Staying put... and the jumbled thoughts that come with it.

This weekend I attempted to start packing in preparation for my apartment move come end-February. I'm switching apartments, but staying put in Beijing.


I took some boxes from my friend Irene's place and as we hauled them into a cab, she asked me how I felt about everyone leaving and me staying behind.


There was a time when Beijing was home to numerous expats -- and most, if not all, of the twenty-somethings have become my friend in one way or another. I've often felt like a veteran, an old hand in this city, having been here since 2006; sometimes more like a welcome wagon when a new expat arrives -- introducing them to the group, getting them acquainted with life in this new environment which to me now feels like a second home.


But as our company, like most others, rolled with the punches of the current economic situation, it was inevitable that employees as expensive as expats would be one of the groups to be most hit. Over the last six months, our group has shrunk so considerably -- either going back to their home bases or moving to other cities in China. I, on the other hand, have just extended my contract here for another couple of years. By the time July 2009 rolls around, I know I will be the only one left (unless, knock on wood, something happens to my team) amongst what was once a 20+ group of young expats in Beijing.


Before I confirmed the extension of my contract, I tossed all the considerations inside my head to try and justify whatever decision I would make. Of course, it did not help that I was given only one morning to confirm my agreement. I called all the important people whom I thought should have a say in this decision and they unanimously agreed that the wisest thing to do would be to stay put; another couple of years in Beijing, another chance to save (yeah right hehe), and hopefully a few more chances to advance career-wise along the way. And so my boss received a yes from me by the end of that morning.


Although the decision has been made, I guess to one part of me it still hasn't sunk in that the contract has been extended. That part does not really want to think about how life is going to be over the next couple of years, specially in light of all of my friends leaving. I remember when I first came here, all I could do was count down to 2009 when I can finally go back home. Of course a lot of things have happened since then, but that is not to say that the feeling of wanting to return to the Philippines has completely gone away. That one part still expects that change which was supposed to come in 2009.


When I first expatriated, it felt like I put my life on hold. And back then, I was fine putting it on hold for a couple of years, give or take a few months, in the name of goal-fulfillment and career advancement. But now I sit here, two years hence, and facing another two years of not being in the Philippines, and I think, am I willing to keep my life on hold for that much longer?


And that's when I wondered why I ever thought that this, right here, was not life.


Going back to the Philippines seemed like the milestone after which I was going to re-start my so-called life; revive friendships, do the stuff I used to always do, live the way I've always used to live. But time, it seems, no matter how long or short, will always change you and the people around you. You can never pick up where you left off. So from the very start, there was no 're-starting' of the life I left... but I did not know that then.


It's not easy, accepting that being away from my family and friends and being in a place which is not where I grew up has become my way of life. But what is there to do? Resistance is futile. And at one point, what I have now was everything I ever wanted... so what am I whining about?


It's just that... I still get those moments when I wonder if there's anything better out there that I should be doing with my life.


I dunno.


What do you think?

A Reason

I used to keep a journal*... but ever since I've been with you, it's been hard.

There's so much to say and the pages are better left blank.

I'll remember it all anyway... :)

= = =

*Applicable to blogs too!

2008 In Retrospect

As I stood at the threshold of the new year 2009, feeling compelled to give a look back to the year that was, I felt a bit... ambivalent. For some reason, I could not remember the things that happened earlier in the year, or how it felt. I knew I have had new experiences, undergone changes, had some achievements and failures and, from all of these, picked up lessons along the way. But it seemed to have been overshadowed by a single event in late 2008 that showed me that good things come to those who wait – but that event deserves a totally separate entry, so let me leave it at that, for now. :) So onto other things...

In 2008 I seemed to have developed a better appreciation for this city I live in. My eyes were opened to just how vibrant Beijing is, and to a certain extent, I fell in love with it; I found new friends, explored new places, even witnessed some once-in-a-lifetime events during the 2008 Olympics. When I came here a couple of years ago, all I could think about was how much I was looking forward to 2009 and going back home. Now I know when that time comes, it's not going to be so easy saying goodbye to the Jing.

2008 was also a year of traveling to cities I've never been to – Guangzhou, Shenzhen, Macau, Hong Kong, Xi'an, Qingdao, Chicago, Las Vegas, Los Angeles; and indulging in the occasional luxuries – my Macbook, that helicopter ride, that photography course, DSLR’s, shopping sprees... Though I do realize how big of a dent all those have made on my savings, I do not regret any of them. Papa taught me that as long as you are willing to work, money can be earned. On the other hand, we don't have unlimited chances and opportunities to do the things we want to do or get the things we want. (Did that sound like an excuse? Haha! Anyway...)

2008 for me was also about letting go of baggage, of realizing differences that are irreconcilable, and calling things off when enough is enough. I have made decisions which I feel were some of my wisest, decisions which allowed a whole new light to come into my life and it felt like I have woken up from an extended nap.

So what then do I expect of 2009?

If you remember my 25th birthday post, from then I have learned that expecting nothing is a good plan – you will always be pleasantly surprised. But if I do look ahead and set some expectations, I just need to make sure they are managed so as not to disappoint myself or anyone else.

Not having expectations, though, does not mean I am not hopeful, because I am. Hopeful that this time next year I will still be able to smile and say with a straight face that I have had a good, if not exceptional, year.

Cheers, friends, and all the best for 2009!

Want some cheese with that WHINE?

[drafted 30 Dec 2008]

The past couple of days, it has been a conscious effort to not be whiny. We moved offices and it was our first couple of days in our new 'home', in an area just a couple of kilometers south of our former office building. Things are not THAT bad after all, and with the recession hitting everyone where it hurts, I should be thankful that my company is cutting down on office rent instead of jobs and people.

Therefore I will not complain, despite the fact that it takes more than 5 times my usual travel time and 5 times as much walking from my apartment to the new office. I will not complain that half the lobby is not yet functional and is covered in a foot of dust, or that the area near the bank of elevators reeks of smoke. I will also not complain that it takes forever for the elevator to come, that it crawls up the building at a snail's pace and that it takes, on average, 5 stops before I get to the 16th floor. I will not complain that we've lost our beautiful 30th floor west-facing view that shows us snow-capped mountains on certain days, and stunning sunsets everyday.

I will not complain that the automatic flush starts working WHILE you are on the seat and that it has been a couple of days that I have been washing my hands with freezing cold water -- word around the office is that it's always been that way and always will be. I will also not complain about losing the prestige we once had at the mere mention of our office address; our old building, the China World Trade Towers (which we lovingly call Guomao), were among the most photographed and celebrated modern buildings in Beijing, more so now with the construction of Tower 3 which is slated to be the tallest building in the city. Now we are housed in an obscure area that three out of the four cabbies I have asked are not quite familiar with.

It did make me think how much being in Guomao has gotten into my head; we have been spoiled by the comforts of being attached to a mall, despite not buying anything from 50% of the shops (the likes of LV, Cartier, Montblanc, Ferragamo, Samsonite Black Label - but who cares, it's still nice to look!). In Guomao there were places to get healthy food (Schlotzky's, Subway, good Jap food complete with a rotating sushi bar) and UNhealthy food (Thai, Taiwanese, Steak Factory, Cold Stone Ice Cream, Haagen Dazs, oh just thinking about it!) -- whhatever you feel like. There's a supermarket where you can get foreign stuff, a Watson's, a Sephora, a Bank of China, an ICBC (a bank which lets me pay my bills through the ATM)... yeah basically anything you need to do anything.

I know, I know. I'm just gonna have to wait a while for me to get used to my new surroundings. In the meantime... I will not complain!

P.S. In my defense, the above entry is for your amusement only and is not a reflection of my general level of whiny-ness which I always keep at a minimum. Haha. I really do try not to complain... except to certain people, who do not have much choice but to listen to my whine. :)

My love affair... with shoes

For someone who complains that her feet are too big, I realized just this weekend that I do have a lot of shoes. As I was unpacking from my recent trip, I laid out all my footwear purchases which at final tally went up to 10 pairs. Yes, I know.
I looked around my apartment to find a place for my new shoes. For the record, each one of them was necessary. (Haha defensive!) I took advantage of the fact that size 9-10 shoes were readlily available in the US -- cannot say as much here in China, where I feel like a giant in the land of small feet. On second thought, I feel that when shoe shopping all around Asia, where women are generally more petite hence have smaller feet.
With a little bit of trepidation I counted just how many pairs of shoes I owned -- at least the ones in China; I had to leave some pairs in the Philippines, thanks to the 30-kg weight limit on travel luggage. I was surprised to have quite a good variety -- flats, heels, boots, slippers, cute ones, ugly ones, rubber, leather, suede, Dunks, Shox's, Air Max's, Crocs, Havs, Uggs -- but all of them in relatively conservative colors. (Believe me I've had my impulsive hot-pink-and-yellow-heels moments, but could never quite convince myself that I can pull them off.) In the end, I said to myself, "No wonder I'm running out of space." I suddenly remembered Carrie and Big, and wished for a moment that someone would build me a closet with a whole wall just for shoes. Sigh. Big sigh. (Haha)
This morning when I woke up not feeling too happy, I put together my outfit in my head, and resolved to wear my favorite heels, which never fail to make me feel better. It does not magically solve my problems nor does it bring world peace, but to me it makes a difference. Maybe it's the height boost, or maybe it's all in my head, or maybe it's the comfort I find in the thought that whoever pisses me off, I can kill with my 3-inch stilettos. Whichever of those it is, these shoes make a shitty day a bit easier to go through.
I have always seen myself as low-maintenance and to a certain extent, sort of a cowboy. But as I went through my shoe racks and all the other cabinets that I have forced to double as shoe cabinets, I realized that there was no reason for a low-maintenance person like me to go through life in bad footwear. In my head there are still countless pairs I'd like to buy, and who knows in the future maybe hot pink or yellow won't be such a bad idea after all. Well I guess it is true, what they say... A girl can never have enough shoes.