This weekend I attempted to start packing in preparation for my apartment move come end-February. I'm switching apartments, but staying put in Beijing.
I took some boxes from my friend Irene's place and as we hauled them into a cab, she asked me how I felt about everyone leaving and me staying behind.
There was a time when Beijing was home to numerous expats -- and most, if not all, of the twenty-somethings have become my friend in one way or another. I've often felt like a veteran, an old hand in this city, having been here since 2006; sometimes more like a welcome wagon when a new expat arrives -- introducing them to the group, getting them acquainted with life in this new environment which to me now feels like a second home.
But as our company, like most others, rolled with the punches of the current economic situation, it was inevitable that employees as expensive as expats would be one of the groups to be most hit. Over the last six months, our group has shrunk so considerably -- either going back to their home bases or moving to other cities in China. I, on the other hand, have just extended my contract here for another couple of years. By the time July 2009 rolls around, I know I will be the only one left (unless, knock on wood, something happens to my team) amongst what was once a 20+ group of young expats in Beijing.
Before I confirmed the extension of my contract, I tossed all the considerations inside my head to try and justify whatever decision I would make. Of course, it did not help that I was given only one morning to confirm my agreement. I called all the important people whom I thought should have a say in this decision and they unanimously agreed that the wisest thing to do would be to stay put; another couple of years in Beijing, another chance to save (yeah right hehe), and hopefully a few more chances to advance career-wise along the way. And so my boss received a yes from me by the end of that morning.
Although the decision has been made, I guess to one part of me it still hasn't sunk in that the contract has been extended. That part does not really want to think about how life is going to be over the next couple of years, specially in light of all of my friends leaving. I remember when I first came here, all I could do was count down to 2009 when I can finally go back home. Of course a lot of things have happened since then, but that is not to say that the feeling of wanting to return to the Philippines has completely gone away. That one part still expects that change which was supposed to come in 2009.
When I first expatriated, it felt like I put my life on hold. And back then, I was fine putting it on hold for a couple of years, give or take a few months, in the name of goal-fulfillment and career advancement. But now I sit here, two years hence, and facing another two years of not being in the Philippines, and I think, am I willing to keep my life on hold for that much longer?
And that's when I wondered why I ever thought that this, right here, was not life.
Going back to the Philippines seemed like the milestone after which I was going to re-start my so-called life; revive friendships, do the stuff I used to always do, live the way I've always used to live. But time, it seems, no matter how long or short, will always change you and the people around you. You can never pick up where you left off. So from the very start, there was no 're-starting' of the life I left... but I did not know that then.
It's not easy, accepting that being away from my family and friends and being in a place which is not where I grew up has become my way of life. But what is there to do? Resistance is futile. And at one point, what I have now was everything I ever wanted... so what am I whining about?
It's just that... I still get those moments when I wonder if there's anything better out there that I should be doing with my life.
I dunno.
What do you think?
