up for the festival and most of whom enjoyed gawking at our group because we looked like a United Nations contingent. 12 people, 10 nationalities. We had people from Hong Kong, the Netherlands, Turkey, Sweden, Kenya, Denmark, Tunisia, Australia, India and of course yours truly representing the Philippines. So I guess that freaked the locals out a little bit. Only a little bit.

Anyway aside from their fascination with beer, the locals also have a penchant for walking around the city in their beach wear. I guess that's what you get for living next to the sea. That also made people-watching a very enjoyable activity; the pace of life was not at all frantic and perfect for a relaxed weekend of strolling. Of course strolling takes its toll as well (case in point: today's muscle pain), but at least I just feel exhausted, not wasted.

All in all it was a fun weekend. We all need to get away from this crazy city once in a while. But now I'm feeling restless again... I need another project, or trip, something to plan. Or a haircut. Or maybe a new job. (Hehe where did that come from?) Anyway, photos to follow. Right now I have to go back to fantasizing about going back home and crawling into bed. An hour and a half to go...

Makes Me Wonder

2008-09-18T12:37:00.000+08:00

I am once again weighing my options in anticipation of the end of my China stint. My time is up by September 2009, but as per company expatriation policy I will be able to leave for repatriation (i.e. going back to my home base organization, which is the Philippines) as early as six months prior to the expiration of my contract. Hence before we all know it, I could very well be headed back to the motherland by April 2009. (On a related note: I hope this serves as a warning to those who promised to visit me in Beijing! The clock is ticking, my friends!)

As I continue to ponder on my next move, I occasionally get these waves of desire to go back home. It's one giant tsunami of nostalgia washing over me, and it drowns out all thought of aggressive pursuit of ambitions and stretched career goals, even the low salary levels and inconveniences that come hand in hand with returning to the Philippines. I immediately switch to the stubborn, irrational Scorpio that I am - just wanting what I want, period. No explanations owed to anyone, not even my own self.

I have often fantasized about living in Manila again -- weekend lunches with the family... Seeing my friends anytime I want to... Impromptu reunions... Going for out-of-town roadtrips... Exploring domestic travel destinations... Driving to Tagaytay on a whim... Drowning my problems in funny stories and alcohol... Fun videoke nights belting E-heads songs... Speaking Filipino... In short, living the life I should have been living for the past two years, had I been home.

Now that I have the chance to return, it makes me wonder why I am even considering any other options apart from this one.

Thoughts on a Gloomy Tuesday

2008-09-16T12:26:00.000+08:00

The previous title to this entry was "Bad Girls Always Win" in reference to how BC has chosen to pursue this certain girl which needless to say is the one the title is referring to. But then I decided against it, having realized I have no right to judge the people he wishes to pursue, and more so no right to project my own bitterness towards her.

Hence let me just discuss my feelings towards myself.

I have long tried rationalizing my actions by saying that I'm just another girl who likes a guy. I mean, who hasn't been there at one point in their lives? Giving the person you like special favors, special treatment - always special something. It's but natural when you are trying to win someone over, isn't it? But yeah, there is this moment where you see things as they really are, and in that moment I saw myself and what I had a risk of becoming: a pathetic loser.

Which is why I have also decided to put an end to this. And yes I know what you'll be saying - that you've heard this all before (mas feel pag tagalog... alam kong sasabihin niyo, "Narinig ko na yan!") and I agree with you fully if you say that. At this point I have no excuses. I won't defend myself and why I didn't heed the warning signs indicating that BC is really nothing more than a kamote trying to pass himself off as human. I won't even justify the perhaps undeserved kindness that I've shown him over the past few months. At this point I now just expect all of you good friends to be like that compassionate, loving father who says, "Kung sa'n ka masaya, suportahan ta ka."

I am no loser, and I'll never be one for anyone. Tama na ang kahibangang ito! I am fabulous. I believe I have a lot to offer. I am a soul of gold so...

Darna!

Hahaha. Yeah I'm just trying to cheer myself up with this entry and so far it's working. :)

* * *

I was deleting old mails and came across these few lines I had written about BC a few months back. I sent it to Jaybee and not quite sure why I didn't post it in my blog.

Although these words are now just saccharine mush to me, re-reading it reminded me of how powerful an inspiration a 'muse' can be, and how easy words flow when you have someone to write them for.

You're such a smooth talker - I'm not quite sure if you know. I wonder if you really mean what you say, or if you simply know how to pull at my strings, and you just want to try and see what happens. How would I respond? Would I blush? Or perhaps, come back with a sarcastic remark? Would I laugh and just shrug it off as one of your casual jokes?
You don't know but these quips of yours end up as highlights of my day. Believe me, I try to not let them be. But then I would just find myself telling the story to anyone who would listen. And every time I recall and retell, it still would make me smile. Despite the uncertainty of your intentions and sincerity, it still makes me smile. People expect me to know better than to think your words are real... But as I said, you're such a smooth talker, and your words just glide through to me, and I can't... can't help it... that it does.

But, like I said, these were written months back. Old lines, old feeling.

Frustration with a capital F

2008-09-15T22:26:00.000+08:00

There aren't enough hours in a day to waste. I can't believe the long weekend is over and that I will be headed back to work in a few hours. I am so not in the mood to go back to work. So I guess the smart thing to do is... while away my frustration at this ungodly hour by answering another survey.

What were you doing last Friday night?
- Had a good dinner at a Middle Eastern restaurant then watched an excellent Hindi movie called Lagaan, which converted me into an Aamir Khan fan overnight. :)

Name something you did yesterday?
- Watched Wedding Crashers on DVD

Last person you text messaged?
- Jaim

Who was the last person to call you?
- Mark

Next time you travel out of the country where will it be?
- US... If I get my visa.

What color are your eyes?
- Really dark brown that it's almost black. Like everyone from home.

Are you allergic to anything?
- Glitter... and rude people.

Last place you ordered food from?
- Ganges. Indian food.

Who knows lots of secrets about you?
- Good friends. And my sister.

When was the last time you lied?
- Can't remember...

Do you like fire? Why?
- I like it the normal amount, for pragmatic purposes.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
- Jeans.

Do you want to be a teacher?
- Sometimes I think I do. I'm just afraid I won't have enough patience.

Is anyone jealous of you?
- Not that I know of. Hehe.

Have any regrets?
- Every once in a while, but I try not to think about it.

Is cheating ever okay?
- No. I quite judge people who cheat.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
- A Beijing cab driver.

What are you looking forward to?
- Salary adjustment this month, Jaybee visiting in October and the US trip in November. :)

What's your name spelled backwards?
- inibam ademarrab enna enitsirhc

What did you do last night?
- Game night at Irene's. We played the Beijing version Monopoly and I won! :)

The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
- Come A Little Bit Closer by Brandy - that's because of you Mariel! :)

Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
- Thank God I've never been that bored. Hehe.

Last time you swam in a pool?
- A couple of weeks ago. In Alexander.

What are you wearing?
- Sleep wear

How many cars have you owned?
- Technically, none that I've bought with my own money.

Type of music you dislike most?
- Heavy metal

Are you registered to vote?
- Yep

Do you have cable?
- Yep, like 70 Chinese channels that I have no use of.

What kind of computer do you use?
- A black Macbook

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
- Yes!

Furthest place you ever traveled?
- Europe

What's your favorite comic strip?
- Does Far Side count? There's also a witty one on Inquirer but I don't know what it's called.

Do u know all the words to the national anthem?
- I better!

Shower, morning or night?
- Preferably both

Best movie you've seen in the past month?
- Lagaan

Favorite pizza toppings?
- Beef, mushroom, garlic and extra cheese. Hay I miss A Veneto.

What cell phone provider do you have?
- Globe and China Mobile

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
- Does personality day count? When I was in grade 6 I think. Haha

Orange juice or Apple?
- Apple

Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
- My best Beijing girls Haifa and Gauri

Favorite chocolate bar?
- Rittersport White Chocolate with Hazelnuts and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (does my second one count?)

Who is your longest friend and how long?
- Elaine. About 13 years.

Ever thrown up in public?
- Hahahaha once and it's something I would love to forget. Hehehe

Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
- The latter, but I wonder if they are mutually exclusive...

Do you believe in love at first sight?
- Attraction, yes. Love, I doubt.

Where would you like to go right now?
- Anywhere I can be with family and good friends. Preferably with some good Pinoy food and booze... and throw in a beautiful sunset as well. :)

Survey. Not useful for you... Don't read.

2008-09-12T09:58:00.000+08:00

Mariel tagged me. Too lazy to work. You were warned.

What/who's your favorite...
activity: doing nothing. then spending money.
sport: to watch, basketball.
number: 3
color(s): red, black, white. and yellow, on more cheerful days.
person: naman, too many.
day & month: friday, december
outfit: work suits. hehe. and anything i look good in.
clothing brand: nike
shopping store(s): Carrefour... hehe
brand of makeup: clinique, red earth
'saying': hehe
collection in your younger years: letters from friends
collection in present: gadgets
book: rage of angels
teacher: ma'am adeva
school subject: AV Comm and Speech Comm and Geometry. Nerdox.
game(s): Taboo and Cranium
restaurant/fastfood: jollibee for life
pop/juice/alcoholic/any drink: coke light, nestea iced tea, watermelon juice, mugua niunai (some kind of papaya drink with milk)
fruit: banana and good mangoes.
chocolate bar/candy: ritter sport hazelnut in white chocolate! and snickers, ok na rin.
dish: my papa's adobo, my papa's sinigang, my papa's caldereta
potato chips: ruffles cheddar and sour cream or lay's sour cream
icecream flavor: pistachio on some brands. and anything chunky.
actor & actress: adam sandler and drew barrymore
cartoon character: uhm, pooh? hehe
singer & band: eraserheads and APO hiking society
song: right now, take it from here by justin timberlake
music genre(s): hip hop, r&b, acoustic
tv show(s): friends, grey's anatomy, gossip girl, heroes, desperate housewives
tv channel(s): discovery channel (can you blame me, yan lang ang available)
animated movie: monsters inc, toy story, finding nemo. the disney classics
recent movie(s): dreamgirls, hairspray
three movies: moulin rouge, patch adams, wedding singer
movie genre(s): anything but action and scary movies
website(s): www.postsecret.com, www.facebook.com
flower: lilies
animal: puppies
season: spring and fall
winter activity: staying in and watching dvd's
holiday: christmas and new year and my birthday
place you have lived: manila, cebu, beijing
spot to hang out: a friend's apartment
vacation spot: jiuzhaigou, and i've always wanted to see brazil.

Petiks Kung Petiks

2008-09-12T09:15:00.000+08:00

Tapos na ang maliligayang araw ng pagpetiks. Masaklap. Papasok na ulet yung department head namin sa Tuesday. Balik trabaho nanaman ako. Ang mahirap dun, tinatamad na ko sa position ko.

Feeling ko malakas talaga ang tendency ko magsawa... Kailangan after at least a year eh may mga pagbabago sa ginagawa ko or else I start getting frustrated hence stop working. Yung manager ko dati kahit papano namomotivate ako na magtrabaho, kasi I'm very open to her about feeling like crap about my job and she somehow finds a way to get me back on track. Kaya lang nag-resign na siya. So kailangan kong bunuin to mag-isa.

Wala lang. Daming laman ng to-do list pero mas gugustuhin ko pa na malintikan sa department head namin pagbalik niya kaysa gawin ko yung mga nasa listahan na yun. Yun ang nakakatakot dun... Yung wala na kong takot. Petiks kung petiks.

Sa sobrang tamad ko ngayon ni hindi na ako gumamit ng English sa blog na ito. Nakakatamad talaga. Countdown na lang bago mag-weekend.

*yawn*

Mind Games: Necessary Evil?

2008-09-09T20:58:00.000+08:00

When I first started liking Boy Chekwa, many of my close friends immediately found out about it. I'm open like that - since I'm also often excited about sharing stories and 'conquests'. Needless to say my friends have their own opinions on how I should go about this and how to eventually hook that elusive Chekwa.

Perhaps the most common advice I get from friends has something to do with:
- not always being available to him 
- not being too nice to him 
- not inviting him to activities too often 
- not seeing him so often 
- not doing him any favors 
...you get the idea. I understand where they're coming from; it does not mean I advocate it though. I still get confused whether to follow this advice, or act according to my natural instincts. And natural for me is being nice to people I like - platonic friends included.

You see I'm no expert in flirting, dating or relationships, but what little experience I have has taught me that you can win people over by plain old treating them nicely and showing them who you really are. Some people take longer to notice that you could be what they've been looking for, but generally they all end up realizing that sooner or later. Or at least that's what I'd like to believe.

The sheer number of friends who have been encouraging me to play mind games with BC is just... well, sheer. So many people tell me that this is the way to go; but I've never been good at mind games which is why I am more than happy to not follow this advice. But tell me, is this really how things are supposed to work? Am I really too hopeful and idealistic to think that being nice to him will actually win him over? Or do men really enjoy the thrill of the chase, so much so that they are blind to other simpler women with whom what you see is what you get?
Anyway, at the end of the day I know I'm going to act according to what my heart tells me and according to what makes me happy. I'm just rather curious – if everyone else in this world were actually playing mind games with each other, how can other people still end up together and stay together? At some point I guess the games would have to stop and everyone must let down their guard – it just kind of makes me wonder why anyone would even bother to start playing these games in the first place.

Fork in the Road

2008-09-05T19:21:00.000+08:00

In 22 days, I will begin to count down my last year in China.

It still surprises me that it has been two years since I first landed in this city. It was September 27, 2006 when I took that flight to Beijing. Bagyong Milenyo was rampaging Manila at that time and we were the last flight to take off for the day - all others were cancelled. Talk about my sheer luck.

I have spent the better part of my first year here wishing I could fast forward to 2009 and also going home every couple of months on average. Now for some reason, I wish I could pause time... I just need it to stop ticking, stop the countdown for a while as I decipher my next move.

It's not so much the leaving that bothers me; it's more of the fact that I am again facing make-or-break decisions. Another fork in the road. And as the years go by, the decisions only get harder and harder, and the number of choices seem to multiply exponentially over time.

I have been lucky in life for the most part - and I thank God and all my lucky stars for that - but for this same reason I have developed a sort of 'pre-risk' aversion. I call it that because I spend a lot of time worrying about what decisions to take, but I am not scared to take the plunge once the decision has been made. Imagine being scared about deciding whether or not to enter a dark cave... but once you step inside you feel a sense of calm and acceptance about your decision, and resolve to just hope against hope that the choice you made turns out to be the right one. You also resolve not to go running out of that cave anytime soon. That's how this pre-risk aversion works for me.

The rational, logical, business suit-clad part of me says there's always a way to calculate risk, and the best decisions are the informed ones. On the other hand, the life-loving, passionate, impulsive part of me that rocks to Eheads songs tells me that when I stand there before the fork in my road, my heart will know what's best for me. In many previous life decisions I have made -- like which course to take in college and what school to go to and which company to work for and whether or not I should stay in the MISE program and whether to choose location vs. position for expatriation -- there seems to have been some sort of compromise between logic and passion.

Should I stay? Should I go? Where should I go? What do I want?

I can feel my palms starting to sweat just thinking about it.

I will just have to find a way to work out that same balance between logic and passion this time. Pray to God my brain doesn't explode from too much thinking!

My Olympic Experience

2008-09-01T19:42:00.000+08:00

WARNING: Partially emote entry.
(hanep sa title parang pang grade school formal theme writing. heheh)

I thought I'd write a long, grand post-Olympic entry but in true Teng fashion the thoughts are all a-jumbled in my head. That's why it has taken me a week to post this. I don't even know where to start. The past two weeks have been a mess of Opening Ceremonies and event tickets and scalpers and scams and gold medals and broken world records, to say the least, that even I was caught up in the frenzy.

Let me start out with the most seemingly life-changing experience. I know it's corny, but the first time I stood in the Olympic green, surrounded by a well-lit Bird's Nest and Water Cube, I wanted to cry. Very similar to what I felt when I first saw St. Peter's Basilica, or actual falling snow. It was overwhelming standing there. I was in awe. What can I say? If five years ago somebody had told me I'd be witnessing the 2008 Olympics with my very eyes, I would probably have laughed my ass off and said, "Heller!".

The thing is, nothing can change where I came from; I'm still just a simple girl from a developing country, and in most ways I think we were brought up to be unassuming. Blame it on the third-world effect. As a kid, I never expected actually going to these places that I've been to in the last few years. I wished, yes, but never expected. But God... what a way to prove me wrong! I am humbled to have been here and to have experienced this.

ANYWAY!

Onto other lighter stuff:
1. I think Yao Ming is way overrated (and I know millions of Chinese will kill me for that statement!). But I think it's the celebrity status that makes him such a hero and not the other way around. That's just my personal opinion.

2. Nakakaloka yung performance ng London nung closing! Kinda gives you an idea of what the 2012 Olympics will be like... A bunch of pop artists, a violinist in skimpy hot pants and David Beckham. Hehe.

3. The Bird's Nest and Water Cube has a combined seating capacity of 108,000, and yet getting in and out of the venues was easier than getting across one end of SM Southmall to the other during their 3-day sale. I guess that only means... SM Southmall needs better crowd control.

4. Line 10 is a God-send. For the Olympics, several new subway lines were built, including an Airport Express Line (just like HK's) and Line 10, with a station directly in front of my apartment building and connects directly to the Olympic Green!

5. One of my biggest discoveries of this Olympics is an Indian boxer by the name of Vijender Kumar (you'll see him in my Olympics album). Vijender won for India their first medal in Boxing, ever. It was by chance that I got to watch him, since he was competing on the same night when Harry Tanamor, the Filipino boxer, was supposed to be competing if he had gotten through the qualifying round. Anyway, it was fun cheering for Vijender - I never knew boxers could be so attractive. Si Manny kasi e. Na-stereotype ko na tuloy ang mga boxers. Hehe.

Needless to say the Summer Olympics 2008 will forever be one of my most significant memories in Beijing... And now I have nothing left to say.

P.S. I am have now officially named my little blue fishie "Phelps". Isn't that a great name! :)

Tossing and Turning (Random thoughts entry)

2008-08-19T22:25:00.000+08:00

After having recovered from last week's social boredom, I am yet again facing another problematic habit - having trouble falling asleep. Yeah maybe it's not a habit, because for the most part it is something that I cannot control. I lie on my bed with the lights out, but my mind is completely lucid and is working in overdrive. And when I eventually fall asleep, I awake every couple of hours for no reason, hence by the time 8am rolls around and it's time to head to work, I am dragging my dead-tired, unrested body to the shower.

Let me unload some of my random thoughts, maybe this will help.

1. A Filipino will be competing during today's taekwondo event that I'm watching, and in the diving event on Friday. I so badly want to believe that there's still hope for a medal, but...

2. Salamat Jaim sa bigay mong iTunes gift certificate. Sa wakas nadagdagan ko na yung games ng iPod ko. Nakakaadik yung tatlong games na na-download ko. Monopoly is the best.

3. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta during the October holidays. Parang corny naman kung uuwi nanaman ako. (Ops Teng seryoso ikaw ba yan?!)

4. Masaya naman si blue fishie, sa totoo lang. He swims up and down his bowl and is so energetic, that it really convinces me that maybe he did kill the red fish. Possessive si blue fishie ko and he only wants the bowl (and perhaps the owner as well?) to himself. Hehe.

5. Naka-shuffle songs mode ang iPod ko. Ang tugtog: Your love is the greatest gift of all. (It's not the flowers wrapped in fancy paper...) Hahaha may naaalala ako sa kantang ito and it involves a 1/2 lengthwise piece of paper (also known as 1/3!). Hahaha walalang.

6. Ber na next month. Pasko nanaman... o kay tulin ng araw.

7. I am trying to memorize the Chinese song Beijing Huanying Ni (Beijing Welcomes You - watch it here with the English subtitles) - it's one of the official Olympic songs. Wala lang, achievement lang pag talaga ngang na-memorize ko yun. Next time you see me maybe you can ask me to sing it. Hehe. Beijing huanying ni, you mengxiang shei dou liaobuqi, you yongqi jiuhui you qiji... Amazing that I can even write that. I still can't believe sometimes that I can speak (even a little bit of) Chinese.

Okay, now I'm feeling sleepy. Hmm. Writing worked. Interesting. I'm off, before this sleepiness wears off again.

The Low-down on Last Week

2008-08-18T08:17:00.000+08:00

My shitty week seems to have been cause for concern for some of my friends, who have been asking me what went down last week that was, well, so shitty. Honestly I also cannot pinpoint the cause of last week's gloom (and I'm pretty sure it was not just the famous Beijing ~~pollution~~ weather that was weighing me down). I felt irate, miserable and exhausted for no apparent reason. My theory was that since the Olympics was here, it was sucking out all the positive energy for all other life forms in Beijing. But then again, that's just me and my weird theories.

Anyway I'm finding it difficult to write about it since I am feeling so much better now. But let's see...

I guess one of the main reasons why I was so down was because most of my good friends were out of town for the week, all at the same time. And the ones left in Beijing were busy with a lot of other things... Don't ask me what they were, I don't know too. Basically that left me with nothing to do during my weekday evenings except stay home and watch DVD's. And reflect on how sad my life has become, therefore plunging me into deeper despair.

Add to that the troubles I've been going through at work (see previous entry on le bitch). Jaybee of course had something to say about that. Last Thursday morning, as I was complaining to him about the general misery that is my work life, he tells me, "There are more thrills outside the walls of your company and that job you take so seriously." That more or less kicked me out of my rut - reminding me that if work's a bitch then I must remember that there is still stuff that happen after 6pm to look forward to.

I also realized one other thing - that, at work, maybe I was taking the most inconsequential of things a little bit too seriously. I must admit that the past few weeks I have lost my focus, leading me to pay too much attention to things that in fact should not matter - le bitch included... other examples being blogging on Multiply during work hours. Hehe. So now I am slowly shifting my focus on rightfully important things like salary negotiations and working my butt off for another promotion. Weeeehhhhhh asa pa! But yeah you get what I mean.

After everything is said and done, like I mentioned in my previous entry, I have emerged from it relatively unscathed and I am now back to my baseline sometimes-cheerful-sometimes-irritable self. And now I have to quickly end this - I'm running off to the Bird's Nest to see Athletics Women's finals; six medals are up for grabs! :)

Finally, goodbye week 33!

2008-08-15T18:57:00.000+08:00

I had written this rather long entry about how thankful I was that this week was coming to an end. But for some reason when I was about to publish it, I got an error, and then it was gone.

Anyway, honestly the past five days have definitely been one of the longest and painfully slow weeks I have had in quite a while. But I have emerged from it rather unscathed and will just be filing it as some days 'better left forgotten.'

Guess all I wanted to say is not to worry, I've gotten myself and my life back in order now and hopefully will not plunge back to sadness like I did the past week anytime soon. I'll be watching a number of Olympic events this week so that ought to cheer me up. I just found out that even if Philippines was eliminated at boxing on the first round (I was supposed to watch him tomorrow if he qualified), I will still catch a couple of Filipino athletes during the Men's Taekwondo and Men's 10m springboard preliminaries on Wednesday and Friday respectively. So that's a happy thought. :)

Hope you guys had a better week than I did, and happy weekend everyone! :)

Unfinished Business

2008-08-12T08:02:00.000+08:00

I feel that it is so characteristic of me to just suddenly stop in mid-thought or mid-sentence, for no apparent reason. Going through my blog, this is also evident; I found these entries that I will most likely never get around to finishing. The moment has passed and the thoughts have fled, never to be relived.

Sometimes the reason why I do not finish my entries is because the things I am feeling then are too complex for words. So much so that I need to pause and work out exactly what I want to say before I attempt to express them. And that pause sometimes turns into, well, complete abandonment of the attempt.

Anyway... just out of curiosity – which one of these would you like to continue reading?

===

1.
Fight or Flee
Nov 28, '07 1:43 PM

When I was in high school, back when mobile phones were a new fad, text was cheap, and I was a "factory" for love quotes of all kinds -- tragic tales, happy endings, romantic moments, heart-breaking confessions, unrequited affections, bumpy relationships -- I came across this one quote that I felt exemplified me and the way I see love:

"Don't be fooled into believing that letting go means you love best; instead, fight for your love -- that's what true love is all about."

I guess getting older means questioning many things in life, including the way you handle relationships.

===

2.
No Other Place
Dec 25, '07 4:00 PM

Last week, I was so worked up about going back home for the holidays that I was extra-cheerful in the office. I came to work with a silly giant smile on my face and was playing Christmas carols since all the big bosses had already gone on vacation.

One afternoon, my boss asks, "Don't you get tired of going nowhere else but the Philippines?"

Without skipping a beat, I replied, "Honestly, there's no other place I'd rather be."

And a few seconds after that, on second thought, it suddenly hit me just how true this statement was.

===

3.
Meet new friends, but keep the old
Jun 23, '08 5:27 PM

Meet new friends
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other is gold.

Was it our trusty PE teacher Mrs. Ruiz who taught us this song back in high school? She must be proud. I still remember.

That song quite appropriately describes the rough weekend that was. An old feeling called homesickness decided to pay me a visit. It was no longer familiar, actually; it caught me by surprise, because it likewise brought with it one of my other enemies - loneliness.

===

4.
Pushing the envelope
Jul 14, '08 12:57 AM

I am happy that I still manage to surprise myself every now and then. The things that I get into nowadays... I sometimes wonder what I do to find myself in those situations.

I have lived a very sheltered life, and more often than not I feel that I do try to keep to a sheltered life. I was never one to take too many risks and people who know me well also know that I enjoy my me-time.

This new social lifestyle is exactly that – entirely new to me.

===

Fish and Relationships

2008-08-11T07:51:00.000+08:00

I had this idea that it would be cool to have more living things in my apartment. My friend Arjun, who moved to Hong Kong in May, left a small plant in my care but it eventually gave up on me; so last week I unceremoniously threw it away (sorry Arjun!) and headed to Nurenjie to pick up some new pets.

I got two tropical fish – one red, one blue. I put them in this nice bowl with dark sand and a few aquatic plants. I was so happy watching them swimming around and checking on them every once in a while, despite the teasing I received from friends about how dumbo it was to get fish as pets. Anyway I racked my brains for the perfect names for my fishies, and was leaning towards Tracy and Link, from the main characters of Hairspray.

The happiness was short-lived though as, when I came back home from work on Tuesday, the red fish was (yup you guessed it) no more. She (by virtue of her color I have decided that she is female), like many fishes I have seen dead before her, was motionless on the aquarium floor and shortly afterwards was floating belly-up near the surface of the water.

For a few moments I mourned the loss of my red fish but then immediately shifted my focus onto making sure that I keep the blue one alive. I got rid of the sand, since it gets mighty dirty with the food, and also threw away the plants, since it’s so much bigger than the fish and hence irritatingly distracting. So now all I have is the bowl, some water, and my blue survivor fishie.

As expected, a friend started teasing me about my dead fish. He said that the incident says something about the owner, and how I was not ready for a relationship. I take the blame for this teasing because I did tell him once that it’s proof that you are ready for a relationship if you can take care of fish. I knew that was going to come back and bite me in the ass! But anyway, in the end he did redeem himself by saying that maybe I was meant to have just one fish...

Jaybee also saved the day by saying that sometimes, no matter how diligently you take care of something they can still die on you -- fish and relationships included. It must be remembered, though, that the operative word in this statement is can; it's just a possibility, there is no reason to believe that it will. So despite the little bit of cynicism that the death of my red fish inevitably brought, there is still some hope in me. In situations like these, when you know you are doing all you can to keep something alive, the only other thing left to do is keep the faith.

Nowadays I feed my fish and talk to him and shower him with love, but I still do fear that one day I will wake up to find him floating belly-up in the surface of the water. However I am comforted by the thought that when that day comes -- armed with the knowledge that I have done everything I can to keep him alive -- I will be strong enough to calmly scoop him up, say a prayer, flush him down the toilet, and walk away...

...Then buy a new bunch of fish from Nurenjie.

Now only if new relationships were as easy.

Olympic Men's Basketball: USA vs China

2008-08-10T18:56:00.000+08:00

This was one of the games which I would have given anything to watch. Well, maybe not anything, but I would have given quite a lot to get tickets to this match. :)

I am no expert but having grown up in a home that is permanently tuned in to PBA, NBA, PBL, UAAP, NCAA and even the annual summer basketball leagues in the village, I do like the occasional good match, and this seemed to promise to go down the record books -- and not because George Bush is attending it. With Yao Ming and a formidable team (yes basketball is also quite big in China, hence the team of likewise creditable players) facing against, well, Kobe Bryant and the long list of superstars from the USA team, this of course is bound to be a showdown.

And they did not disappoint. As I write this, it's halftime, and the first two quarters have been nothing short of exciting (despite China being down 14 points... well!). The game was quite appropriately opened by a three-point shot from Yao Ming -- but of course, were you expecting anything else? :) Anyway I am off to finish watching the game but no matter how this turns out, I would still go to bed quite pleased and entertained. :)

P.S. Yes I am secretly rooting for China, although that's a long shot since USA's performance is impeccable, and their dunks... make me speechless (and worried about the ring falling off!). I've lost track of how many times the commentator has used piaoliang! - which means beautiful - to refer to the USA teams' shots.

...And since it's such a hot game I am also secretly waiting for a brawl to break out. Hahaha. That's just the former PBA fan in me.

Limbo

2008-08-06T18:22:00.001+08:00

"For all I know you only see me as a friend... I try to tell myself, "Wake up
fool, this fairy tale's got to end."- Balisong by Rivermaya

I'd be lying to myself if I said that it doesn't make me happy, because it does. All those things that BC does which make me hope that he has actually turned into a better man (or that this 'better man' was in fact inside him all along) - they confuse me in that I'm on the fence between 'possibility' and just plain friendship. And for this reason, you are seeing yet another 'chronicle.'

I find his behavior quite weird since I came back from that trip home. Actually, a couple of days before leaving that week, he did something he's never done before: after having had dinner with me and some of my friends over at my apartment, he sent me an SMS thanking me for the 'nice evening' and wishing me an enjoyable time during my trip. Hmm.

Then the past weekend was also a question mark. I spent the better part of it with him - let's not go into details, but it did include a one-on-one talk that started from the evening and lasted till the wee hours of the next morning (oo, talk lang, wag ng magisip ng iba pa). And there are also those small things again... walking me home, offering to pay for lunch (and indeed ending up paying), asking me if I was melting under the Beijing summer heat and jokingly covering me with his jersey... it's weird because I know him as lazy, a cheapskate, often self-centered and not always very thoughtful or caring. All these things that I know him for totally refute those things he did during that weekend and that makes me wonder, did he take a pill or something? Or maybe the legendary Beijing pollution has gotten into his head?

Again I'd be lying if I said these things don't make me hopeful. And yes I cringe at the thought of 'hopefulness' because it is almost always coupled with disappointment. I know, I know. Tanga kung tanga. But what's a girl to do...?

Anyway, don't worry, I still chant my mantra everyday: Just friends, just friends... And if all these are signs that we're better friends now, then that at least makes me 68% happy. One part of me wishes that I can decode what he really thinks about me, but another part also knows I would be crushed if I knew for certain that there's no hope. So I guess what I'm saying is... I'm pretty much fine in this limbo of hopefulness, of not knowing, of straddling the fence between 'possibility' and just plain friendship. And the small things he does that make me happy* - those moments are just icing on the cake... and the highlights of my days. :)

===

* Oo na, sige na, di lang happy, kinikilig talaga ako minsan.

===

Afterthought: Ganito ba talaga pag Asian to Asian... mabagal?

Notes From the Field: T minus 4 Days before the Olympics

2008-08-04T07:40:00.002+08:00

It would be unforgivable for someone to be in Beijing and not give a commentary on the thing that is on everyone's mind and lips, and on every nook and cranny of this crazed city. What else but the 'O' word...

One can just imagine the feverish pace at which China attempted to prepare itself for the ultimate sporting event since it was first announced that Beijing will host the Olympics way back in 2001. It's all that people talk about around here, and that I noticed from the first day I set foot in this city. It seemed everything that is being done or is happening in Beijing was for the Olympics. To everyone it seemed like 08-08-08 was one giant shared deadline - that when that day comes, everything should be picture-perfect from the infrastructures to the weather to the traffic and yes even to the people, their manners (No spitting on the streets! No wearing white socks with black shoes! - I'm serious) and even their English proficiency.

Now it's down to T minus 4 days. Everyone seems to be more high strung than usual. There's something in the air - Beijing actually feels alive. Beijing used to be more like a calm emperor walking down an imperial path; now, imagine that emperor is waving his robes around and dancing like there's to tomorrow to Flo Rida's 'Low'. Kinda disconcerting, isn't it? But nevertheless enjoyable.

I must admit I didn't really prepare for the Olympics. I was content on watching the Opening Ceremonies in one of the 26 Government-sponsored live telecasts in parks around the city, not to mention the millions of bars that will be broadcasting the events as well. I never joined any of the ticket raffles but by some lucky twist of fate it looks like I will get to at least see some sports - Diving, Taekwondo and Boxing - the latter, only because the Philippines is represented! I'm not really a fan of people trying to incapacitate each other with their fists. The rest of the days I will probably hang around the Olympic Green, you know, just for fun and to pick at the tourists (spoken like a true local Beijinger!).

Personally, for a 24-year old Filipino girl like me who never even dreamt of working anywhere else but Makati (okay, maybe Ortigas too, haha) this experience is exceptionally overwhelming. I thank God and all my lucky stars that I am given an opportunity to take part in this, to breathe the air that some of the best athletes in the world will also be breathing for the next couple of weeks. This whole experience is 85% coincidence, that's why I still believe that someone up there is smiling down on me and wants me to be happy. :)

At this point, even if you are not so much into sports, even if you don't have a clue who the hell these athletes are and what the hell that sport is that they play, you cannot help but get caught in the countdown to 08-08-08. The whole wide world is watching - yes, their stares are almost palpable - and right now there's really no other place to be but in the Jing!

Ai in Beijing (Delayed post)

2008-07-29T18:56:00.000+08:00

On the last week of June I welcomed to Beijing one of my best friends from college, Aileen a.k.a. Dubai Girl a.k.a. the one with the gold bars. :) She had a business trip to Shanghai and swung by Beijing to ~~experience the real China~~ see her good friend Teng (haha that Shanghai diss right there was spoken like a true Beijinger!). Anyway after the airport incident things were pretty much okay. We of course we made the normal tourist rounds, and more. Ai met the (almost) famous Boy Chekwa - the first of my Pinoy friends to do so. Her reaction to him? I better leave that information for Ai to volunteer. ;)

Having Ai over was the best. We could not stop imagining how much more fun it would be to have all the lolas over. Super laugh trip -- from the first moment she landed, when I suggested that she wait for me at KFC in the airport. (Ai is allergic to chicken, hence hates KFC with a passion! Hahaha.) Of course we just ended up meeting at Starbucks. We also had that afternoon just watching old Bubble Gang episodes on YouTube, watching the "pa-cheeseburger ka naman" commercials (sorry naman out of touch kami ni Ai sa mga yun e! hehe) and of course the best ones were Roderick Paulate's jokes from 'That's My Doc.' (I-paunch kita sa fez mo e!)

The best thing about having a good friend with you is that everything just flows so naturally. I didn't have to explain anything to her; she knows my history, she knows my stories, she knows me. I didn't have to justify my statements or decisions, since she knows exactly why I've said or made them, and she knows where I'm coming from. And honestly, these are the things you really miss when you are far away from home. Add to that the fact that Ai has had the same experiences as me, living alone in a foreign land, and that makes it so much easier to relate to and understand each other.

I really hope Ai had a good time coz I sure did enjoy having her over! And I am sooo looking forward to that Dubai trip she promised me for next year. :) Love you lolers!

I sooo deserve a gold bar.

2008-06-26T06:53:00.000+08:00

Haha. Ai might kill me for posting this. BUT. I do! I do deserve a gold bar!

Ai a.k.a. Dubai Girl was supposed to arrive in Beijing from Shanghai at 11:20pm yesterday. I was coming from a special screening of Sex and the City so I left the place at 11, thinking I'll be at the airport just in time to pick Ai up. I got to the airport at 11:45, already expecting flights to be delayed, as is the norm here in China.

But I was not expecting to be waiting until... (drumroll please) 3:30am.

I think I was half-asleep when Ai finally managed to give me a call at around that time. I had been waiting for my phone to ring for 3 hours, and when it finally did, my heart fell when I saw that the area code was 021. Shanghai's area code. I knew what it meant. Somebody was still in Shanghai.

Hahahahahaha. I laugh about it now but last night (well, effectively, it was already this morning) was quite an ordeal, I must say. Sleeping at the airport is never fun. And I was still in my office clothes because I had to do overtime at work then I headed to the SATC screening directly afterwards. Add to that the fact that this morning I still had to drag myself to the office since I had only filed for half-day leave. Oh well.

And that is why... Ai, I deserve a gold bar! Gold bar, gold bar! Pa-gold bar ka naman! :)

Random Rants

2008-06-24T06:06:00.000+08:00

I used to post random thoughts on my blog when I am too lazy to organize the million things floating around in my head. But due to my cranky mood which has been going on for quite a while now, I figured "rants" was the more appropriate term.

1. Meron akong mga officemates na hayop sa lakas magsalita. Walang pagkakaiba ang lakas ng boses niya kahit pa nasa telepono, o kausap ang kaharap niya, o kausap yung sa ka-team niya na nasa kabilang side ng department namin, o kausap yung mga taga ibang planeta. Ano bang problema niya?

2. Pag sobrang ingay dito at gusto ko nang sumigaw sa pikon, ginagawa ko, nakikinig nalang sa iPod to block out all the noise. Oo NOISE talaga! No.1 hindi trabaho ang pinaguusapan 70% of the time. No.2 yung lengwahe nila, well, it's not the most melodic language. Pero ang masaklap dun kahit naka-todo na yung volume (and I almost risk shattering my eardrums) eh naririnig ko parin sila. Kakaiba diba!

3. May isa din akong officemate na akala ata niya beach etong floor namin. Kakaiba ang outfits. Katulad ngayon - ang suot eh normal na sleeveless, white skirt na flowy at mala-gladiator sandals. Huh??? Oo summer na, alam ko, pero sa loob ng office eh air-conditioned parin naman. Plus, hello, corporate office kami. Marami-rami ding pinakamatataas na leader ng organization namin ang nandito, sa floor namin mismo. Besides, Deputy General Manager na siya (mataas ang job grade yun). Naiinis ako kasi di ko ma-take na sa team namin mismo may mga taong unprofessional.

I know - live and let live. Pero bakit ba, blog ko to. Che.

4. Andaming trabaho, walang motivation.

5. Bakit kaya sa buhay, napakahirap gawin ng mga bagay na tama. In the same note, bakit kaya sa kumpanyang to, gustuhin mo mang gumawa ng tama, napakadaming pipigil sayo - the nature, structure, culture of the organization - something always gets in the way.

6. Malapit na kong mainis sa mga tao na nangungulit na sumabay sakin pagpunta sa gym. Haler. Pag nasa gym ka eh makikipagchismisan ka pa ba? Sakin kasi di talaga social activity ang pagpunta sa gym. Hingal na hingal ka na sa treadmill, poproblemahin mo pa ba ang small talk?

7. Vanity irritates me. To the highest level. Ayoko talaga sa mga taong high-maintenance. Palibhasa may pagka-cowboy ako. Pero ewan ko ba. Naiintindihan ko naman na kailangan mag-ayos. A healthy level of vanity is always needed, and in fact, appreciated. Pero pag OA na, uhm, parang hello ano ba. Di naman umikot na ang buhay mo sa pag-aayos sa sarili? Oh well. Like I always say. I don't like the things I don't understand.

8. Napag-usapan na namin to ni Jaybee dati. May pagka-balahura talaga sila. Walang finesse most of the time. No, not even finesse. Basic hygeine nalang. Is that too much to ask?

Well it seems hindi lang ako cranky, borderline racist pa ko. Joke lang. I'm tolerant most of the time. Wala lang talaga ako sa mood right now. I apologize na.

9. Kamote, kamote. Men are innately kamote. Period.

Ang dami ko palang rants. Hindi na healthy to.

Some people scare me

2008-06-12T07:49:00.000+08:00

When I was in college and we were asked to draft a write-up for the yearbook, there was one question that made me pause and think: What is your biggest realization in college?

Eventually, I had answered that it was this: that you cannot expect people to have the same values as you do. People are raised in different environments, go through different experiences, and that makes us all fundamentally different. And what may be logical, natural or ethical to you, may not be for the next person.

Fast forward to four years later. It's often said that politics is inevitable, specially in the work arena. I understand politics despite refusing to be party to it most of the time. However some people either take it to the next level or just do things that can no longer be justified by 'naturally-occurring politics' - it's just plain ~~stupid~~ rude and these are the ones whom I don't understand. Don't they think that people can see through them and their blatant lies? Are they not afraid of the truth coming out? Of being confronted by the people they back-stab?

We are not able to and should in fact not hold people against the same ethical standards that you hold for yourself - this much I accept. I just find it hard that some people find amusement in messing up other peoples' lives. Have people grown so conniving that it's too much to expect anyone to just live and let live?

Well. *sigh* Work woes. You gotta have them, right? Back then I used to think my university was a melting pot of all kinds of people - hence the realization. In the course of my work experience I have met quite a number of interesting characters as well, including those who fit in the category I have just described above. I really don't understand them. The things that we don't understand, more often than not, scare us. And these people do scare the shit out of me.

Itchy Feet, Itchy Feet

2008-04-04T10:18:00.000+08:00

It's a holiday in China tofay - Qing Ming a.k.a. Tom Sweeping day - don't ask me what it's for!

It has again taken me quite a while to go back and check Multiply. And as usual there are over 300 new posts. I was expecting it.

Anyway, it might take me a few posts to go over what has transpired since the last time I had an entry. But for now what I can say is... my feet are itchy!

I'm ready to explore a new place - not Manila. :) And not in the Philippines... Not yet, at least. Local tourism is in my 2009-2010 plans.

As for now... I need a cheap but exciting destination, and a travel partner. Aiiiyyyyaaa (in typical Beijinger fashion) -- those are actually two quite big hurdles. Hehe. I need to get out of China!

What to do, what to do...

Random Thought on Alicia Keys

2008-02-23T19:05:00.000+08:00

"So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again"

--- Like You'll Never See Me Again by Alicia Keys

I own very few ~~original~~ audio cd's (total of, uhm, six?) and they are only from two artists: Eraserheads and Alicia Keys. I love her to bits. I have been a fan since "Songs from A Minor" to "The Diary of Alicia Keys" to "Unplugged" and now to "As I Am".

But lately I have been feeling rather sour towards her. Maybe it was her anti-climactic Grammy opening with Frank Sinatra, or her over-singing of the supposedly quite simple "No One" further into the show. I just feel like all of a sudden she's lacking soul - that which made her such a commanding perfomer before. Now it just feels like... well, a performance. Maybe it went away with all those pounds that she lost?

Don't get me wrong, the songs on her latest CD still sound great (the song above, a perfect example) but I hope she gets her *oomph* back into her live performances. In the meantime, though, guess I'll just be content with "Like You'll Never See Me Again" on repeat...

Postsecret + A 'Teacher's Day' Special (Long and Senti Post)

2008-02-17T20:57:00.000+08:00

I can't remember when I first visited this site, but I know that it was because of Lucille.

Postsecret is one of those things that make an impact inversely proportional to its simplicity. The idea is so simple: write down a secret, send it in, Frank Warren (the founder) scans it then posts it on the site. Viewing the one-liners provides catharsis, either through a sense of vicariously revealing similar secrets or giving in to a twisted kind of voyeurism as you get to know about a hidden, usually juicy detail about a stranger's life.

Actually, Postsecret isn't the theme of this entry. There was one specific "secret" uploaded this week that got me thinking. If you are not able to view the secret, here's the text:

"A few years ago my husband celebrated his 25th year of teaching. After touching the lives of hundreds of students, not ONE rsvp'd to his surprise party. We had to cancel. He never knew it. He loves his job. I hate it."

That entry got me thinking about all the teachers I have had since my earliest memories of schooling. I had never been a bad student, but there was a time when I was just an average student. You know, just there and not quite noticed. Floating along, feeling invisible, and for the most part, being invisible. I feel like some teachers are wired to just notice the good students. And some, only notice the best. I believe there's a difference.

But the redeeming aspect of all this is, I have had teachers who I feel actually believed in me. Who appreciated me. Who perhaps saw potential, or drive, or discipline, or whatever -- they semed to see something in me and that alone drove me to prove to them that there is indeed something there. I feel indebted to them because they may not have realized it then, and in fact they may never know, but they encouraged me and challenged me to be the best student that I can be.

There's that teacher who pushed me to join MTAP¹ when I was in fourth grade in Seton² (refer to glossary below! haha). He caught me passing notes in class, too -- but he didn't take it against me and still went on and nominated me to be part of the team to represent the school. It was my first taste of inter-school competition, and my God was it scary, but I always refer to that year as the year when I "discovered" that I can be excellent if I put my mind and heart into something.

Fast forward to 6 years later, in 4th year high school (now representing St. Paul³) me and my teammates reached the regionals, the farthest that St. Paul has ever gone in the MTAP Competition, and I know somehow I still owe some of my triumph to my 4th grade Math teacher.

Then there was my 1st year HS English teacher. I was a transferee then and felt terribly shy and self-conscious. That was my "writer" phase when I first realized it is something that I enjoy and could potentially be something I'd do for the rest of my life. Freshmen were not allowed to join the school paper yet (what kind of rule was that?!) but anyway, having no options, I joined the English Literary club. I can still remember the assigned classroom where we would meet (2nd floor, next to the CR!).

And surprise surprise, I was the only freshman in the club, which automatically made me level representative (uh, duh, I represent myself). But despite my doubts about my talent (or the lack of it), she encouraged me, and she is one of those people who openly expressed her belief in me, and one whom I felt always treated me like an equal and not a lowly, naive student (which I probably was back then, hehe). She eventually became my ninang during my confirmation. And I went on and joined the school paper from 2nd to 4th year HS, becoming literary editor during my senior year and co-editing the Batch 2000 literary magazine⁴ -- which is, and always will be, one of my proudest accomplishments despite how ridiculously immature that litmag now looks in hindsight.

Speaking of the school paper, there's also the Paulinian Link⁵adviser who, despite her old age (no offense meant!) never forgets my home phone number. Every year, she still calls me to ask if I can conduct the Paulinian Link workshop that they hold every start of the school year for potential Linkers⁵. It still makes me feel mighty special, and if only I were in town, I'd still gladly do it for her.

Then there's my 4th year class adviser. I know that she fought for me a number of times to ensure that I would retain honor student status at the end of each quarter, and consequently be eligible for academic honors during graduation. It boggles me to this day why she did that, because we were never close, but I guess that's just how you find out who really are rooting for you even if you do not expect or ask them to.

I also remember my 4th year English teacher - me and my friend Lew Anne would always talk about how she was such a role model for us - elegant, eloquent, and just so effortlessly... commanding. You'd shut up when she walks into the room (at least we would, and for Lew Anne and me, that's a feat! hehe). And considering how we (secretly) thought of the other teachers, to be sincerely respectful is, well, something.

But aside from that, the thing that I remember most about her was how she appreciated me. I had trained the senior batch (I think it was batch 2002) for the BAPPSA choral recitation competition. On the morning of the competition, she pulled me aside and handed me an envelope. Inside was a card, expressing her gratitude for my time and effort in coaching, and, well, a sum of money. I distinctly remember feeling happy not because of the money but because it meant that I was actually worth being paid. And the fact that she gave that before the competition meant that whether we win or not, I was still appreciated.

Lastly, there's my thesis adviser. She's probably one of the hardest people to please in the whole of DAC⁶. In no way was she going to have a teacher's pet; she was too upright (and perhaps busy???) to play favorites. She treated everyone equally, and challenged everyone to always be at their best, and to submit their best work every single time. Not doing so was a sign of disrespect - I agree. She held her students with high regard and expectations, and that challenges you to meet them. She also seemed to believd in my thesis more than I ever did. And for all these things, I have nothing but respect for her.

Maybe some people will say that they're just doing their jobs as teachers, or that it was by chance that I felt encouraged or challenged by their actions. Whatever the reasons may be, the fact remains that they have touched my life and left an indelible mark, and I owe a certain part of myself to them. Looking at how I turned out to be, I'm quite happy where I am -- and if only for that, I think some thanks are in order.

They may never get to read this, but this post is for Sir Miguel, Ms. dela Fuente, Mrs. Soliman, Mrs. Haresco, Mrs. Guevar, and Ma'am Adeva -- I will most definitely RSVP to all your "surprise parties", in the hopes of someday being able to personally say the "thank you" which you all deserve!

* * * * *

Glossary!

1. MTAP - literally Mathematics Teachers Association of the Philippines, honing the mathematical skills of promising students through its Math Competition. Used to be a big deal back then, not sure now...

2. Seton - Elizabeth Seton School in Las Pinas, where I graduated grade school

3. St. Paul - St. Paul College of Paranaque (SPCP), where I graduated high school

4. Batch 2000 Literary Magazine (litmag) a.k.a. Humanae Vitae - a compilation of literary works from SPCP students published during my senior year

5. Paulinian Link - the school paper of SPCP, and a "Linker" would be a writer for the paper

6. DAC - Department of Arts and Communication, College of Arts and Sciences, University of the Philippines - Manila, where I got my Organizational Communication degree

NO FREAKING WAY

2008-02-14T16:51:00.000+08:00

Damn, I'm shutting my TV off.

(Hahahahaha... Affected much?)

30 Mins into the last Amazing Race Asia episode

2008-02-14T16:41:00.000+08:00

In the span of a week I was converted to an Amazing Race Asia fan.

Now it's down to the last leg and they are in freaking Singapore, tama ba yun?!

GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Always Something There Part 2

2008-02-08T19:21:00.000+08:00

Two months ago I had a post about always having "something there"... How we, or rather I (di ko na muna kayo idadamay, haha) am so insatiable.

From my list back then: iphone, macbook, macbook pro, samsung 40" lcd, condo unit -- I am still not able to cross anything out. And funnily enough, a couple of months down the line, some of the items have already changed. (On a related note -- kudos to Stella who I know is actually able to cross out at least one thing on her list! :) Makikitira nalang kami ni Mark sayo!)

I no longer want a macbook or a macbook pro -- I am now eyeing an iMac. The iPhone has also now been scrapped in favor of a DSLR. The TV and the condo unit remains. And sadly there is another item to add to the list: a master's degree.

Let's veer away from materialism for a while and think about this rather worthy cause. I read once that the money you invest in yourself is money well-spent. Unfortunately, getting a master's degree does seem to entail a considerable amount of spending.

I blame you, Stella, for instilling in me this newfound zest for higher education. When I graduated from college, followed by 2 years of "education" under the MISE program and then again followed by 4 months of rigorous language training here in China -- I thought I swore off studying completely. I told myself I will never never put myself again through the pressure of schooling. I am also an advocate of the "once-you-start-earning-you-won't-feel-like-going-back-to-school" paradigm. But lately it seems that, like my old wishlist, I might have to scrap some of these beliefs as well.

I guess we never really stop wanting; and the nature of this eternal "wanting" is not something that we should berate ourselves over. That thirst, I believe, is the same as a person's insatiable thirst for, say, knowledge and higher learning. There will always be something out there -- something to want, something new to discover, something to be learned, something to be experienced -- and for these exact reasons, we wake up every morning with something to look forward to.

Who would you team up with if you were to join the Amazing Race?

2008-02-08T13:54:00.000+08:00

I was planning on going out today to grab some fresh air and just walk around the city but after lunch I chanced upon the Amazing Race marathon on AXN and that pretty much kept me nailed to my couch. How fun would that be to race around the world?! I know it's probably tougher than it looks and arguing with your partner must be a b*tch, but wow, I mean what an experience it would be...

I was thinking, if I were to join the show, I would most probably take my sister. I know I always tease her to death for being maarte but I know she'd step up when the situation calls for it. Otherwise, I can always bully her into stepping up. Hahaha. Joke. But yeah, it would be a great adventure. Unfortunately, although they're now looking for contestants for Amazing Race Asia 3, my sister is waaay below the age limit.

What about you? Who would you team up with if you were to join the Amazing Race?

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

2008-02-06T23:57:00.000+08:00

Celebrations here in Beijing have reached fever pitch as we enter the new lunar year, the year of the Earth Rat. I know, I know it sounds sooo unglamorous, but hey, what can we do.

Gong Xi Fa Cai - Kung Hei Fat Choi - A prosperous new year to everyone!

- from your suking Chekwa :)

Satellite TV is a Godsend

2008-02-04T22:28:00.000+08:00

I've had a small satellite dish installed and it kind of makes me feel stupid because I should have done this a long time ago. I almost hugged my cable guy when I heard the first few strains of Filipino from the TV. It's very disconcerting to see all those Filipino shows and commercials inside my apartment, and hear only Chinese when I step out.

But I guess it really is the small things like those that drive away homesickness. I actually just look forward to going home and crashing in my couch, having a Subway sandwich for dinner and just happily flipping through the channels. I used to do that before as well -- but it really kinda gets old when you only have Discovery Channel, National Geographic, CNN and HBO to choose from...

Now I have all the channels which ironically also got me through another tough time in my life a.k.a. living in Cebu. ETC and 2nd Avenue and Travel & Living; MTV Pilipinas and AXN and Star World... and I finally get to introduce my Beijing friends to ABSCBN and GMA7 and Studio23. :)

When you're away, you hold on to every little thing that reminds you of home. My new satellite TV is one of those things that somehow make it a little bit easier to believe that (maybe) Beijing isn't really that far after all...

And you know what's weird...?

2008-01-22T00:34:00.000+08:00

Here in China, they ban blogspot but they don't ban blogger. Which basically means I can post blog entries but won't be able to view them in my webpage environment. Well, what the heck.

It has been a challenging week for me. Coming back from my Christmas + New Year vacation in the Philippines, I thought I was going to be ok for quite a long period of time. But work kicked in and I was doing overtime for a couple of hours for almost five days straight (including a Saturday spent in the office) so I guess that kind of took the steam off my happy momentum.

That stressful week was followed by sleepless nights when I would only fall asleep when I physically had to -- and not a minute before that. And that is usually around 2-3am, and then my sleep would be laden with dreams. Not necessarily disturbing, but then dreams still tend to tire you out. You don't feel like your mind has rested. I would wake up the next day half-dragging myself to work and feeling like a zombie -- and perhaps looking like one as well.

I have always been on the lookout for things that will "uplift" my quality of life here in Beijing. So I have bitten the bullet and taken the plunge -- I enrolled in a (wee bit expensive) photography class - something I have wanted to explore since... forever. Anyway. Point is, I'm trying to find a hobby, a distraction if you may, to fill those hours which I would otherwise spend pining about home and thinking sad thoughts.

I've also found a cable service provider that can provide me with all the (English) channels I want -- and also throw in some Pinoy channels! Apparently it's a (rip-off?) from Dream cable which is why I would get channels like ETC, 2nd Ave, Studio 23 and GMA. Thing is... well actually there are two things: first, I might move apartments (long story) and second, I might not have a job soon (even longer story). But in a few weeks' time I will have much more clarity on both matters, at which point I may be ready to purchase that cable service.

I do feel that things are picking up in Beijing, and when I think about the fact that I have only a little over a year left in this city, it almost makes me not want to leave. I have pegged so much on this expat, and I really am afraid that I might have spent too huge a chunk of my expat stint pining for home or actually going home (magic number for 2007 is... *drumroll* 6 times! Plus 4 visits from family and friends.) so perhaps now is the right time to "accelerate" the experience?

What can I say. Tomorrow's another day.

At Home in Beijing

2007-04-08T22:53:00.000+08:00

Last October, I posted pictures of my amazingly tiny and sparsely furnished "dorm" room in BLCU. Sometimes, at night, it still haunts me: the small hard bed, the noisy heater, the PA system right outside my window that blasts Beijing Opera performances at 6pm. I still remember all my da bao (take out) dinners, my first cold, gray winter in China, sunsets at 4pm, 6-hour school days. It really was a nightmare.
But I guess I had to go through all that to prepare myself for the dream that is my new apartment. Haha. For days after securing my contract for the unit, I could not talk about anything else but moving into my new home and leaving behind that difficult life in the university.
On January 29th, a Saturday and two days before my final exams in BLCU, I dragged the first of my (plentiful) suitcases into Beijing Fortune Plaza - my address for the next couple of years. After that were days of labor, cleaning, furniture/knick-knack shopping and about a few thousand dollars down the drain.

I feel lucky to have found a place I can comfortably call home in Beijing. I love my new apartment and it relieves my homesickness because it somehow gives me a sense of security, and considering that I am living alone, that's really something. Now I have a sanctuary in Beijing and it makes the prospect of my 2-year expatriation less scary and more exciting.

My before and after pictures are now in http://chwistine.multiply.com -- does it look like the Fab 5 came over? Well let me say it proudly: the transformation is from my own blood, sweat and tears. I have lived here for a couple of months now and have welcomed some guests including my family. It may no longer look as perfect as in these pictures (there's the occassional mess here and there), but I still love it just the same!

Pictures are in the "My Beijing Home" album. Let me know what you think!

A New Abode

2007-02-06T20:32:00.000+08:00

It has been a week since I dragged the first of my (plentiful) suitcases into Unit 36G Beijing Fortune Plaza, 3rd Ring Road, Beijing 1000020 P.R.C. Yes, my friends, this is my new address (though I recommend you ask me for the Chinese translation should you want to send postcards!) and will perhaps be so for the next couple of years.

So after many hours of labor, cleaning, furniture/knick-knack shopping and xx,xxxx.xx RMB poorer, I feel that I am "settled" -- evidence of which is today I cooked my first Pinoy meal in my apartment.

It was a simple dinner of pork steak (recipe of course courtesy of Mareng Jennet) and fool-proof rice thanks to my boss' rice cooker, but now I feel that this place is home to me. I love my new apartment and somehow it relieves some of my homesickness because it somehow gives me a sense of security. Now I have a sanctuary in Beijing and it makes the prospect of my 2-year expatriation less scary and more exciting.

I will post my before and after pictures (amazing transformation, you would have thought the fab 5 came over) pretty soon but for now I gotta enjoy my new place. I'm gonna kick back, relax and have some well-deserved Baskin Robbins Perils of Praline to celebrate the start of life in Beijing! :)

Of Forgetting People, Of Forgetting Me

2007-01-21T21:33:00.000+08:00

How long does it take for people to forget? How long does it take for people to stop yearning, stop missing and once again start moving on with their own lives -- and this time, with one person less?

No, this is not about forgetting past loves and heartaches and trying in vain to get over someone. This kind of forgetting I'm pondering about is the type which probably occurs even more commonly than the romance-related ones.

It has been over four months since I left Manila to work here in Beijing. And it is not a secret that I do feel strongly about being away from home. But today, a realization hit me and I was surprised that I never viewed things from perspective of forgetting before.

How long will it take for people to forget me?

I know I will not be gone forever, it's only three years! But how long will/did it take for people to almost not feel that I am gone? How long before they stop/stopped wishing I was with them? How long before they stop/stopped counting the hours, days, weeks since they last heard from me? How long before they get/got so used to not seeing me or not being with me, that they stop/stopped remembering that I am part/once part of their lives?

I realize it is selfish for me to ask people to remember me every second of the day. This is not only impossible, but also useless. I guess, all I am saying is that, perhaps for all of us who are away from home, there will always be a fear of being forgotten.

The fear of people forgetting your smile, your laugh, your words.
The fear of people forgetting how it was to be around you, be beside you, be with you.
The fear of people forgetting that you love them -- or worse -- that they love you.

And once you come back, how long will it take them to remember all these again...

...if they ever will?

***For Mariel -- who knows how it feels to be away from home and who probably has the same fears as I do. Chin up, Mariel, kaya natin 'to! I hope. :)

A Much-Needed Resuscitation

2007-01-20T23:12:00.000+08:00

There was a time when I could not access blogger from China, which is why I then switched to blogging in Multiply. Now, Multiply is not accessible from China, so I'm switching back to Blogger. With a new (albeit very simple) layout to boot.

This layout is also supposed to crossover to my new domain as well - www.novemberthree.com - but so far I have been unsuccessful at making it work. Add to that the fact the the my internet connection here in the university has not been fully restored since the Taiwan earthquake. So I am trying to be v-e-r-y-p-a-t-i-e-n-t with trying to solve all my blog issues including, but not limited to:

1. Accessing Multiply and moving all blog posts from the last few months to Blogger
2. Making sense out of how files are being organized in the domain
3. Knowing where blogger is saving everything in the domain
4. Just making the blog look organized, because I have already given up on trying to make it look "nice"

I just realized that it is so difficult to choose one venue to publish your thoughts. Blogging services are popping up left, right and center. Now, even networking sites like Friendster and Multiply - which should have been dedicated to networking - also offer blogging capabilites. And yet there is no way to cross-post an entry to all of these facilities. I know Multiply has an option for cross-posting but it almost never works.

Anyway enough blogging woes and onto the updates. One more week to go and we are done with the Mandarin training. I have been sooo looking forward to starting work again. Sounds weird but I really am tired of studying. Right after I graduated from college, I entered the MISE Program, 50% of which is theoretical training i.e. studying and homeworks and projects and exams. Three months after graduating from MISE, I again join a language course that entailed memorizing and previewing and reviewing and all that crap EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS. What am I doing to myself???

And so now I am swearing off studying for the good two years that I am here in Beijing. Pahinga naman muna diba?

Blogging From Home and New Year Thoughts

2006-12-30T19:31:00.000+08:00

It's so nice to be home.

Damn, no one can imagine how much I mean that. I don't have the words to describe it. :)

Yesterday,
after 3 months in Beijing, I boarded PR 389 at 1pm to fly home. Home
home home! Home meaning Philippines, Manila, Las Pinas, BF Resort, C.
Soriano St., our house, my room! Home meaning inihaw na liempo,
lemon-butter shrimp, halaan soup, toyo-calamansi, malata na kanin (my
favorite!) and bottomless iced tea. Home meaning the loving embrace of
Mama and Papa and Kuya and Tata. Home meaning... my eternally happy
place.

Three months into expatriation, I feel like a different
person. I have made mistakes. I gained new insights and went through
new experiences. I held on to love. I saw new places and things. I have
learned. I have been enriched.

Can you just imagine what the
next year holds for me??? :) It can only be better! -- not necessarily
easier, but definitely better! :)

I feel so blessed for having
so much in my life. I am 100% sure that God loves me. And this is what
gets me through even the toughest of times, and this is also the reason
why I am confident that life is a journey to enjoy -- whether you're up
or down, it doesn't really matter!

So here's a toast to the roller coaster that was 2006 and to looking forward to the next 365 days! :)

Dreaming in Mandarin

2006-10-14T23:15:00.000+08:00

If last week, I had a post everyday, then I back to ignoring my blog this week. It has been so hectic, these Mandarin classes, I don't think I've even had the time to catch my breath.

We've been breezing through the lessons at a frantic pace. Ok, given that this is an intensive course, I should have expected it. But still. Give me the liberty to whine. Hehe.

We finished 6 lessons, one lesson a day and usually with homework to boot and a quiz the next day. We've been having 6 hours of classes everyday from Sunday to Friday. Really. No other word for it. Nakakaloka.

By the way, I've been dreaming in Mandarin. Andrea, wo de tongxue (my classmate), said that this is one sign that we are becoming bilingual. Or in most of our cases, tri-lingual. Yes!

Sleepless

2006-10-07T09:36:00.000+08:00

Encoding a hand-written blog entry.

It's 6:55 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. I finally decided to just go out of my room and see what's outside.

It is noticeably cold. Cold for someone who came from a country where you couldn't step out of your door without breaking a sweat.

Oh yes it's cold. And the wind is blowing.

I realize that even China, with its billion people, falls quiet during the morning. It's weirdly unsettling, this silence.

I had thought about running again this morning, but I had run only a few hours ago. Eleven hours to be exact. Running again would be suicide for my sleepless body and restless mind.

I plug my iPod into my ears and hit shuffle. The first song: With A Smile. Maybe the world is telling me something.

I see some people doing Tai-chi.

My stomach grumbles. But I'm not in the mood for a breakfast of dumplings and mini-siopao (official name: baozi). No, thanks.

I've spent a lot of time in my room the past few days. Three out of five times, I had told the cleaning ladies to come back the next day (official statement: ming tian). They wanted to clean but I was in the room. They wanted to clean but I was in the way. Too bad.

Oddly, I don't feel sad. It's ok that I'm here. Not discounting the fact, of course, that it would be better if I were home. But yeah, I'm ok with not being home. Scratch that. It's more of... being ~~resigned to~~ reconciled with the situation.

That being said, isn't it just... sad? Sad and ironic? I believe that there really is no place like home. So how can anyone expect another to feel when they're not... you know... home?

I have no answers to that.

Classes will resume tomorrow. Yep, sunday. What a glorious day.

I should go to sleep.

It's 9:15am and I'm still up.

I don't think I've ever stayed up for more than 24 hours since my college days when all-nighters were normal.

I really should go to sleep.

And I will, after the cleaning ladies arrive. They're down the hall already. Hehehe...

And the Question Is... At Ang Tanong Ay...

2006-10-07T03:37:00.000+08:00

How do you follow a blog entry like that?

The reaction to my previous blog entry has been, well, unexpected and funny. Someone thought I was on drugs (hilarious, Stella!) and someone seems to be doubting my sanity as well (thanks for the concern, Lucy!) and the rest, pretty much just had a difficult time reading it.

Well, this is just to confirm that I am neither on drugs, nor am I depressed. My biggest problem right now is sleeplessness. Case in point: I'm still up at 3:38 am, posting this. I really can't figure out the cause of this... I'm thinking it's the bed, or its placement, or something to that effect. I can't wait to move out. (Yeah. In 5 months.)

Classes will be resuming on Sunday. So tomorrow I will be fully focused on reviewing the lessons. At least, that's the plan. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Anyway, it rained today. Nothing too special about that, it's just that it was my first rainfall here in China. At first I wasn't too sure if it was really faint thunder I was hearing, what with all the constructions going on I thought it was just some heavy machinery dropping something (hah!), but yeah, turns out it actually meant rain. It was just a light shower though, which stopped after about half an hour. After which, I proceeded to walking to the nearby McDonald's for some dinner. Some Friday night, huh? :)

I should go to sleep.

Mahirap Talaga Ang Walang Kausap

2006-10-05T15:04:00.000+08:00

Kakatapos ko lang basahin ang pinakahuling libro ni Bob Ong na pinamagatang Stainless Longganisa. Kanina lang habang binabasa ko yun, naisip ko na antagal ko na palang hindi nagsusulat sa Tagalog.

Bakit nga ba English ang gamit ko sa blog ko? At hindi lang sa blog, sa halos lahat nga isulat ko. Ewan. Sa totoo lang simula pa noon, komportable ako sa English. Siguro kasi yun yung paborito kong subject mula pa nung Grade 3 ako.

Kahit ngayon, habang tinatype ko 'to, parang automatic nagtatranslate ang utak ko. As in. Overdrive. Di talaga siya sanay. Wala lang.

* * *

Dati tinanong ng Linguistics professor ko, kapag nag-iisip ba tayo, may lengwahe? Nakalimutan ko na yung sagot dun. Meron nga ba? Kung wala, bakit pag nasa utak ko, "neutral" ang mga konsepto, bakit pagdating sa pag-eexpress, kailangan kong pumili ng lengwahe?

English? Filipino?

At ngayon... Mandarin?

Nakakaloka.

* * *

Yung unang kopya ko ng Stainless Longganisa, naiwan ko sa seat pocket ng Cebu Pacific mga isang buwan na ang nakalipas. Kasi gwapo talaga yung flight attendant nun. Siguro kaya ko naiwan. Hehe.

Pero bago ako tumulak ng China, sinigurado kong bumili ulit ng librong yun. Maganda kasi. Kinukwento ni Bob ang mga pinagdaanan niya bilang manunulat.

* * *

Madaming beses ko narin pinagdudahan ang pagiging "writer" ko. Noon, feel na feel ko yun. Nagsimula yang lahat nung grade 6 ako. First time namin magkaroon ng school organ nun at tuwang tuwa ako. Gustong gusto kong sumali. Naalala ko pa nga gumawa pa talaga ako ng article nun na gusto kong ipasa. Kaya lang pang high school lang ata yun nun.

Kaya sumali nalang ako sa "Young Writers Club." Hindi ko na maalala kung dahil ba yun sa kagustuhan kong magsulat o talagang wala na kong masalihan na club noon. Pero naaalala ko pa yung first meeting namin. Naglaro kami ng game na parang dugtong-dugtong ang kwento. One sentence per member. Nakalimutan ko na nga lang kung ano ang topic nun.

Tapos, lumipat ako nung high school. Dunsa nilipatan ko, established na ang school paper. Pero hindi pa pwede sumali ang mga freshmen. Kaya ayun, sablay nanaman. Sumali ako sa isang English club, hindi ko na maalala kun reading o writing club yun, pero ang naaalala ko kaisaisa akong freshman dun.

Kaya tinyaga ko nalang din ang pagsali sa mga essay-writing at poem-writing contests. Kahit anong topic, sinasalihan ko. History, Science, Christian Living, pati yata nung foundation day namin may ganung pa-contest at sinalihan ko rin. Kaya nang maging sophomore ako, talagang tahasan na akong nag-apply sa school paper. Ayun, awa ng Diyos ay nakapasok naman.

Tuloy-tuloy na yan hanggang naging kung ano anong editor narin ako pagsampa ko ng 4th year. Kaya siguro pakiramdam talaga ng mga tao e "writer" ako. At minsan, kahit ako napapaniwala na "writer" nga ako. Pero may mga pagkakataon din na nauunahan ako ng duda at pagkawala ng kompiyansa sa sarili.

* * *

Naging madali sa akin ang pagsusulat. Kunwari magpapagawa ng theme paper ang teacher, yakang yaka ko yun. Kahit tula, pag binibigyan kami ng topic, mabilis lang sa kin yun. At naging prueba naman na pwede na ang mga nasulat ko, ay ang grades na natatanggap ko. Hindi naman ako nagkaroon ng line of 7 nun sa mga naisulat ko.

Pero para sakin, ang pinakamalaking hamon ng pagsusulat ay yung kapag walang nagsasabi sayo kung tungkol saan ang isusulat mo. Kasi ang pagsusulat, para sakin, halong "skill" at "talent" -- skill, dahil naituturo at natututunan ito; talent, dahil may aspeto ang pagsusulat na bigay ng Diyos at hindi napag-aaralan. At sa "talent" pumapasok ang pag-iisip kung tungkol saan ba ang isusulat mo, kapag wala nang teacher o editor o propesor na nagbibigay sa iyo ng assigned topic.

Kaya minsan talaga, napag-iisip ako. Ang pagsusulat ko ba ay "skill" lamang na natutunan ko sa eskwelahan, o may halo ring "talent"? At kung may "talent" man... nasaan ang "talent" na yun ngayon?

* * *

Sa totoo lang, gusto kong makilala si Bob Ong. Hindi dahil celebrity na siya, o dahil naka-limang libro na siya, pero dahil interesante ang mga pananaw niya sa buhay. Salungat man ang iba nun sa mga sarili kong pananaw, hindi ba't yun ang mga bagay na masarap pag-usapan? Yung mga tipong, wala lang, wala kayong magawa, kaya ang pinagdiskitahan niyo nalang e intelligent conversation. O kaya kahit conversation lang, hindi na kailangang intelligent.

Kaya Bob, kung nasan ka man, kwentuhan naman tayo minsan.

(At kung may nagbabasa nito na kakilala ang totoong Bob Ong, ipakilala niyo din ako... Salamat.)

* * *

Ito ang bagay na pinaka-ayaw ko pag wala ako sa Pilipinas. Ang kawalan ng kausap.

Matagal ko nang napagtanto na mahirap talaga ang walang kausap. Nawawalan ng direksiyon ang pag-iisip mo. Nakakapurol din ito ng utak, dahil kulang ka na sa exercise. At higit sa lahat, nakakapanis ng laway.

Kaya delikado.

Learning Mandarin & Pics of My Current Abode

2006-10-05T01:26:00.000+08:00

I just finished reviewing my lessons. I didn't want my one-week holiday to be good for nothing. So I'm trying my best to polish my spoken Mandarin by going through the four lessons we have covered so far (the first two of which, I missed) -- and it is quite a challenge.

I have to stop thinking about this being so hard. Positive thinking. Positive vibes. Positive energy. I can do this! Aaaaarrrrggghhhh. This is me attempting to turn frustration into motivation.

At least, I now know how to count - y? èr s?n sì w? liù q? b? ji? shí. And I have practiced and practiced until I can perfectly say a tongue twister. Excuse my modesty but this is my biggest accomplishment thus far: Sì shì sì. Shí shì shí. Shísì shì shísì. Sìshí shì sìshí. Yay for me! Heheh.

Anyway, since quite a handful of people (members of my family mainly) are asking how I am and what I've been doing and where I've been staying, and also for the benefit of the not-so-curious (a.k.a. those who just stumbled upon this post) here are some shots of my current abode.

So there. Honestly, I can't wait for classes to end so I can move in to the company staff house (read: my own place!) once I start working again. But for now, this would have to do. After all, the main focus is learning Mandarin, not living a life of luxury. Oh but not to worry because the reward for it will soon come... ;)

Damn. I really really really can't wait!

Semi-Nega Post

2006-10-03T11:10:00.000+08:00

I'm trying to stay positive. Specially considering the fact that I am not home (read: Las Pinas, Philippines) and I cannot allow myself to be too sad at the risk of eventually giving up and wanting to leave. But of course I do have rants. So indulge me in one negative post and I promise to stay away from too many rants from now on!

1. My room here in BLCU is sooo small. Yes I have a balcony but it is of no use to me! I'd rather have more space.
2. The bed is sooo hard. It hurts my back.
3. There is a lack of surfaces to place stuff. Grrrr.
4. There are no hangers!!!
5. I cannot buy too much stuff for the place because I'm moving out right after the course, around 4 months from now. Sayang naman diba?
6. I hate Chikka kasi laging nadi-disconnect!!! But do i have a choice?! No!!! Because it's free! Haay. Can anybody help me solve that?

Okay enough of those! Sabi nga ni Stella, postive vibes... :)

On a happier note, I had a good lunch today.

Yummy wherever you have it.

Whenever I am in a foreign land, McDonalds always provides me some sort of security. Like, even if I don't speak the language, I will not die of hunger nor will I have to accidentally eat any exotic food -- because there's always McDonalds.

Come to think of it, maybe I do believe in that statement more than I care to admit! I have eaten in McDonalds in most, if not all of the cities I've been to! Copenhagen, Rome, Milan, Berlin, Hong Kong, Tokyo -- even Cagayan de Oro... Ah except for the Southeast Asian ones. Singapore, Bintan, Bohol and Bangkok (I remember I had KFC here instead, haha). That's an interesting albeit slightly scary thought.

But then again, I'm still glad that I have McDonalds as my security blanket when it comes to meals. It's never easy being in a foreign land, and anything that can make you feel comfortable or the least bit secure, you'll hang on to it.

So, how much do you think McDonalds will pay me for this shameless plug? :)

Day 1 of my Week-Long Holiday

2006-10-02T01:36:00.000+08:00

I have no classes from today until Saturday. It's the Chinese National Day Celebration and apparently it is a really big holiday which warrants a one-week vacation for everyone, which includes me.

Kind of makes you wonder why no one warned me that this was going to be the case. I could have stayed home a little longer and flew in after the holidays. But anyway. I'm here now so enough about that already.

Spent the whole day just inside my room. Woke up at around 11am with a text message from Papa saying that they are in Mama's office waiting for me to go online. Apparently there are already a few parts of Paranaque and Las Pinas where electricity has been restored, including Mama's office in San Dionisio. It was nice to chat with them for almost a couple of hours.

After that I grabbed some really late lunch. Yummy Chinese Takeout!

Xingang Rice, Lemon Chicken and Long Mushroom with Sesame Oil

When they say Corn Ice Cream...

They mean Corn Ice Cream. :)

That's basically the highlight of my day.

Wow, how much more boring can it get?

The First Pangs of Homesickness

2006-09-30T20:54:00.000+08:00

Allowing myself a few moments of sadness.

*click*

It's starting.

With an unlimited internet connection in my room, I have succumbed to the temptation of checking the fares from Beijing to Manila. Also tried some other combinations like Beijing - Hong Kong - Manila and Beijing - Singapore - Manila. All this, despite knowing that I won't probably be going home anytime soon. Perhaps the earliest date would be in February 2007, when the lessons in BLCU formally end. Yes, that means passing up going home for my birthday, Christmas and New Year.

I also think that the fact that I am online all the time can aggravate these feelings. Yahoo Messenger is on all the time which keeps you (unconsciously) waiting for the people you want to talk with. And it doesn't help that due to really bad weather, a big part of Metro Manila still does not have electricity - which means, very few people can go online - which means, I am stuck with waiting for a couple more days.

I'm trying to fight it. It's too early to give in to these feelings.

I'm trying to focus on the lessons. They're hard. Which makes it somewhat easier to not think of anything else but practicing and reading and reviewing and getting better with Mandarin.

Phew.

I just had to get it out of my system.

Before it eats me alive.

Okay. I'm switching to happy mode again.

*click*

The State of Moi

2006-09-29T20:24:00.000+08:00

Okay, first things first.

1) I did not get the Canada position.
2) I cried buckets of tears over it. I really felt like sh*t then.
3) Last Sept 9, I left Cebu to be reassigned to the Ortigas office.
4) Last Sept 19, Round 2 of the Expatriation process began.
5) On that day, I applied for the position of Deputy Manager for Internal Communication for Greater China Area (GCA) - a MISE Mandarin position which means it will entail 4.5 months of learning the Mandarin Language and a 3-year expatriation (as opposed to the normal 2 years).
6) On Sept 22, the hiring manager interviewed me in the morning and offered me the job in the afternoon.
7) I had my despedida last Sept 23.
8) I left for Beijing last Sept 28.
9) I am now in my room in the Conference Center of the Beijing Language and Culture University (BLCU).

Sorry. I wasn't in the mood to weave all of the above events into a cohesive paragraph. As a matter of fact I am still quite exhausted by the pace at which all of these events took place. To say that it was rushed is an understatement.

I arrived here only yesterday a little past lunchtime. I lugged 3 suitcases totalling to 74 kgs (I'm not joking and the excess baggage fee is no f'ing joke either) from BLCU's South Gate to the Conference Center - for some reason, my taxi didn't take me inside the campus, and believe me you'd have no patience to ask for an explanation.

Classes started today for me. My other 4 classmates (Andrea, Brendan, Joakim and Tine, all from my MISE batch) have already had 2 days' worth of classes which means I'm trying real hard to catch up with them. It is a very intensive class, like a juice concentrate of the Mandarin Language if you will. Imagine trying to cram 1 year's worth of language lessons in 4.5 months. At the end of the day, it can leave you exhausted. But I promised myself that I will try really hard to learn as much as I can. I want to make the most out of this opportunity. After all, many people have also attested that despite the short period of time learning the language in this course, students do get quite proficient afterwards. I'm crossing my fingers.

Ok, about the being alone thing again. It's not a secret that I really had a hard time in Cebu dealing with the fact that I was so far away from home. And if you think about it, I should be feeling the same way now, if not worse, right? Beijing is in a different country, the English and Chinese languages are so disparate, the people don't really look like me as much as the Cebuanos do. So even I surprised myself when I didn't feel depressed about leaving.

Not that I'm glad, of course I still feel a little sadness, but I'm also proud of the fact that maybe I have matured somehow, knowing that these things are just challenges that I can overcome, and feelings of homesickness will naturally come to pass. I have accepted that it's normal to cry sometimes but it shouldn't get in the way of living your days in an exciting new environment that you are yet to explore.

So here's to living in Beijing, speaking the han yu (Chinese language), and to chasing our dreams!

Waiting For The Phone To Ring

2006-08-26T00:39:00.000+08:00

I'm here by the computer with a lousy internet connection, killing time. I'm waiting for a fateful phone call from the Vice President of Maersk Canada.

It has been a couple of weeks since the application phase for expatriation of the MISE 2004 batch ended. With 221 choices from countries all over the world, ranging from the wealthiest to the poorest, from the warmest to the coldest, from the most exotic to the most seemingly mundane, I picked out three positions and applied for it.

The three positions are as follows:
1. Communications and Corporate Affairs Manager, A.P. Moller - Maersk, Toronto, Canada
2. Assistant Manager for Marketing and PR, Safmarine, Dubai, U.A.E.
3. Global Process Excellence - Process Control, A.P. Moller - Maersk, Copenhagen, Denmark

And I have set my heart on the Toronto position.

Form the moment that Stella called me one early Sunday morning and declared, "This position is for you!" I knew it. I know deep down in my heart, I am meant to be there. I am meant to have that job.

A week ago I received an email from Maersk Canada HR, asking me to:
1. Submit 2 documents that I have written recently, in Word format
2. Submit 1 Powerpoint presentation that I have created recently
3. Set a date and time for an interview

Having accomplished the first two (the entry below "More Than Just a Training Program" was actually one of the pieces I submitted, which I believe is my winning piece), I now sit here waiting for the phone to ring. I have been waiting since 9pm (since the time zones are completely opposite, I have to stay up). Butterflies are fluttering in my stomach and I am a bit nervous.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am going to get this position. It's for me. I believe so.

Now all I have to do is win them over, impress them and convince them that I am indeed the best person for this job.

I'm all jittery.

This is my career in line.

My life on the line.

Wish me luck and send a little prayer for me!

* * * * * * * *

I just finished the interview. And you know what? I think I nailed it! Well... I hope I did. :) That position is sooo mine!

I'll have to wait till September to find out. :) I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Guilty Pleasure

2006-08-18T11:59:00.000+08:00

I was telling Tata that I love surveys, but I don't like posting them on bulletins coz other people should not be bombarded with my self-centered guilty pleasure. Haha. So I'm posting it here, in my very own nook on the wide wide web, where anybody who doesn't want to read my survey answers can just get the hell out of here.

Haha. Angst, anyone?! Haynako, survey na nga! :)

[A is for age]
-- 22 years and 9 months

[B is for beer of choice]
-- San Miguel Super Dry

[C is for career]
-- Communicologist. Astig! Hehe.

[D is for your dog's name]
-- Buster and Dash

[E is for essential item you use everyday]
-- Cellphone, Shampoo and Conditioner.

[F is for favorite song at the moment]
-- Paano - Originally by APO Hiking Society

[G is for favorite games]
-- Dynomite and Planarity! (madami ako niyan, wala kasi akong ginagawa sa office. Hehe joke lang Sir Jude.)

[H is for hometown]
-- Las Pinas

[I is for instruments you play]
-- Triangle, and damn good at it!!! hahaha

[J is for favorite juice]
-- Does iced tea count? If not, Watermelon Juice (serious, meron niyan sa HK)

[K is for kids]
-- Wala, isip bata lang.

[L is for last hug]
-- Mama

[M is for malls]
-- BTC (as in Banilad Town Center in Banilad, Cebu) Hahah. Pero dito sa Manila, ATC of course, Megamall, Southmall, Mall of Asia... (Siyet dapat bayaran na ko ni Henry Sy.)

[N is for name of your crush]
-- Crush? I'm 22 for goodness sake, di na uso ang crush sakin noh!!!

[O is for overnight hospital stays]
-- None. Ever! Yay. I hate hospitals.

[P is for phobias]
-- Failure.

[Q is for quote]
-- Passion can make you crazy but is there any other way to live?

[R is for biggest regret]
-- Not learning karate when I was a kid. I could be kicking butt now. (I still kick butt, not in that way though. *evil laugh*)

[S is for status:]
-- It's complicated. Naks parang Friendster! Haha. Seriously. Next question.

[T is for time you wake up]
-- Depends on the day of the week.

[U is for underwear]
-- Comfy herbench undies

[V is for vegetable you love]
-- Young Corn (does that count?). Shitake Mushrooms. Lettuce but not too much. Tomatoes.

[W is for worst habit]
-- Being impulsive

[X is for x-rays you've had]
-- None since I was in college

[Y is for yummy food you make]
-- World's Best Spaghetti! (yabang), Torta, Sinigang, Adobo and Pork Steak (try me!)

[Z is for zodiac sign]
-- Proud Scorpio

More Than Just A Training Program

2006-08-18T01:08:00.000+08:00

Most Filipino graduates share one dream: that at the end of 17 long years of schooling, the perfect job in the perfect company will be there, waiting to be seized. In 2004, I was one of those hopeful dreamers. Armed only with my optimism and a fresh college degree, I scoured job fairs, newspapers, internet job portals, and virtually every avenue available to me to find and land that perfect position.

In March of 2004, I was hired by a multinational company as a management trainee. I was fresh out of college, and all I had with me was my idealism and the relentless passion to make my dreams come true. At that time, “Management Trainee” was the buzz word of the corporate world and could mean a multitude of different duties for different companies. It ranged from selling insurance policies and taking down the minutes of a meeting, to heading a creative team to plan a product launch and attending classes during the weekends.

Two years later, I find myself reflecting on the path that I have chosen. Being a MISE trainee has educated me far beyond the theoretical and practical training that was promised to be part of the program. What started out as a serendipitous opportunity that I took as an idealistic college graduate has turned into a journey towards higher learning and self-discovery.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be thrust into the world of almost 300 individuals from over seventy nationalities. I met trainees of every language, color, race and faith. During the times when we converge at common areas for meals, classes or activities, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed at the wealth of cultures that has been placed before me.

Certainly, it was the chance of a lifetime to be able to immerse myself and discover the uniqueness of different cultures as embodied by each of my co-trainees. This experience has underscored the importance of appreciating similarities and respecting differences. It has taught me what it means to be a citizen of the world. It has taught me how to enjoy being in the company of such a large, diverse group. But above all, it has taught me that ultimately, one’s language, color, race or faith is immaterial. The most binding cause that any two people can ever find is humanity – the fact that despite everything, we are all people, people who hurt, love, fail, laugh, cry and dream. This is the reason why I am not surprised that I found a friend in each of those 300 individuals. And not only this, I also know that because of this learning, I will be able to find a friend in the all the persons that I will meet in the future.

Indeed, during the past two years, I have been able to build a network of friendships across the globe and have had fun with them both during and outside the modules. But at the end of the day, we still remember that we are trainees and that the program should be taken seriously.

In no way is the MISE program easy. It is tough, and consequently, it teaches one to be tough. There are requirements to be met, grades to be maintained, attitudes to be honed and improved, values to be learned by heart. There is the constant pressure of living up to expectations – not only of others, but more importantly, of yourself.

Personally, this experience has pushed me to my limits and has taught me to always strive for something even better than excellence. I cannot say that I went through all these unscathed. In fact, I do bear the scars of failure, disappointment and frustration, but I bear them proudly because at the end of the day, the most important thing is that I survived. The program has shown me that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and that nothing is truly impossible if only I try. The only limits I have are those that I have set for myself... and now, there are none.

Someone once told me, “No one said it would be easy; they only said it would be worth it.” My days as a trainee have ended; now, I face the world as a graduate. It is not the title that I am proud of; I believe that being a MISE graduate is not enough to show the world that you are something special, nor is it a reason to feel superior to others. The only thing I am proud of is the wisdom that I have gained, and the fact that I have gotten to know myself and my abilities a bit better through this experience. That is what made the program worth it.

As I sit here reflecting on the two years that have passed, I feel a sense of closure. I will always look back fondly on the memories of the past two years, of the laughter and tears, of failures and successes, of learning things the hard way. But now, I am ready to live my future and seize my dreams, knowing fully that expatriation is my next great adventure.

What I Love About Cebu

2006-08-10T18:39:00.000+08:00

Last January 8, 2006, a cloudy Sunday night, I took a fateful one-hour flight from Manila to Cebu. Fateful, because it marked the start of my “rotation” to our company’s Cebu branch. I was going to be living away from home for the first time in my 22 years of life. And for me, that thought was unnerving beyond comprehension.

Ok, I will be honest. I felt like an OFW. The 300 miles between Manila and Cebu felt like 300,000 miles. The tears would not stop flowing – from the time I was seated at the gate waiting for the boarding call, until I was on the plane and fastening my seatbelt, from the time I was by the luggage conveyor belt, until I was on the taxi to the hotel, and up until I was on my hotel bed that night. I was crying my eyes out.

Now, eight months hence, believe me, I still cry. I still get homesick and there are no words to describe how intense the feeling is. But I am pulling through... day by day... I survive.

I had programmed my mind that I would be back in Manila by August. Every inch of me is craving to be back home. It’s not that I haven’t been back since January. Quite the opposite, I actually travel back and forth to Manila as if Cebu was just Tagaytay or Bulacan (Oh yes this is a popular comment from friends). But there really is something different about being home. Really home.

Anyway, I just received news that I might be here until October. Don’t even ask me how that made me feel. It deserves an entirely separate entry.

And so to comfort myself and to try to nurture some kind of acceptance, I have decided to come up with a list of the things that I love about Cebu. Here goes… I hope it works.

1. No Traffic. Or let me just put it this way: traffic is way better than Manila. I don’t really know why because Cebu does have quite a number of uncouth drivers (think worse-than-Faura/P.Gil-jeepney-drivers) but you can get yourself around while encountering very minimal traffic. This also means I can get up later than usual – 8am to be exact – and still get my ass in the office for the 8:30am call time. All this compared to Manila living when I have to wake up at 6:30am because I have to allocate at least 1-1.5 hours of travel time from Las Pinas to Makati or Ortigas.

2. I get free gas. And I use the company car. With gas prices hitting the high Php40’s, this is definitely an advantage. The only problem is I don’t really have a lot of places to go (since everything seems so near here, plus all my barkadas are in Manila) so my full tank actually lasts for a month. Sometimes I take road trips just so my gas can register a few lines lower in the gauge. But, heck, I’m not complaining. Anything that’s free, bring it on!

3. Food = Cheap + Good. Very, very bad for the diet though. But diets are no match for the many places that serve delicious food at rock-bottom prices. There’s the Tong’s Eat-All-You-Can meal at Php 149.50, the yummy barbecue ribs at Casa Verde for only Php 120.00, the to-die-for Kinamatisang Kawali at Dessert Factory for Php 150.00, the Cream Cheese and Garlic Burger at the Burger Joint for Php 65.00 – I can go on and on. One thing’s for sure, even if you’re on a tight budget, you’ll never go hungry in Cebu.

4. CnT Lechon and Carcar Chicharon are sinfully amazing. And so amazing are these two, that they deserve a separate category. I am a CnT Lechon loyalist. I cannot remember how many people I have brought to their branch in North Reclamation (in front of SM Cebu), but I brought in every single person I know from Manila who came to Cebu. If back in Manila my picker-upper was a Starbucks Rhumba Frap, in Cebu, it would definitely be a 1/4 kilo serving of CnT Lechon with their signature dip – soy sauce and vinegar. Makes my mouth water just thinking about it. As for the Carcar Chicharon (by the way Carcar is the name of the place where this yummy chicharon is made) – it will give Chicharritos and Lapid’s a run for their money. Ahhhhh. So many good things are bad for the body – this you will realize over and over again in Cebu!

5. My culinary skills have evolved. Whereas back then, my cooking involved only simple frying and some minor boiling, I now know how to cook a mean Adobo, Pork Steak, Torta and Sinigang. I have also perfected my Spaghetti recipe and learned some new garnishes like this shredded radish thing and kamatis with bagoong. And most important of all, I am now more successful in my rice cooking attempts, sans the rice cooker!

6. The work environment is really good. Don’t get me wrong, the workload is still there; if anything, the workload has actually increased. The responsibilities have gotten bigger in scope and I also have to render overtime on some occasions. But the environment here in the branch is much more laid-back and relaxed. Partly also because life here in Cebu is still relatively more unhurried and leisurely, despite the fact that it is as metropolitan as any city can get. And add to that the fact that I have the best manager in the world. :)

7. Having so much freedom has made me grow as a person. Like I said, it’s my first time to live outside of the house where I grew up. Meaning: no parents, no curfew, no nothing, just do whatever you want! It’s so easy to go overboard and just throw your life away, you know, just live like a careless 22-year-old. But instead, this experience has taught me discipline. Freedom really is such a privilege and it must be used well. I have had a lot of fun times in Cebu, but I can also proudly say that I have chosen to uphold my principles and keep myself in check most of the time, despite this being very difficult to do when you’re alone and without supervision. I truly believe that discipline is best exemplified when you choose to do the right things while knowing fully well that nobody’s looking.

8. I’m living life by my rules! I still control myself but this doesn’t mean that I never have fun. No curfew – let’s talk more about that! Honestly, my dad says he prefers that I’m in Cebu and he doesn’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going, than me being in Manila and him worrying every other minute. And really, it works for me just as well! It only means I can get a coffee fix anytime I want to (like, say at 11pm in the evening), or go out on Sundays and watch a movie with a friend (which is impossible when I’m Manila because Sunday is a family day). I can go out on weeknights and I have way looonger Friday nights, if you know what I mean. I can also stay in bed on weekends as long as I want (without having to be guilty that everyone else is up and doing some kind of chore) and have TV marathons till my eyes hurt. I have a choice whether to have dinner or not (which is not allowed in our household – you gotta be present at the dinner table whether or not you’re eating – family tradition, you know). In other words, I make all the calls for myself and take responsibility for each decision and action. And you know what? It feels so damn good!

I once read in an Arlene Chai book that migrants are never complete, that they will forever be broken people. In every place you go to, you have to build a “home” – it is a place that signifies security, comfort, peace. Eight months have passed and building a home in Cebu has been inevitable, despite my constant longing to be back in Manila and Las Pinas.

What I’m driving at is, I have realized that though in a few months’ time I will be moving back to Manila, it will not be too easy to leave Cebu. In retrospect, it has been quite an experience to be here. I learned many things in such a short span of time. I feel wiser and more mature, and in fact, more prepared to face new challenges that I know will come my way real soon. In reality, I did find a lot of things to love in this place.

*sigh*

And I thought I won’t be able to come up with anything for this entry.

I'm Just Crazy/Needy Like That

2006-07-30T17:20:00.000+08:00

I guess I am needy. You know. I always need to be assured that I am loved and cared for. Not only am I needy, I’m also paranoid. The moment something changes – the way a person treats me, or when they forget to text me, or when their messages start to contain an extra punctuation or two (i.e. sorry!!!!, tampo????, saan????, etc) – I immediately freak out. I don’t know, I’m just crazy like that, I guess.

Often I am told that I put too much meaning on everything. Sometimes I do wonder if they’re right.

Honestly, many times I wish I would be more apathetic, and not so obsessive about things. I wish I could learn the art of detachment, of controlling how I am affected by my emotions or by the circumstances around me.

But like I said, maybe I am just crazy like that. I was born that way, raised that way, whatever. I’m just... that... that’s all.

I need sweet nothings.
I need those random text messages.
I need to cry sometimes.
I need a little irrationality.
I need good conversations.
I need some vices.
I need the occasional alcohol fix.
I need to know you are thinking of me.
I need to feel I am missed.

These are my needs. And there are times, those occasional moments when I just have to – HAVE TO – give in to these needs. So, please, on these times... indulge me. Do so, knowing that it will give me the utmost happiness – and that you caused it...

Pinoy Anger Management 101

2006-07-15T10:08:00.000+08:00

Are Filipinos predisposed to anger? Okay, maybe not anger. Irritation, perhaps. Or annoyance. Do we have the tendency to assume that every other thing around us is a potential pain in the ass?

An incident that happened this morning got me thinking about this. I was waiting for the boarding call of my 9:30 am flight from Cebu to Manila. Ten minutes after my flight should have been boarding, the first announcement explaining the boarding procedures came onto the PA system. Shortly after, they started boarding those who require special assistance – those in wheelchairs, with infants and small children. A short queue started to form by the entrance doors of the gate, with me perhaps second or third in line.

Now you must note that I usually let all other passengers board first (which is usually why I request for an aisle seat, to save the hassle of butt-on-knees incidents when your seatmates simply won’t budge, if you know what I mean). However upon check in, the counter guy said that I would be sitting on the second to the last row, on a window seat. Which is why I was such in a rush to board.

So going back to my story. The staff by the door told us that we were not yet boarding. Fine, I thought. I can wait. And then this PAL supervisor comes in and says, “Will you sit down? We’re not boarding yet.” In no way was it a courteous or polite request, rather, an order coupled with a smirk and an air of self-importance that you can’t miss.

And so, I said loudly, “What’s wrong with forming a line?” It’s just too early in the morning for someone to bitch around like that, and I didn’t want to have any of it.

Well eventually the PAL staff repeatedly told us to sit down, and I gave in after a few minutes when clearly they weren’t going to stop bothering us about it.

Why is it so difficult for many of us to just smile and let things slide? You know, chill a little.

Chill a little. Yeah. I should take my own advice, hence end this entry, lest I build more irritation.

Good morning, Teng!

Neil Gaiman on Love

2006-06-22T13:19:00.000+08:00

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

Neil Gaiman

Waiting for PR853

2006-06-13T07:58:00.000+08:00

I’m here at the airport. Flying back to Cebu today. I’m so freakin’ sleepy. I thought my flight was at 7:30am so I woke up at 5:30am this morning, only to check my ticket and find out that I was on the 9:30 flight. My dad was bringing me to the airport and I was too ashamed to admit that I had gotten my flight wrong so I told him it was 8:30am instead. So I’ve been here since 7:00am. Stupid me. Note to self: For all future flights, check your ticket the night before.

I’ve got this really bad case of cough. I rarely get sick that’s why I hate this painful, scratchy throat. Plus, it’s so inconvenient. I hope I get rid of it. Soon.

Last June 3rd, I graduated from my 2-year MISE Program. Many people, myself included, have now shifted to a new rhetorical question: What now?

Technically, I should be expatriated sometime between August 2006 and early 2007. Available jobs for my MISE batch will only be available starting the 1st of August, therefore I would not know where I’m going or what my position is going to be before this date.

Sometimes it saddens me when I think about how, in the past two years, I’ve rarely stayed put in one place, due to the nature of my employment. My life has become so mobile that I feel like I am always on the run, always on the way to somewhere else, and it tires me at times. But when I complain about it, people always say that’s the price I pay for everything that I’m enjoying now.

Favorite line that comes to mind: They never said it would be easy; they only said it will be worth it.

Changi Airport

2006-05-19T23:00:00.000+08:00

Blogging from the free internet service here at the Changi Airport in Singapore. Fyi friends I will be on my fourth module from 20-May till 4-June.

See you all when I get back! :)

P.S. I'm graduating from the program this June 2nd. Finally!!!

Manila Manila... I'm HOME.

2006-03-05T18:49:00.000+08:00

Manila, I keep coming back to Manila
Simply no place like Manila
Manila I'm coming home...

Take me back in your arms Manila
and promise me you'll never let go
Promise me you'll never let go...

This seems to be my banner song for 2006. Seriously, since I was transferred to Cebu last January 8, I have only spent one weekend there -- I distinctly remember, February 11 and 12. All the other weekends, I have spent somewhere else, most of them in -- yup, you guessed it -- Manila.

I don't know why until now, I still feel like a stranger to Cebu. Yes, I go to Maersk's Cebu office everyday and sleep in my rented place every night, but I still feel... displaced.

I came back to Manila from that heck of a vessel tour on a Sunday. Was not feeling well that Monday. Worked overtime on Tuesday and Wednesday. Came home early on Thursday to run some errands, but ended up with some personal issues that forced me to cry my eyes out for the rest of the night and neglect my planned errands.

Then Friday came. On a whim my dad told me to book a flight that night and come home. HOME. Lately that word has meant so much to me.

So this weekend I flew to Manila on personal expense to spend some time with my family. A number of titos and titas were coming over for the occassional family-salo-salo-slash-pseudo-reunion. This was the reason my dad gave me to convince my mom that the airfare was worth it. Eventually, what happened was a 50-50 deal. So I'm out 3,000 pesos now, thank you very much.

But if you ask me? It's damn worth it! I miss Manila... my car... my sister... my parents... my brother, heck, even his girlfriend! I miss my Tita Bing and Miggy and Luis and Mommy... I miss the Lolas... I miss my Ortigas friends and I miss Ortigas itself, the home of so many happy memories... I miss Megamall, I miss the chipipay Value Point at our village entrance... I miss home-cooked food... I miss my room, my sanctuary... I miss HOME.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but once I was throwing some haphazard thoughts to my friend Josette over a cup of Rhumba Frap at Starbucks Ayala Center Cebu. I told her, I still cannot call Cebu "home." She, having stayed in Cebu for almost a year now and not an original Manilena (I believe she's from Bicol), candidly asked, "But home is where the heart is, diba?"

I nodded, paused for a moment, and replied with a straight face:

"Yeah, and my heart is in Manila."

Thoughts Along Japanese Waters

2006-02-28T15:02:00.000+08:00

At the prodding of my digicam sponsor, Lucy, here I am making a blog entry. I know it’s been long since I last posted anything here. So get ready. This might be long.

Oops, scratch that. This WILL be long. :)

I’ve said this many times before. Every time I start ‘re-blogging’ there always seems to be so much to say. So much going on in my mind. So just let me start out with the latest stuff and proceed from there...

Right now I am here on board the vessel Majestic Maersk, using my friend Mark’s laptop to compose this blog entry. It is 10:42pm Japan time and we are sailing towards Shanghai and expecting to arrive at that port on Sunday. So what has been up with me and why, of all places, am I here?

Let me first start out with saying that I currently work in Maersk’s office in Mandaue City, Cebu. Yes, now I live on my own in a rented apartment (more like a room, actually) in an area called Mabolo which is within 5 minutes of Ayala Center Cebu, SM City Cebu and the famous CnT Lechon. This is my fourth and last rotation. I will be going to my last module in Copenhagen in May and will (hopefully) graduate from the MISE program by then. And yes, to answer that question in your mind, I will be expatriated afterwards, which can happen anytime between mid-2006 or early 2007.

So back to the Cebu thing. I flew to Cebu on January 8th and moved in to my place around a week after that. It was Sinulog weekend then, which is, I think, also one of the reasons why my brother volunteered to fly in and help me move my stuff. Hehe. But anyway, since then there have been quite a few challenges with this really new chapter of my life.

There is the issue, of course, of being on my own for the first time. I thought I would enjoy it, the freedom, the independence. I thought I would enjoy being alone with no parents and no curfew – with a company car that’s constantly filled to the brim with the gas that can bring you anywhere you want to. Well, to a certain extent, this is true. It is enjoyable, but only until the time when the reality of being alone kicks in. I am not ashamed to say that a number of times I really cried inconsolably. I miss home, I miss my family, I miss Manila, I miss my friends – sometimes it really will drive you crazy thinking about all the many things that you are missing.

But everyday I do make the choice of bringing myself to the office and drowning myself in work. And trust me, there’s more than enough to drown myself into. Haha. Let’s just say that Cebu is quite short-handed at the moment and there’s a lot of work to go around… And yes at times I have broken down from the work, feeling completely burned out, but really I’m glad that I can still pull through it… At the end of the day, work is work, that’s that, no amount of complaining can really make it go away.

It has been a little over a month since I moved to Cebu. And trust me, what a rough month it has been. There has also been that issue of quitting and leaving Maersk, but that of course is nothing new. Hehe. Actually my plan is to just take one day at a time and making the most out of the experience by doing just that; I know soon this will be over and I will be moving on to the next chapter of my life and my career.

So, still in line with the MISE program, I take this vessel tour. Last Wednesday I flew into Tokyo with Mark. That, may I say, was one of the most unforgettable flights of my life. “Why?” you wonder. Well, by some stroke of luck, I was on business class! :) Until now I’m not really sure what happened, whether it was a wrong booking made by Jaq (she’s my officemate who arranges our plane tickets when we go to international destinations) or if I was just bumped up by Northwest Airlines (it was my first time to use that airline) but nevertheless, it was my first time on business class! The ride took only less than four hours, though. How I wish it was one of our long-haul flights to Copenhagen! Now would I love to spend those 13 grueling hours on business class… *sigh*

At around 1pm we arrive at Narita Airport and made our way to our hotel called the Shinagawa Prince. That night our MISE batch mates took us out for dinner at this really cool place in Shibuya, which by the way is what they call the Times Square of Japan (and rightfully so; the neon lights and giant lcd screens were amazing). The food was G-R-E-A-T. Mark of course was a big fan of Japanese food, and by the end of that night, I too became a convert.

The next day we feasted on yakitori (yum!) and tempura (double yum!) for breakfast. It seemed to me that we spent too short a time in Tokyo because by lunchtime we were already making our way to Yokohama to board the vessel. By 4pm we were sailing out of the port and we said goodbye to our brief but memorable Japan experience.

(Fast forward to 21 February) Now it’s been roughly a week and soon we will be disembarking in Hong Kong and bidding goodbye to this vessel. Bittersweet, yes, but boy am I excited to be back on land! Don’t get me wrong; we did have a great time here. We saw our theoretical knowledge in action and we got the chance to go to places on board the vessel which I never imagined I’d ever get to see (The cargo holds! The bridge! On top of a hatch cover! Inside a lifeboat! That place where Leo diCaprio shouted “I’m the king of the wooorld!") – yep, we were there! But after a week on board, sailing the high seas and calling some major Asian ports, I would really like to go back to the comforts of being on land. Not to mention leaving the ship’s constant vibration and motion as it moves with the waves.

And so let me leave you with these thoughts… surely by the time I post this blog entry I will already be on land and perhaps by then I can look back on this vessel tour with some more insight. Right now… I just really want to get back home. :)

Realizations from Cebu

2005-12-05T20:31:00.000+08:00

It's just an hour's plane ride away. My morning office trip from Las Pinas to Ortigas is often far longer that that. But Cebu... Cebu... Cebu is not Manila. And it can make you think about a lot of things.

Over a lunch of the yummiest lechon I've tasted so far, Stella and I remembered the line "Dance like no one's watching." so we immediately googled this phrase and came upon this text.

*sigh*

That's all for now...

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.

Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are.

After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.

If not now... when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza:

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time ... and remember that time waits for no one ...

So stop waiting until you finish school...
until you go back to school...
until you lose ten pounds...
until you gain ten pounds...
until you have kids...
until your kids leave the house...
until you start work...
until you retire...
until you get married...
until you get divorced...
until Friday night...
until Sunday morning...
until you get a new car or home...
until your car or home is paid off...
until spring, until summer...
until fall...
until winter...
until you are off welfare...
until the first or fifteenth...
until your song comes on...
until you've had a drink...
until you've sobered up...
until you die...
until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy ...

Happiness is a journey ... not a destination.

Thought for the day:

"Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching."

Straight From Karlslunde, Part 3

2005-10-29T01:02:00.000+08:00

I wasn't going to let the module pass by without posting on my blog straight from strange, strange Karlslunde. For the third time I am united with my fellow psycho MISE's from all over the world for two weeks of indescribable experiences.

The module is actually coming to a close now. I arrived here last 15th of October and today, 13 days, 3 exams, 10 days of 10-hour classes later, I'm getting ready to leave. As always, leaving is bittersweet.

But then again, I miss home. I really, really do.

And sadly, home would have to wait another week...

Something Venti from Starbucks

2005-09-22T09:36:00.000+08:00

I sincerely believe that the gravity of one's problems is reflected on the size of one's Starbucks cup during those problematic times.

I just bought a Rhumba Frapuccino. Venti.

Perecletus once said...

2005-08-28T23:28:00.000+08:00

It is in change that we find purpose.

'Nuff said. For now.

From Mariel's Blog

2005-08-24T19:37:00.000+08:00

Was on sick leave today. Just wanted to post something, didn't matter whether or not it had sense... Taken from Mariel's blog.

EIGHT random things about me...
1. I work in Ortigas.
2. I'm always affected, never apathetic.
3. I love going home to my bed after a looong, tiring day.
4. I'm a sucker for love.
5. I wish I had unlimited call and text credit on my phone. If only Sun's service didn't suck so much, it would have been perfect for me.
6. I still dream of being in another industry, of another job.
7. Writing remains my passion. I want to die a writer.
8. I like Nina.

SEVEN ways to win my heart...
1. Be thoughtful.
2. Surprise me.
3. Smell heavenly.
4. Get to know me.
5. Always, ALWAYS text back.
6. Let me know and feel that you're thinking of me.
7. Love me. For real.

SIX things that make me mad...
1. Stupid drivers.
2. Whiny people who are in fact part of the problem.
3. Unwillingness to learn.
4. Looking down on others, for whatever reason.
5. Stealing side mirrors.
6. People who invade my privacy (specially my room).

FIVE things I believe in...
1. the power of my Creator
2. love
3. myself
4. free will
5. the good in people

FOUR things I want to do before I die...
1. Buy a BMW.
2. Publish a book.
3. Build my dream house.
4. Find the person I'd want to grow old with.

THREE things I'm afraid of...
1. Failure
2. Losing my loved ones
3. To die unhappy and unfulfilled.

TWO things I need to do right now...
1. Pack my gym bag.
2. Eat.

ONE person I want to see right now...
1. Abstain.

Badtrip, Love Nanaman

2005-08-22T20:59:00.000+08:00

Okay, I'm doing my friend a favor by posting this. Apparently someone reads my blog and my friend wants this piece to be read by that person. So dunsa taong pinariringgan ng kaibigan ko... C'mon, take a hint, wag na magpaka-manhid. Hehe.

Grabe, I smell love in the air... di pa naman Valentines. Hehe. Osya, on to the artik! :D

Badtrip, Love Nanaman

Minsan bwiset talaga ang magmahal.

Akala mo ang sarap sabihin na “I’m in love!!!” pero pucha… Pagdating na sa puntong gusto mo nang sipain ang sarili mo dahil sa mga bagay na nararamdaman mo out of being “in love,” naiisip mo kung ano ba talaga ‘tong love na ito… mas ok ba na wala siya o nandiyan sa buhay mo?

Eto ka nanaman, in love nanaman… Sabi mo wag muna, pero hindi naman napipigilan yun diba? Pag magkasama kayo feeling mo ayaw mo nang matapos ang araw, naaamoy mo palang yung pabango niya palingun-lingon ka na, tipo bang gustong gusto mo nang gumising sa umaga kasi makikita mo na siya…

Pag pupunta ka sa Mini Stop, iisipin mo kung anong flavor ba ng c2 ang bibilin mo para sa kanya (pero siyempre hindi na tinatanong yun dahil alam mo kung ano ang favorite niya), o kung anong chips kaya ang trip niyang i-merienda (pero siyempre alam mo na rin kung ano ‘to diba).

Para kang tanga, hinihintay mo yung text niya kasi ayaw mong ikaw nanaman ang mauna, tapos pag hindi nagtext nededepress ka… hanggang sa hindi mo na matiis at sige na nga, compose ng message na maikli lang (tipong hi! o musta?) at send kagad para di na magbago ang isip mo. Quick and painless ika nga. Tapos pag sumagot na siya, masaya ka na ulit… Suddenly nakabawi ka na from your depression. Tignan mo. Para ngang tanga.

Sabi nga nila, these are classic signs of being smitten. But being in love is something else… May mga bagay na kapag naramdaman mo, feeling mo sure ka na na mahal mo na nga talaga siya.

Siyempre, unang una na ang selos. Ayaw mong may kasama siyang iba. Kailangan alam mo lahat ng lakad niya. Tapos yung ibang mga pinopormahan (kung guy) o mga manliligaw (kung girl), pati mga matagal nang ibinaon na ex eh nilalait mo na. Minsan gagawin mo to sa harap niya, tipo bang pahapyaw na “Ako na lang kasi!” pero pagtalikod niya, dun na dumadating yung sobrang lakas na selos. Yung pag kasama mo nalang ang mga kaibigan mo. Kasi sa level ng usapan niyo ng tropa mo, kung nakakamatay ang panlalait eh double dead na itong mga pinopormahan, manliligaw at ex ng prospect mo.

Pero higit sa lahat, you’re starting to care more than you should… Your friends all say na hindi na tama, sobra na yan, hindi naman kayo, exagge na ang effort mo pero sa totoo lang, feeling mo kulang pa nga yun e, it doesn’t even begin to prove kung gaano mo siya ka-gusto at kung hangga’t saan ka handang magsakripisyo para sa kanya… Kalokohan diba, pero totoo… Kasi nga, alam mong mahal mo na nga.

Hanggang sa maiinis ka na, kasi ayan ka nanaman, sobra ka nanamang affected eh hindi naman kayo. HINDI NAMAN KAYO! Kahit ilang beses na paulit-ulit, walang epekto sayo… In denial ka parin… E pano naman kasi, imposible din naman na sa mga ipinapakita niya e wala siyang nararamdaman para sayo. Hawakan daw ba ang kamay mo habang nagdadrive ka? O yumapos sayo habang pumipili ng bibilhin sa Jollibee? E yung bigyan ka niya ng term of endearment (na siyempre labis mong ikinakilig)?

At ang nakakainis pa dun, hindi mo rin naman siya matanong… Hindi naman dahil sa saksakan ka ng torpe – isa lang sa mga rason yun – pero ang mas mabigat na dahilan e yung hindi ka sigurado at hindi ka handa sa isasagot niya. Pag sinabi niyang oo, gusto ka rin niya, shit sobrang saya nun diba?! E pano pag sinabi niyang hinde noh, friends lang talaga tayo… Diba sobrang sakit nun? Gugustuhin mo nag hukayin ang sarili mong libingan. Kaya ka nagdadalawang-isip… kasi alam mo na mas ok na hindi ka sigurado kung gusto ka rin niya, kaysa sa sigurado kang hindi ka niya gusto, diba? Mas ok na rin na pinapakilig at pinapaasa ka niya sa mga kilos niya, at least kahit papano may mga “moments” na masaya kayo pareho… kahit lokohan lang.

Sa totoo lang, sinasabi ko lang din naman ito… Ganyang ganyan din ang pinagdadaanan ko, naiinis napapagood nabubuwiset nababaliw na rin ako sa pagmamahal. But at the end of the day, during those last few moments before falling asleep at naiisip ko nanaman siya at kung paano na nahulog ang loob ko sa kanya, natatanggap ko na rin na wala naman talaga akong magagawa… na mahal ko na siya, and it’s totally unconditional... na mahal ko na siya, and I am helpless… na mahal ko na siya, and I want the whole wide world to know… na mahal ko na siya, and that’s all that matters…

Sa mga panahong tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung ano ba talaga tong love na ito… kung mas ok ba na wala siya o nandiyan sa buhay ko… hindi ko talaga nasasagot… Naiisip ko kasi na the answer to that question doesn’t really matter. Pag in love ka, in love ka – it’s not a choice; it just happens and that’s the most beautiful part of loving. It’s succumbing to the feeling and not minding anything else. Dahil sa totoo lang, pag alam mo na mahal mo na nga siya… wala nang ibang bagay ang makabuluhan pa. Diba.

Jumbled Thoughts Better Left Untitled

2005-08-14T21:38:00.000+08:00

Has it really been 3 months? I checked the date of my last post and it was the third of April. Has it really been that long?

I'm surprised because not being able to update my blog means I have been too busy. Have I been that busy since April? Whew. I still find it weird.

There are some things on my mind. Random thoughts here and there, from nowhere. Walalang.

1. Bakit kaya lahat ng tao may Galera or Boracay o basta kahit anong beach pic sa friendster?
2. Ako wala.
3. Naiinis ako kasi I'm rebuilding my MP3 playlist. Nabura kasi nung nireformat yung computer ko. Sayang kasi napakarami na nun. I don't mind downloading, it's just that andami dung old school na favorite ko pero di ko na maalala. Bwiset.
4. Sana yung mga taong gusto mong magtext sayo, alam nila na hinihintay mo yung message nila no. Lalang.
5. Starting tomorrow, sa Ortigas na ko magtatrabaho. Six months yun.
6. Meron nanaman akong assignment sa Maritime Law. Sa Wednesday ang deadline.
7. Do I ever cross your mind anytime?
8. I should get to sleep.

Vince O. Teves

2005-04-03T10:56:00.000+08:00

Before some of you panic at the above unrecognizable name, no, he's not my boyfriend. :)

Someone left a comment on an earlier post where I mentioned that I wanted the Vince's Life compilation. Turns out, he/she edited the manuscript for the book. And as if that's not enough, he/she actually knows the real Vince O. Teves. Isn't that cool??? :)

I used to be part of Seventeen Philippines' first Teen Advisory Board (TAB) and I remember asking then Ed-in-Chief Maya (in fact, I think I asked this question even before other TAB-realted stuff, haha) if there was a real Vince, and if so, will I ever get to meet him??? She broke into a big smile and confirmed that Vince was indeed a living, breathing guy, but he really does prefer to be anonymous... that perhaps he might be walking around the office, or I might even be chatting with him and not know that he's the Vince Teves that thousands of Seventeen readers know and swoon over (considering this expressiveness and sensitivity). Once, they even teased Fran (then Managing Editor) about it.

Till then, that's the closest I've come to knowing the monthly Seventeen columnist. Until the anonymous comment came along. :)

It's funny how you feel you know someone from the one-page synopsis he writes about life with Andrea (the object of his affection with whom the monthly narrative usually revolves). And how you think thayt when you meet him, you'll just casually chat him up about Connie, Spider and yes, his Andrea. But when you consider it... these are all personal stuff that you can't easily share with a stranger no matter how he/she has read every single serving of Vince's Life.

So even though I still think that Vince is such a cool guy -- primarily because he expresses himself well, a talent not present in most men -- I guess it's also good that he remains, to a certain extent, a figment of our imaginations.

But then again, yes... it really wouldn't hurt to know such a cool guy. :)

P.S. To the one who left the anonymous comment, here's my answer :)

As much as the piece was very appropriate for me at the time, I did not write it. :) A friend forwarded it to me and I did not know to whom I should give the credit. :)

Anyway, yes, I have the compilation already! I think I bought it the day after that post. :) You edited the manuscript and you know Vince?? That's way cool. :)

Senti Trip

2005-03-27T16:05:00.000+08:00

I don;t know why but I'm feeling sentimental today. And about what? About being young.

I know many people would beg to disagree that 21 is not old at all. I think, chronologically it's not, but the fact that your age today, right this very moment is the the oldest you've been, you will always feel "old" in some level and always wish you were younger...

I especially miss high school. And I've had this feeling since high school graduation, which is (counting) exactly five years and three days ago. Whew! That's a pretty long time back. But the fact of the matter is, high school will always be, well, unbeatable in my long list of sentimental subjects.

What I miss most about high school:
1. My school bus. The fact that no matter what you do, you can be sure that you'll get to school and back home, safely.
2. My uniform -- not having to worry about what to wear the next day, just how to fold your socks. Haha.
3. The classrooms, a place to leave your stuff where it won't get lost. Well, 90% of the time at least. But also a place where you an do a lot of stuff other than having classes; you can eat, sleep, drink, be merry, play cards, play charades, play the guitar... and well, some other censored stuff. Haha.
4. The gym, the CAI lab, the canteen, the library, the IMC, the GS viewing room, the PL office, the teacher's lounge, the office of the HS secretary, the permanently unswinging swings. Ahhhh memories.
5. Cheering competitions -- by batch, not by color.
6. Songfest, Jazztri, Concerts, BAPPSA, otherwise known as events where you can show 'em what you're made of.
7. Sabayang Pagbigkas / Choral Recitation -- it would take a separate entry if I expound on this one. Our passion, our pride. We can only pray it remains that way.
8. Class numbers, class officers, bulletin boards.
9. Club Time, otherwise known as the time we can spend buying drinks or gossiping on the way the PL office... until the "Piso-per-minute" rule came along (Ailil, remember this?!?! Haha!)
10. Intrams, St. Paul's Day -- otherwise known as the only valid reason not to have classes during Sr. Mila's regime.

More to come next entry...

Flashback

2005-03-27T14:12:00.000+08:00

I saw an email I sent to my friend from the module. It brought back memories of how it felt like to just be AWAY for two weeks.

Below text edited for privacy and profanity. Haha.

Oddly enough, I am just coming from a very very bad hangover. Last night we had a "drinking party" where everyone was supposed to bring a drink from their own countries. It was so wild. Although I was not able to bring anything from the Philippines, the others brought so much! Anyway, I bought some drinks from the nearby supermarket just so I have something with me. Shempre ako naman si tikim ng lahat ng inumin diba (of course I tried all of it)! Somebody brought this Chinese wine that was supposed to be 52% alcohol (I tried it) and there was also this Brazilian (?) drink called Sangria that was, I dunno how may percent alcohol (I tried it) and there was also this Danish drink that I dunno how many percent alcohol as well (of course i tried it too), and then I finished off the 6 bottles of Whities I brought, so I had roughly 80++% alcohol with me. Hahahahahaha.

I went home around 2:30am, I don't even remember how I made it coz everything was spinning. I woke up this morning to find myself in the same clothes I had on last night. Then I stood up and sobrang hilo ako (I was so dizzy). I was coughing and the worst thing is that I was almost throwing up everytime I coughed. I had a class that starts 8am. I was such a nightmare......... I tried to force myself to feel better during class but it was just sooooo hard. That's really the crazy life right there.

Damn, was I wasted! But then, I always keep in mind that I'm allowed to be like this only in DK. (That's a promise!)

Coming Home

2005-03-19T22:12:00.000+08:00

I know this is too late for a coming home entry, because I have been back on Philippine soil for two weeks already. Met new people, learned new things, rode a new airline, founded new friendships. It was a good two weeks spent in snowy Denmark, if I must say.

I finally came around to seeing the little mermaid (and how little she is!) -- you'd almost pass by her if you didn't look close enough. We also built a snowman and had a snowfight on a particularly snowy day. We also had 12-hour classes, some were fun and the others... are not worth mentioning. We spent a lot of time "networking," though -- indoors, outdoors, at the basement, during sports, on the bus, while ice skating, in the rooms, even during laundry!

All in all it was a very productive Module, and I am definitely looking forward to the next one (although the real test is in Module 3 -- we'll be having the exams). And by the way, Maersk is looking for members of MISE Batch of 2005, so wherever you are in the world, if you're interested, or if you want to learn more about the program, you can log on to the MISE Webpage.

So that concludes my "photo essay" of Module 2. For more pictures, visit this.

Oh and one more thing...

It's good to be back home! :)

Straight from Karlslunde, Part 2

2005-02-22T20:46:00.000+08:00

And once again I bring this post to you from the land of butter cookies and the Little Mermaid sculpture, the home of A.P. Møller-Mærsk Group - Denmark.

It was a pretty bumpy 13-hour flight (technically, it's 24 hours because I left at 8pm Friday and got here 8pm Saturday Philippine time) and I could not fall asleep comfortably on my plane seat. Truth be told, I think I enjoyed my Thai Airways flight during the first module than this Lufthansa flight. And it doesn't help that this was almost usd300 more expensive.

Anyway, onto more sensible things. Today is my third day in Denmark and I'm absolutely dying of the cold. The Asians were not built to last in this weather, specailly the Filipinos. This place is cold enough to be one giant freezer. And yes, there is snow.

I probably should mention that it was an emotional moment when I first saw the snow. (Yes, pathetic but emotional just the same!) I'm sure it's because seeing snow used to be just a childhood dream for me... so it's quite an experience to actually see it covering everything on your path, the powdery ice landing on my coat, and the cold wind that blows that causes me to not feel my face anymore. Haha. They should put a sign on the airport though: Not for people from warm countries.

So till here for the moment. Will upload pictures soon. :) So everyone, don't miss me too much (coz you know I really am missing you, I miss the Philippines badly.) Text me guys!

Leaving On a Jet Plane... Today

2005-02-18T09:36:00.000+08:00

It has been a frantic couple of weeks, trying to meet the last few deadlines of MISE requirements and up until last night, I had been trying to clear everything, including the work that I would be leaving to some of my teammates while I am gone.

The time has again come for me to travel the grueling 13 hours to Copenhagen and spend the next couple of weeks with 100+ strangers, trying to learn more about the AP Moller-Maersk group, the shipping industry but above all about each other.

Today I am leaving with mixed emotions. It saddens me that I have not had the time to be excited about this trip... There have been lots of things going on in my head... But I guess it's better not to think about them first and look forward to this trip that presents itself with lots of challenges but also lots of fun as well (I hope).

I will be flying out tonight... Please do let me know that you're thinking of me by texting me or sending me an e-mail... Just so I won't be cold and lonely in the Denmark winter.

Be good while I'm gone, ok? :)

Incidentally... I will be in Denmark on the 24th of February. But it still doesn't change the fact that it's been five beautiful years. Go figure. :)

Work vs. Vocation

2005-02-02T11:33:00.000+08:00

Long read, but pretty much sums it all up.

*sigh*

= * = * =

I often hear people say, "I have to find myself." What they really mean is, I have to make myself." Life is an endless creative experience, and we are making ourselves every moment by every decision we make.

That is why the work you choose for yourself is so crucial to your sense of value and well-being. No matter how much you might believe that your work is nothing more than what you do to make money, your work makes you who you are, because it is where you put your time.

I remember several years ago when I was intent upon building my reputation as a sculptor. I took a job driving a cab, because, as I told people, "I want some job that I will never confuse with a profession." Yet within six months, I was talking like a cab driver, thinking like a cab driver, looking at the world through the eyes of a cab driver. My anecdotes came from my job, as did my observations about life. I became embroiled in the personalities and politics of the company for which I worked and developed the habits and rhythms of life that went along with my all-night driving shift. On the days when I did not drive and instead worked on my sculpture, I still carried the consciousness of a cab driver with me.

Whether I liked it or not, I was a cab driver.

This happens to anyone who takes a job. Even if you hate a job and keep a distance from it, you are defining yourself in opposition to the job by resisting it. By giving the job your time, you are giving it your consciousness. And it will, in turn, fill your life with the reality that it presents.

Many people ignore this fact. They choose a profession because it seems exciting, or because they can make a lot of money, or because it has some prestige in their minds. They commit themselves to their work, but slowly find themselves feeling restless and empty. The time they have to spend on their work begins to hang heavy on their hands, and soon they feel constricted and trapped. They join the legions of humanity who Thoreau said lead lives of quiet desperation - unfulfilled, unhappy and uncertain of what to do. Yet the lure of financial security and the fear of the unknown keep them from acting to change their lives, and their best energies are spend creating justifications for staying where they are or inventing activities outside of work that they hope will provide them with a sense of meaning. But these efforts can never be totally successful.

We are what we do, and the more we do it, the more we become it. The only way out is to change our lives or to change our expectations for our lives. And if we lower our expectations we are killing our dreams, and a man without dreams is already half dead. So you need to choose your work carefully. You need to look beyond the external measurements of prestige and money and glamour to see what you will be doing on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute basis to see if that is how you want to spend your time. Time may not be the way you measure the value of your work, but it is the way you experience it.

What you need to do is think of work as vocation.

This word may seem stilted in its tone, but it has wisdom within it. It comes from the Latin word for calling, which comes from the word for voice. In those meanings it touches on what work really should be. It should be something that calls to you as something you want to do, and it should be something that gives voice to who you are and what you want to say to the world. So a true vocation calls to you to perform it and it allows your life to speak. This is very different from work, which is just an exchange of labor for money. It is even very different from a profession, which is an area of expertise you have been sanctioned to represent.

A vocation is something you feel compelled to do, or at least something that fills you with a sense of meaning. It is something you choose because of what it allows you to say with your life, not because of the money it pays you or the way it will make you appear to others. It is, above all else, something that lets you love.

When you find a vocation, embrace it with your whole heart. Few people are so lucky. They begin their search for work with an eye to the wrong prize, so when they win, they win something of little value. They gain money or prestige, but they lose their hearts. Eventually their days become nothing more than a commodity that they exchange for money, and they begin to shrivel and die.

I often think of a man I met on the streets of Cleveland. He was an assembly-line worker in an automobile plant. He said his work was so hateful that he could barely stand to get up in the morning. I asked him why he didn't quit. "I've only got thirteen more years to go to retirement," he answered. And he meant it. His life had so gotten away from him that he was willing to accept a thirteen-year death sentence for his spirit rather than give up the security it earned.

When I spoke with him I was about twenty. I was young and free; I didn't understand what he was saying at all. It seemed incomprehensible to me that a man could have become so defeated by life that he was willing to let his life die as he held it in his hands.

Now I understand too well. Lured by what had seemed like big money at the time, he had chosen a job that didn't offer him any inner satisfaction. He lived a good life, rolling from paycheck to paycheck and getting the car or the boat that he had always dreamed of having. Year by year he advanced, because businesses reward perseverance.

His salary went up, his options for other types of employment went down, and he settled into a routine that financed his life. He married, bought a house, had children, and grew into middle age. The job that had seemed like freedom when he was young became a deadening routine.

Year by year he began to hate it. It choked him, but he had no means of escape. He needed its money to live; no job he might change to would pay him as much as he was currently making. His fear for the health and security of his family kept him from breaking free into a world where all things were possible but no things were paid for, and so he gave in.

"I've only got thirteen more years to retirement" was a prisoner's way of counting the days until the job would release him and pay him for his freedom.

Most people's lives are a variation on that theme. So few take the time when they are young to explore the real meaning of the jobs they are taking or to consider the real implications of the occupations to which they are committing their lives. Some have no choice. Without money, without training, with the pressures of life building around them, they choose the best alternative that offers itself. But many others just fail to see clearly.

They chase false dreams, and fall into traps they could have avoided if they had listened more closely to their hearts when choosing their life's work.

But even if you listen closely to your heart, making the right choice is difficult. You can't really know what it is you want to do by thinking about it. You have to do it and see how it fits. You have to let the work take you over until it becomes you and you become it; then you have to decide whether to embrace it or abandon it. And few have the courage to abandon something that defines their security and prosperity.

Yet there is no reason why a person cannot have two, three or more careers in the course of a life. There is no reason why a person can't abandon a job that does not fit anymore and strike out into the unknown for something that lies closer to the heart. There is risk, there is loss, and there likely will be privation. If you have allowed your job to define your sense of self-worth, there may even be a crisis of identity. But no amount of security is worth the suffering of a life lived chained to a routine that has killed all your dreams.

You must never forget that to those who hire you, your labor is a commodity. You are paid because you provide a service that is useful. If the service you provide is no longer needed, it doesn't matter how honorable, how diligent, how committed you have been in your work. If what you can contribute is no longer needed, you are no longer needed and you will be let go. Even if you've committed your life to the job, you are, at heart, a part of the commercial exchange, and you are valuable only so long as you are a significant contributor to that commercial exchange. It is nothing personal; it's just the nature of economic transaction.

So it does not pay to tie yourself to a job that kills your love of life. The job will abandon you if it has to. You can abandon the job if you have to. The man I met in Cleveland may have been laid off the year before he was due to retire. He may have lost his pension because of a legal detail he never knew existed. He may have died on the assembly line while waiting to put a bolt in a fender.

I once had a professor who dreamed of being a concert pianist. Fearing the possibility of failure, he went into academics where the work was secure and the money was predictable. One day, when I was talking to him about my unhappiness in my graduate studies, he walked over and sat down at his piano. He played a beautiful glisando and then, abruptly, stopped. "Do what is in your heart," he said. "I really only wanted to be a concert pianist. Now I spend every day wondering how good I might have been."

Don't let this be your epitaph at the end of your working life. Find out what it is that burns in your heart and do it. Choose a vocation, not a job, and you will be at peace. Take a job instead of finding a vocation, and eventually you will find yourself saying, "I've only got thirteen more years to retirement," or "I spend every day wondering how good I might have been."

We all owe ourselves better than that.

No Subject.

2005-01-25T13:52:00.000+08:00

Blogging from the office. Slow day today, and I'm thankful. I had chicken for lunch, which I was unable to finish. I am craving for gallons and gallons of iced tea, and I don’t know why.

(Think: What to write, what to write…)

Random Thoughts Yet Again:

-I'm in a singing mood right now.

-I want the Vince's Life compilation.

-I love love love Mario's "You Should Let Me Love You." I SWEAR.

-Counting down the days til Feb 18th.

-I'm going to the UP Job Fair tomorrow!!! It would perhaps be in the exact same place where this Maersk adventure all started. I submitted my resume for this MISE Program in Maersk because I had extra copies of it left… one year after, tadaaa! I am here. Who would have thought… :)

-I'm having a good hair day today. :)

Bruce Almighty and Some Sunday Night Reflections

2005-01-17T21:27:00.000+08:00

Blogging from the office... *sigh*

Caught Bruce Almighty on Star Movies last night. What started as a reluctant movie-viewing session (never did like Jim Carrey much) turned out to be a pleasantly productive one. I liked the movie because it had a good lesson behind it. And it got me thinking. About how we people tend to be selfish, specially when we pray. How there truly is meaning behind every unanswered request. But most of all, it reminded me that God really listens, even to the seemingly little, insignificant prayers that we have. He listens specially when we are hurting, confused or lost. And that's always a welcome reminder.

All right, I'm going home now...

Random Thoughts; 9-Jan-2005

2005-01-09T22:03:00.000+08:00

- If I wanted to study law, I would have gone to law school (this, of course, is pertaining to my maritime law assignment due on Wednesday).

- I really am the bratty princess of cramming.

- My phone's new casing, pastel pink, is probably a tad too girly for me.

- My new favorite singer is Kyla.

- I need a massage. The weekend did not do much for my stress.

- Wish I could make a new layout. :(

A Kid Once More: Reflections on Christmas

2005-01-09T15:45:00.000+08:00

I once told my best friend that Christmas was my favorite holiday. Despite the fact that many people think that it’s just for kids, I beg to disagree. I could list a million things I love about this season, especially when one spends it here in the Philippines (speaking of which, I firmly believe we should be crowned as the Christmas capital of the world – but that’s another story).

Maybe it’s the thousand twinkling lights, or the irresistible smell of puto bungbong and bibingka cooking over charcoal, or maybe it’s the cool, crisp breeze that blows while you make your way to the village church in time for simbang gabi. Maybe it’s the mystery of the wrapped gifts under the Christmas tree and the joy we get from rattling it endlessly, trying to guess what’s inside. It could also be all the free food we get to eat during Christmas parties, reunions or noche buena. To me it’s a thousand different things, all special, all contributing to my love of this time of the year.

However, most important of all these is the fact that I get to enjoy this time of year with my family. I can lose the stuff that holidays are made of – trees, lights, gifts, food – and yet I know that it will still feel like Christmas as long as my family is complete.

Christmas is surely about my father’s hearty laughter as he plays old-time carols and reminisces about the past with us, his children.

It’s about my mom busily pacing all around the house attending to everything, oblivious to the world until a few minutes before midnight, when she would gather the family around our noche buena and say a thanksgiving prayer.

It’s about waiting for my brother to come home from last-minute errands so we can all dress up and head to the church for the Christmas Eve mass.

It’s about my little sister Tata counting and re-counting her gifts until she loses track, and then counting them again to make sure she has the number correct… until finally she falls asleep like an angel on the couch, growing tired of waiting for the opening of gifts.

But most of all, it’s about watching all these things unfold, year after year – and realizing that not many things about my Christmases have changed. It’s about me getting the chance to be a kid again.

In this day and age when I am almost two decades old, it surprises me how I have already gone tired of living like an adult. Despite the freedom that comes with growing older, I long for the carefree days of my childhood – when my decisions did not have huge consequences, when my choices were not at all life-changing. But I know time can never be stopped nor regained. It just goes on and on, day after day, year after year, and we grow older and older…

Perhaps this is also one of the reasons why I love Christmas. It allows me to be that kid again. It is an excuse to act all giddy and hopeful and worry-free and unburdened by the things around you. It gives us time to forget poverty or low standards of living and be unconditionally happy, to focus on all the good things in life – like family, friends, and the mere fact that you are alive.

When I look back and think how other people say that Christmas is just for kids, I sometimes think that maybe they are right. Because Christmas remains the one time when people all turn into kids – when the bad things don’t really matter as long as you’ve got family… when it’s really all just about getting lost in the childhood magic that, whether we like it or not, Christmas truly brings.