Have you ever had that moment when you just want to go up to a person and ask, "What the hell happened to you?" You don't really mean to be rude, you don't mean to lose your manners. You just need answers. You just need an explanation. You just want to know... Exactly what, why and how things turned out the way they did.
I guess this is again one of times that I need to address my issues. My issues with change. My issues with seeing two important people in my life turn into... Someone who I feel like I don't know anymore.
I realize that it's not so much about dealing with the process of change itself than it is about not liking the "finished product." People do change, that much I accept, but do they have to turn into these people that I sooo not want them to be...?
See? That's where the problem lies.
But as a friend, I must learn accept them...
Based on my brainstorming, I came up with some of the reasons why it's so difficult to deal with these changes:
1) the miles between me and the person
2) the lack of constant communication
3) the complete unpredictability of the new person they have turned into
No. 1 & 2 are major reasons why I feel so unprepared for the change. For one reason or another -- maybe physical distance or the fact that you've simply grown apart -- you don't get to see them everyday, then the next time you see them, they have turned into this changed person. It's like going to bed in your room one night, and then waking up to see unfamiliar walls, a different bedspread, in a place totally strange to you. You would just feel so... Displaced. Like you weren't forewarned.
As for item No. 3, this is just because of my being selfish and judgmental... And feeling like the change may not have been for the best. In college I learned that you shouldn't expect others to have the same values and morals as you do. But this is different... They used to be among my very good friends... Heck, I used to love them, and them me. So shouldn't their values and morals be at least similar to mine?
But now... It's just so far from the person I used to know... And nothing could have told me that they'd turn out this way.
I never really expected people to stay the way they were. I never expected to rediscover old friends and realize they haven't changed since grade school or high school. But I also never expected drastic changes that will make these two people seem like strangers to me.
I often think, "So what now if I get to talk to them? What good would that be? That wouldn't change anything." But more than anything else, I still badly want an answer to that question above. An answer to, "What the hell happened to you?" And this is only for one reason: closure. I want to know there was nothing I could have done. I want to know that this change was a whole-hearted decision, one that was done without hesitation. I want to know that this change was... Meant to be. And if it was, I'd shut up. By then I would have made peace with myself.
But if there's a tiny spark of doubt about the change... One tiny little question in their minds... I want to salvage that. Make them consider that changing may not have been their best decision, nor is it their only option. If all they need is a sympathetic soul or a someone who'll listen, I'll be there for them. To help them any which way I can. And maybe they'll come to realize that there's no need to change to find love, or a friend. Because I was there all along to love them just the way they are.
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Wish you could read this... Both of you. *sigh*
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