My love affair... with shoes

For someone who complains that her feet are too big, I realized just this weekend that I do have a lot of shoes. As I was unpacking from my recent trip, I laid out all my footwear purchases which at final tally went up to 10 pairs. Yes, I know.
I looked around my apartment to find a place for my new shoes. For the record, each one of them was necessary. (Haha defensive!) I took advantage of the fact that size 9-10 shoes were readlily available in the US -- cannot say as much here in China, where I feel like a giant in the land of small feet. On second thought, I feel that when shoe shopping all around Asia, where women are generally more petite hence have smaller feet.
With a little bit of trepidation I counted just how many pairs of shoes I owned -- at least the ones in China; I had to leave some pairs in the Philippines, thanks to the 30-kg weight limit on travel luggage. I was surprised to have quite a good variety -- flats, heels, boots, slippers, cute ones, ugly ones, rubber, leather, suede, Dunks, Shox's, Air Max's, Crocs, Havs, Uggs -- but all of them in relatively conservative colors. (Believe me I've had my impulsive hot-pink-and-yellow-heels moments, but could never quite convince myself that I can pull them off.) In the end, I said to myself, "No wonder I'm running out of space." I suddenly remembered Carrie and Big, and wished for a moment that someone would build me a closet with a whole wall just for shoes. Sigh. Big sigh. (Haha)
This morning when I woke up not feeling too happy, I put together my outfit in my head, and resolved to wear my favorite heels, which never fail to make me feel better. It does not magically solve my problems nor does it bring world peace, but to me it makes a difference. Maybe it's the height boost, or maybe it's all in my head, or maybe it's the comfort I find in the thought that whoever pisses me off, I can kill with my 3-inch stilettos. Whichever of those it is, these shoes make a shitty day a bit easier to go through.
I have always seen myself as low-maintenance and to a certain extent, sort of a cowboy. But as I went through my shoe racks and all the other cabinets that I have forced to double as shoe cabinets, I realized that there was no reason for a low-maintenance person like me to go through life in bad footwear. In my head there are still countless pairs I'd like to buy, and who knows in the future maybe hot pink or yellow won't be such a bad idea after all. Well I guess it is true, what they say... A girl can never have enough shoes.

California Here We Come

Having hopped from one cold city (Beijing) to another (Chicago) at the outset of my vacation, you can imagine my extreme delight as I stepped out to a beautiful sunny day after landing in San Diego. Fluffy white clouds and a clear blue sky, the sun beating down on me with just the right amount of heat. Ahhh perfection.

My extremely short stay in San Diego (barely 24 hours) included a quick stop at Seaport Village next to the famous USS Midway and a drive by the US-Mexico border to spot the twinkling lights of Tijuana, Mexico, only separated from American land by a concrete wall and of course some very alert border patrols. That evening, Jaim's family was so kind to welcome me to join their Thanksgiving dinner. The turkey was good, the salmon was great and the pumpkin pie was the best!

The next day we left for Las Vegas (see separate entry) and went back to Anaheim, CA four days later. I then met up with my family and spent the next few days doing the usual tourist round: Disneyland Park, Disney's California Adventure, Universal Studios Hollywood and a night tour of LA which included a quick walk down Hollywood Blvd, Rodeo Drive and Beverly Hills. I also got to see Sta. Monica Pier and Third Street Promenade, and the best theme park of all, Six Flags Magic Mountain. The roller coasters were to die for, and if only for the coasters I got to ride there, my trip to the US was well worth it!

Although we probably spent half our time driving on freeways, I loved California. Of course I only have few other US cities to compare it with, but feel that I wouldn't mind working and living there. There's just a feeling, you know, that tells you it's highly possible that you can belong to a place. And California... with its weather, piers, beaches, celebrities, museums, theme parks, distinct cities, shopping streets, people... it's by far not perfect, quite the contrary, but it seemed like a place that's got everything I need. :)

P.S. My apologies to Lali and Anne for not being able to meet up with you! It was just too packed a schedule. No worries though... I'm already penciling in my next US trip... and we'll definitely make plans in advance! :)

P.P.S. Photos to be uploaded over the weekend!

Sin City

Vegas, oh Vegas. So many things have been written about this city, most of them glorifying the release of inhibitions as people wallow in its seemingly intoxicating atmosphere. The city lives in the middle of boulders, mountains and desert a.k.a. nowhere -- I felt surrounded by an imaginary mountainous fence -- it almost lent some truth to that old saying... what happens in Vegas can very possibly just stay there.

Having spent roughly 4 days there, it seemed like there was nothing else to do in Vegas but entertain yourself. It's the only city in America where you can drink on the streets (which we barely took advantage of; we just had a giant 3-foot strawberry daiquiri from Flamingo - that was it). Perhaps also the only city with a choice of almost 6 Cirque du Soleil shows all happening every night; the only city where it's perfectly ok to gawk at the marvelous hotels and take photos in the lobby without being judged; the city where I saw about 5 brides in one night, some followed by her bridesmaids in matchy-matchy dresses; a city where I can go by foot from a Treasure Island to Caesar's Palace to Venice to Paris to New York, all lying in a magnificently lighted strip of street, complete with a dancing fountain show every 15 minutes.

Vegas has a certain charm to it, like it really is an escape. You'd want to lose yourself in this city... As in take on whatever persona you want to, have loads of fun, then come back relatively unscathed into your old, boring life (haha!). But really, I can imagine just having Vegas close by and going there for the weekend to blow off some steam and have some fun with friends just to reenergize. Besides you'd never run out of things to do in Vegas, and even if you do, parking your bum in one of the slot machines and feeding your life savings into the little twinkly contraption is, well, still a rather entertaining option.

So the big question is - did I gamble? Yes. Did I win? Yes! How much? From $38 it grew to $120 - not bad huh? But I stopped before it became addicting. I didn't want to have Jaim drag me away from the slot machines with arms flailing. What else did I do? We walked the Strip at night, and a little bit in the morning. Went to M&M's Chocolate Factory, saw the city from 1,000 feet above at the Stratosphere, caught "O", a Cirque du Soleil show at the Bellagio and went on a sunset helicopter trip to the Grand Canyon - hands down the highlight of my trip. Absolutely beautiful and such an amazing experience. I have no words.

I honestly cannot wait for my next trip to Sin City.

P.S. Special thanks to Jaim for being the designated driver and more importantly her GPS which got us to all the places we needed to go to!

P.P.S. Photos to follow.

Reporting from the Midwest

The first leg of my US vacation was spent in the Midwest, particularly in Chicago, IL. My Tita Tel (Papa's sister) and Tito Ruben were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and it was for this reason that this US trip was primarily planned. Tita Tel and family migrated to the US in the late 80's and she is my dad's only sibling to be living outside of the Philippines.

I left Beijing at Thursday 5pm and landed in Chicago still on Thursday 5pm (hehe) after a 12-hour flight, due to the time difference. When I got to Chicago, Papa, Mama and Tata were already here. Immediately after dropping my bags off at my Tita's house, my cousins Robin (whom I have not seen for 5 years) and Tricia (whom I have not seen for 14 years!) and my sister headed to the cinemas for the first screening of the  

The next morning was spent shopping for a dress to be used during the wedding and reception, and then we had the rehearsal in the church for the renewal of wedding vows. The next day, Saturday, was the big day. Together with Rob and Tricia we got ready for the ceremony, which was at 2pm. It was a brief and intimate ceremony attended by family and close friends. After that we headed to the reception for... party time! I had a good time and I was very glad that I decided to come out here for the celebration.

Sunday was spent just lazing around the house; jet lag and fatigue finally caught up with me so I was asleep for most of the day. Or maybe it was just a prelude to the next day where we drove an hour to Aurora, IL for some... outlet shopping! On the way home we bought Cranium, Taboo and the Monopoly Here and Now edition and we ended up having game night - twas so much fun! On Tuesday we headed downtown to see the famous Chicago skyline, dropping by the Sears Tower, Millenium Park and Navy Pier. Wednesday was again shopping day, though we headed home early to pack.

So what do I think about Chicago? The weather this time of the year could definitely be better. It was cold on most days and it also snowed at some point. And although I am a fan of cold weather, having consistent below-10-degree days are not that fun, specially if you want to go out and see the city.

With Chicago having given me a first glimpse of the USA, I can tell that this entire country is consumer heaven. Everything and I mean everything seems to be here. Every need and every whim can be fulfilled in exchange for cash. In my side of the world, I can say we are not spoilt for choice this way. Many creature comforts are not really made available to us since as a people we can barely afford the necessities, let alone anything on top of that. But how easy and convenient it is to live like that (the qualifier, of course, being that you can afford it).

On the other hand I can see my relatives have built a good life for themselves here. My cousins have turned out to be very kind and fun people, and I can see that their life as a family is going well. I throughly enjoyed my stay there and I am also glad to have reconnected with my cousins whom I have not seen for so many years. I cannot wait to visit them again. But for now I am very much looking forward to the West Coast leg of my trip and I am extremely happy to be heading towards warmer weather!

High Hopes for a Grand Adventure

I had been impossibly busy on the days leading up to this vacation, that I haven't even had the chance to share with you guys just how excited I am to go on this trip. I have been planning and obsessing about this vacation for a month already, since I want to make the most out of this longest personal trip I've ever taken -- 18 days, woohoo!

I really wish Kuya and Ate Bew could join us, but then again there'll be other chances. Anyway I will be with family (Papa, Mama and Tata) for the most part, except for a few days in between when our itineraries would diverge, and then meeting up again towards the end of the trip.

So where am I headed? First it's The Windy City, or The Second City, or best known as US President-elect Barack Obama's hometown. It is also pseudo-Gotham City (Batman Begins and The Dark Knight were shot here) and home to my first ever sports hero Michael Jordan. Chicago is destination no. 1 primarily because my Tita Tel and Tito Ruben are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, which is the reason for this whole trip in the first place. We will be spending a week in Chicago, after which my family and I will go our separate ways for 4 days as they head to New York and me to the West Coast.

Destination no. 2 is California -- I will be flying into San Diego on Nov 27th and then meeting up with Jaim, and shortly thereafter (early next morning) driving to destination no. 3, Sin City -- Vegas baby!!! I heard we will be staying at the Venetian for a few days (thanks Ate Bam!). From Las Vegas, I really want to take that sunset helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon... I'm still thinking about it but I am 80% convinced that I should do it. As for the other activities in Vegas... well you know what happens there anyway. Funnnnn. :)

Then on Dec. 1st we will be leaving Vegas since Jaim has to go to class and work (loser!!! hehe joke lang). She will drop me off at Anaheim where I am again meeting up with my family. The next couple of days will of course be spent in Disneyland, Universal Studios and an LA tour which will take us to Hollywood. Tita Emie and family, who live in San Diego, will also come out to LA to be with us. On Dec. 5th my family is headed back to Manila, while I am staying back for a couple more days to explore LA some more. Jaim and I are headed to the Getty Museum and Santa Monica Pier and of course, the not-to-be-missed home of grrrrrrrrreat roller coasters, 6 Flags Magic Mountain!

All in all a pretty packed schedule but I really like traveling that way, making the most out of the trip. I can sleep and rest when I'm back home right? I hope everything goes to plan and that this turns out to be an grand and enjoyable adventure, otherwise I will be happy to just have lotsa fun during this time off and of course come back with a (significantly) heavier suitcase filled with goodies! :)

Harassed

This is it. I have to write. I am feeling restless and a hundred different things are running through my head. I had one month to plan everything but, according to the natural order of things (which I noticed I now currently use as my scapegoat for many situations that I find myself in), of course I left everything to the last minute.

Tasks to finish at work. Things to hand over. Pasalubongs to buy. Stuff to pack. Activities to plan and decide on. Tickets to book. All within the next 68 hours; 20 of which I have to spend in the office, and at least another 20 for sleeping, which leaves me with roughly 28 hours (including bathroom breaks and meals, which I most likely will forsake in favor of the above mentioned things to do). I could so freak out right now.

But, but, but, I have decided not to ruin the fun of it all by being stressed out about the trip -- this is supposed to be a vacation after all. I need to get rid of the stress and make way for excitement.

I'm trying to shake it off. Trying.

I'm No Fish Killer

Do you remember my old entry 'Fish and Relationships'? Well since that first couple of fighting fish which I stupidly put together (which according to Dan should not be done, since they'll try and kill each other, which they did), I have had several others. On my birthday, Irene gave me three new fish, two of which barely lasted a week.

I guess it's because of this that my friends tease me about being a Fish Killer. Which is ironic, because I have always had every intention of keeping them alive for as long as I could, until of course it becomes inconvenient for me... (i.e. cleaning the water every other day? come on!) Hence it's not killing. It's not murder. Just homicide.

Anyway here is attempt number three. I'm hoping to get it right this time. If the fish still die... this is really not my fault anymore!

I believe I gave my seven (yes seven!) new fish a good home: light, plants, more sand, better food, even a couple of white coral-looking rocks. But above all I put in an oxygen pump. It was a very significant and noticeable difference; the water doesn't become dirty as easily and the fish like to play with the bubbles. Well at least some of the bigger ones. The smaller ones seemed to be freaked out by the pressure, and for good reason, since the bubbles could very easily push them out of the way.

Now when I go home, I look forward to spending a few minutes with my fish and watching them swim -- no, more like wiggle around -- in their tank. They are so alive, that I think it's the oxygen making them all giddy and high. I find it both amusing and relaxing at the same time, and having other living creatures inside my apartment makes it feel a bit more homey and less empty.

What does this mean, you ask? Is this entry really just about the stupid fish? Or does it have something to do with relationships -- like most of Teng's entries seem to be???

Well, actually... this time, I prefer it to be just about the fish. :)

Turning Silver

Anyone who knows me well knows that birthdays hold a special place in my heart. I believe that you are given one day a year that's yours and that you should be happy, if not on any other day of the year, then at the very least on your birthday. I feel that friends and family owed it to you to make it special. People always say, "Nah it's just an ordinary day, don't make a big deal out of it." but everyone will always be pleasantly surprised when you do something special for them... which is also why I like going to extra lengths to arrange surprises and celebrations particularly for my (sometimes lonesome) expat friends here in Beijing.

But as November 3 rolled in, I did not know what to expect. And as always is the case when one does not expect, I was very pleasantly surprised... all day long!

Three "anonymous" bouquets, two surprise birthday cakes, one delicious ice cream cake, wonderful gifts, text messages, emails, Friendster messages and comments, Multiply guestbook entries and PM's, Yahoo offline messages, posts on my Facebook wall and countless other greetings later, I headed home feeling more than happy... I felt extremely loved.

For a single girl who lives alone and who's celebrating her 25th birthday in a foreign land, I really could not ask for more. :)

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I was looking for last year's birthday entry, here it is: A Day After, and I am happy to report that compared to the tone of last year's entry, this year's birthday was much happier. :)

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Photos here!

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Here's a blow-by-blow account of what went down on November 3, 2008:

12:02 am - First greeting received
1:00 am - I get to bed, feeling like a grade school kid anticipating a field trip. I couldn't sleep, for whatever reason!
6:30 am - Parents wake me up for a birthday call. I complain that I didn't need to be up until 8:00am! (But of course I was still touched; Papa's outrageously off-key rendition of happy birthday was just so funny!)
8:00 am - I drag myself out of bed, not having had enough sleep. Get ready for work.
9:00 am - I get to the office. First time I check my mobile phones. A bunch of messages have come into both China and Globe numbers. No one from my team greets me by the way!
9:30 am - Joyce comes over to wish me a happy birthday and gives me a box of Krispy Kreme donuts all the way from Hong Kong! Still no greeting from anyone in the team.
10:00 am - Haifa and I start planning the birthday dinner.
10:40 am - Invitations sent out for my birthday dinner @ Saveurs de Coree, a Korean place in one of Beijing's hip-happening hutongs.
11:00 am - Receptionist gives me a call, saying I've got some flowers. That put a smile on my face. =)
11:02 am - I walk out to reception to pick up the flowers and boy was I shocked. They were huge! Bouquet no. 1 had more than 4 dozen red roses in a giant arrangement. There was no card.
11:04 am - I return to my desk with the roses. Of course everyone in the team starts wondering why I got them and who they were from. I finally received birthday greetings then. Hehe.
12:10 pm - Me and my friends and some teammates leave for lunch. We were meeting Haifa and Gauri at the Thai place downstairs at 12:15 pm.
12:20 pm - I was starving so decided to not wait for Haifa and Gauri anymore. I ordered all my favorites–yum yum yum! I was happily eating.
12:30 pm - Already halfway through lunch with still no signs of Haifa and Gauri. I give Haifa a call and she says they're on their way and arriving in 5 minutes.
12:40 pm - Still no sign of Haifa and Gauri. I was starting to get suspicious. Also because the waiters were acting very weird as well!
12:45 pm - My friends walk in and of course they were singing and holding a lighted cake! Everyone was looking but we didn't care (suki na kami sa Thai resto na yun e) and I blew the candles on my first cake of the day. Black Forest from the China World bakery - yum!
1:30 pm - I return to the office to find a second bouquet of roses on my desk, with a card that read: "I know what you did last summer. Happy birthday! Love, Anonymous." Hahahaha that cracked me up, more so because I could recognize the handwriting! For sure it was either Gauri or Haifa, which they denied, of course.
3:00 pm - All of a sudden the lights go out, and in comes a couple of my teammates with Cake #2 for me. :) Blew the candles on cake #2, with the same wish I had for Cake #1. Who knows, maybe the more times you wish it, the better the chances of getting it!
6:00 pm - Left the office. Joyce helped me carry the giant bouquets home.
7:30 pm - We arrive at Nanluoguxiang for the birthday dinner. Food was quite good and that hutong (small street) is really cool.
8:00 pm - I receive a call from some Chinese guy. Another delivery is waiting in my apartment. I wonder who it's from. I ask it to be delivered to a friend's place since I'm out.
8:30 pm - Kuru says my 450D and LV don't go well together so I open my gift - a new Crumpler 5 Million Dollar Home camera bag. :)
9:30 pm - We finish dinner and head to Haagen Dazs for some dessert. Cake #3 is blown - again, I have the same wish. :)
11:00 pm - We walk home from Haagen Dazs and I enter an apartment filled with gifts and flowers. Such a nice feeling.
11:30 pm - As my birthday draws to a close, I reflect on the day I have just had. I think about how I'm going to write about it. I select the photos I'm going to post. But above all I relish in the warm-fuzzy-wonderful feeling of having family and friends who make me feel extremely loved - despite distance, time zone or cultural differences. Then I say a prayer, thanking Him for the past year and asking for guidance and protection for the next, not only for me but for my family and friends too.

All in all, an awesome birthday on all counts. I don't know how turning 26 can top that! :)

Stupid Movie

I had set out to stay in tonight and have some alone time after a pretty hectic past few weeks. Got some food delivered and passed by my suking DVD shop downstairs to get some movies to entertain me tonight. I picked up The Notebook; I know, I know what you're thinking -- pure mush. I've read the book but I've always wondered if the movie does live up to its 'tear-jerker' reputation. The other movie I picked up was Dan in Real Life starring Steve Carell. I figured I needed something to counter the depression that might stem from watching The Notebook. (Seriously, cover palang nung DVD with that couple kissing in the rain, parang alam mo na kaagad how it will make you feel!).

After a quick rating check from IMDB.com (The Notebook was rated a surprising 8.0/10, while Dan in Real Life was only 7.0/10) I decided to watch Dan in Real Life first. No point rushing into lovesick mode with that other movie.

Ten minutes into the movie I was still waiting for the comedy to come. Where is the funny man that I know Steve Carell to be? The Steve Carell of The 40 Year Old Virgin and Evan Almighty? The legendary Michael Scott of The Office? Well the movie turned out to be more touching than I had wanted it to be. I can imagine feeling less emotional than if I had watched The Notebook, because at least that movie would have just been pure mush while this movie... This movie... It was real. And I hated it for being real. More than just romantic love, it was about family and bonding. The soundtrack didn't help too. It was good. Appropriate and good. And so I sat through it -- 

...listening to lines like, "Love is not a feeling, it's an ability." Crap.

...watching Dan's relationship with his daughters unfold.

...taking in all that family love while trying to curb the pangs of homesickness.

So there. This is what I get for wanting to sit at home and watch a comedy movie to take my mind off things. Note to self: Next time, try to find out more about the storyline before watching the film. Be better prepared.

Ironically, Dan from the movie debunks that whole statement. As his last words go: Be prepared to be surprised.

Hay, maka tulog na nga.

Random Random

Better to have a blog entry with random thoughts than to not have a blog entry at all. :)

* * *
Goodbye to the Rebel who served me well
I said goodbye to my Canon Rebel today. At this very moment my beloved 400D is on its way to its new owner - my (extremely lucky) younger sister. (who I dunno what she did to deserve it - D sa unit test!!!). I hear she's aspiring to be a photojournalist. Tata, use my camera well, ok?

* * *
Work woes
A lot of people have been having work woes lately. Me included. My family and friends have advised me to just look forward to my vacation plans (I'm leaving Nov. 20th!!!) but the thing is... I don't really want to be one of those people whose only source of happiness are their days off from work.

But then again, of course it is a personal decision to get one's tired ass to work everyday. Just another one of those poisons we pick ourselves.

* * *
Non-acrophobic wanted
Jaim!!! Heli ride ha! Don't bail out on me!

I am yet to find a travel buddy who's not deathly afraid of heights. I mean, I too am afraid but I do try. And I love roller coasters! Bungee jumping is next. John Rae, idol kita diyan. Dadasalan ko muna yung Macau Tower. Last night Jaybee and I were discussing it and I was getting clammy hands just thinking about standing on the edge right before the plunge. Katakot!!!

* * *
Homesick nanaman
It's been 3 months since I last went home. In keeping with my biological clock (hehe) I am feeling homesick again. The fact that Papa mentioned that they are headed to Subic for the weekend totally did not help. I miss our family roadtrips! And Subic, though I've been there many times, is a welcome respite from the hustle and bustle of Manila.

Kelan kaya ako uuwi... for good?

* * *
Events Galore
To make the days pass more quickly so that the next thing I know it's Nov. 20, I've been trying to book my evenings as well. So next week on the 29th I will be watching Lea Salonga in the Cinderella musical - they're here in Beijing for 5 days. Then I have tickets for Kanye West's Glow in the Dark tour on Nov. 1st - yahoo!

And then of course there's that day... Third day of the eleventh month of the year. Will it be an event? Or will it be just another Monday? Who cares, when I'm turning 25?! Waaaah! I'm sticking to age 24. Haha. Walang kokontra!

When was the last time someone made you smile?

I have had a quite productive day. Work, work, work -- just like I used to be. Just like how it's supposed to be. (Hehe.)

So earlier as I was click-clacking on my keyboard, all of a sudden I realized that the muscles on my face feels too slack. I tried moving my lips around and then it hit me... I need to smile more! I thought to myself - someone please make me smile.

Then I started writing this blog entry. I was supposed to ask you guys to hit me with your best joke so I can sit here and laugh my ass off. But fast forward to 5:30pm, with this entry not quite finished, a friend came over to my seat and we chatted for a while. As we were laughing about some stuff he suddenly quips, "I am happy to see that I've made you smile."

I think God was listening when I asked for someone to make me smile. Now I don't feel so ho-hum anymore. :)

The Product of Late-night Conversations

It's been a couple of weeks since I have had a housemate (hi Jaybee!) and I can no longer remember the last time I have had enough hours of sleep. I'm not complaining though, for in the same regard I have been more regular in going to the gym thanks to his incessant prodding, and watching Pinoy movies with someone who actually understands the dialogue is always fun. But really, I'm not complaining, mostly because more often than not the reason for staying up late is good conversation, about all things under the sun (and over it): from the current economic recession to relationships and marriage, from strategic career planning to grade school and high school experiences; from the things that Jaybee thinks Teng has missed out on and the other way around.

However all this talk has encouraged me to reconsider a lot of things too. The fact that I am counting down to my 25th birthday is not helping; cliche as it sounds, quarter-life crises seem to be real for many people (my lolas and I included!). All of a sudden I insist on finding answers to rhetorical questions. I seem to be more stubborn with my beliefs and resist things that do not come with a logical, rational explanation. I even more adamantly refuse to accept justifications like "that's just the way things work", "that's life" and "ganun talaga". And yet, it also feels like being backed up against a wall - a thick, big, solid wall. Because, after all, what can you do if neither yourself nor anyone else can give you a satisfactory explanation of life's experiences?

There was a time when I felt I could fight for all my convictions, but now I feel I've run out of fuel, that fuel called youth. Youth is a great excuse, if not the single best excuse... for trying crazy things, making rash decisions, throwing caution to the wind... and above all, for taking your sweet time figuring things out. But heck, no one's getting any younger. Maybe it's time to take a long hard look at those convictions and try to open myself up to new ones... new things to believe in.

It ain't easy. The risk-averse, starry-eyed manang is embedded in me. She's the one who sits on the couch on late evenings staring out into the night, thinking, worrying, reflecting, swirling thoughts around in her head trying to make sense of them, and in this cycle she's probably speeding up her ageing process. She's idealistic, unfalteringly believing in the best of things and the best of people and refusing to be jaded despite having seen terrible things and even more terrible people. She's also the one who believes in old school love, having witnessed many instances that prove to her that there's nothing wrong believing in it and that one day it could happen to her as well.

I feel I must say goodbye to the manang who believed in all things good and beautiful and romantic, and how they will unravel in the way she saw it in her head. Or at least, I shouldn't let her surface too often. It kind of gets tiring, how people keep telling me I'm too idealistic when the world out there is not the least bit as perfect as I imagine it would be.

Youth was my great excuse for idealism, but soon enough it will no longer be on my side. My doubts will, slowly but surely, eat up what's left of the hope I once had that life is, for the most part, fair. So before that happens, allow me a little indulgence for my idealistic self and end on a hopeful note: Life's not fair, but it can still be good!

Walalang.

True to the natural order of things, just when we ended our week-long holiday, the weather decided to take a turn for the better and today we have a beautiful clear sky. As luck would have it, today I am also back to being bound by the glass panels of the office such that the blue skies (a rarity in Beijing) can only be enjoyed from behind my monitor.

There really is nothing much for me to write about, but I thought I owed it to myself to 'maintain' this blog despite the rather languid pace that my life has taken for the past week. The seven-day holiday was spent like this:

Day 1: Desperate Housewives marathon.
Day 2: 4 batches of laundry; Jaybee arrives.
Day 3: China's National Day, we stupidly headed to the Forbidden City together with half the city's population. Rewarded ourselves with a good dinner at desserts though.
Day 4: Went to Ritan Park for lunch. Good weather and good Chinese food.
Day 5: Partied, and rightly so; it was a Friday night! It was fuuuuuuun. :)
Day 6: Back to being good. We went to the gym. Then feasted on Adobo to gain all that lost weight back. Haha.
Day 7: Had Pinoy-style spaghetti for dinner. Work mode starting to creep back in, but I had severe holiday hangover. Couldn't sleep till 3am today.

I'm again hitting the expat down cycle and now just looking forward to getting off work (i.e. 6pm, weekends and the vacation I'm planning for November). I'm quite happy though that Jaybee is here to keep me company for another couple of weeks; it's great to have someone to speak Filipino with, although that makes it difficult (and irritating) to switch back to English when I have to.

So there. I know the last week was too la-di-dah and did not warrant a blog entry, but I was worried that people were starting to miss me. Hehe joke lang.

Second anniversary na namin 'to tsong.

For my friend Aprille, a recent joiner to the overseas Pinoys club. :)

It's been 731 days since I moved to Beijing and about as many ups and downs, life lessons, breakdowns, happy moments, triumphs, tears and laughter over this span of time.

A few years ago I read from an Arlene Chai book a few lines about migrants having two "homes" and how, no matter which home they are going to, they are always leaving another one behind; missing the sights and smells and sounds of one as they go rushing to the other. Now I know exactly how it feels. Exactly.

I spent the better part of these two years wishing everyday that time would pass swiftly by, that one day I would wake up and it will be time to go home. But it is inevitable to create a home and a life right where you are in the present, despite knowing and resolving that your situation is temporary, despite knowing that you will one day return to where you came from.

And so Beijing is also home to me now. The sights and smells and sounds of this city, like any other, has its good and bad sides. But I accept it for what it is, with only the occassional judgement, and I appreciate it for everything it has taught me. It's not perfect by any means, but I am loyal to this city and I snap back to anyone who talks trash about it.

Today I am compelled to look back and reflect on the direction my life has taken. 'Two years in a foreign city' never came up in any of my plans when I was younger, but having been through it, I realize this chapter of my life has been indispensable. I am also indebted to my parents for giving me both roots and wings. I wouldn't have it any other way. And when I have kids in the future I would encourage them to live in a foreign land once; I think it will help them become well-rounded individuals and see that there is a big, big world out there that can be not just discovered but experienced.

So I guess, the one-year countdown to the end of my Beijing contract officially begins today. But really, by now I should already know that plans are just plans, and just as easily changed.

Who knows where I'll find myself a day, a week, a month, a year from now? :)

Weekend in Qingdao

People from the office have commented that I looked like death, but instead of being bothered, I am somehow pleased about it. Rarely do I have reasons to be this tired, and the weekend that has just passed, despite leaving me looking (and feeling) like road kill, was in fact good fun.

Qingdao is a small port city located an hour's flight south of the capital. It sits right next to the sea so the expat crew from good old land-locked Beijing was more than happy to make their way to Qingdao for the weekend for some sun and surf. It was just icing on the cake that the city has just commenced its annual Beer Festival. (Yeah right! Hehe.)

I'm not a big beer drinker so I didn't join any of the drinking contests; I left that to the thousands of Chinese guzzlers who turned up for the festival and most of whom enjoyed gawking at our group because we looked like a United Nations contingent. 12 people, 10 nationalities. We had people from Hong Kong, the Netherlands, Turkey, Sweden, Kenya, Denmark, Tunisia, Australia, India and of course yours truly representing the Philippines. So I guess that freaked the locals out a little bit. Only a little bit.

Anyway aside from their fascination with beer, the locals also have a penchant for walking around the city in their beach wear. I guess that's what you get for living next to the sea. That also made people-watching a very enjoyable activity; the pace of life was not at all frantic and perfect for a relaxed weekend of strolling. Of course strolling takes its toll as well (case in point: today's muscle pain), but at least I just feel exhausted, not wasted.

All in all it was a fun weekend. We all need to get away from this crazy city once in a while. But now I'm feeling restless again... I need another project, or trip, something to plan. Or a haircut. Or maybe a new job. (Hehe where did that come from?) Anyway, photos to follow. Right now I have to go back to fantasizing about going back home and crawling into bed. An hour and a half to go...

Makes Me Wonder

I am once again weighing my options in anticipation of the end of my China stint. My time is up by September 2009, but as per company expatriation policy I will be able to leave for repatriation (i.e. going back to my home base organization, which is the Philippines) as early as six months prior to the expiration of my contract. Hence before we all know it, I could very well be headed back to the motherland by April 2009. (On a related note: I hope this serves as a warning to those who promised to visit me in Beijing! The clock is ticking, my friends!)

As I continue to ponder on my next move, I occasionally get these waves of desire to go back home. It's one giant tsunami of nostalgia washing over me, and it drowns out all thought of aggressive pursuit of ambitions and stretched career goals, even the low salary levels and inconveniences that come hand in hand with returning to the Philippines. I immediately switch to the stubborn, irrational Scorpio that I am - just wanting what I want, period. No explanations owed to anyone, not even my own self.

I have often fantasized about living in Manila again -- weekend lunches with the family... Seeing my friends anytime I want to... Impromptu reunions... Going for out-of-town roadtrips... Exploring domestic travel destinations... Driving to Tagaytay on a whim... Drowning my problems in funny stories and alcohol... Fun videoke nights belting E-heads songs... Speaking Filipino... In short, living the life I should have been living for the past two years, had I been home.

Now that I have the chance to return, it makes me wonder why I am even considering any other options apart from this one.

Thoughts on a Gloomy Tuesday

The previous title to this entry was "Bad Girls Always Win" in reference to how BC has chosen to pursue this certain girl which needless to say is the one the title is referring to. But then I decided against it, having realized I have no right to judge the people he wishes to pursue, and more so no right to project my own bitterness towards her.

Hence let me just discuss my feelings towards myself.

I have long tried rationalizing my actions by saying that I'm just another girl who likes a guy. I mean, who hasn't been there at one point in their lives? Giving the person you like special favors, special treatment - always special something. It's but natural when you are trying to win someone over, isn't it? But yeah, there is this moment where you see things as they really are, and in that moment I saw myself and what I had a risk of becoming: a pathetic loser.

Which is why I have also decided to put an end to this. And yes I know what you'll be saying - that you've heard this all before (mas feel pag tagalog... alam kong sasabihin niyo, "Narinig ko na yan!") and I agree with you fully if you say that. At this point I have no excuses. I won't defend myself and why I didn't heed the warning signs indicating that BC is really nothing more than a kamote trying to pass himself off as human. I won't even justify the perhaps undeserved kindness that I've shown him over the past few months. At this point I now just expect all of you good friends to be like that compassionate, loving father who says, "Kung sa'n ka masaya, suportahan ta ka."

I am no loser, and I'll never be one for anyone. Tama na ang kahibangang ito! I am fabulous. I believe I have a lot to offer. I am a soul of gold so...

Darna!

Hahaha. Yeah I'm just trying to cheer myself up with this entry and so far it's working. :)

* * *

I was deleting old mails and came across these few lines I had written about BC a few months back. I sent it to Jaybee and not quite sure why I didn't post it in my blog.

Although these words are now just saccharine mush to me, re-reading it reminded me of how powerful an inspiration a 'muse' can be, and how easy words flow when you have someone to write them for.

You're such a smooth talker - I'm not quite sure if you know. I wonder if you really mean what you say, or if you simply know how to pull at my strings, and you just want to try and see what happens. How would I respond? Would I blush? Or perhaps, come back with a sarcastic remark? Would I laugh and just shrug it off as one of your casual jokes?

You don't know but these quips of yours end up as highlights of my day. Believe me, I try to not let them be. But then I would just find myself telling the story to anyone who would listen. And every time I recall and retell, it still would make me smile. Despite the uncertainty of your intentions and sincerity, it still makes me smile. People expect me to know better than to think your words are real... But as I said, you're such a smooth talker, and your words just glide through to me, and I can't... can't help it... that it does.

But, like I said, these were written months back. Old lines, old feeling.

Frustration with a capital F

There aren't enough hours in a day to waste. I can't believe the long weekend is over and that I will be headed back to work in a few hours. I am so not in the mood to go back to work. So I guess the smart thing to do is... while away my frustration at this ungodly hour by answering another survey.

What were you doing last Friday night?
- Had a good dinner at a Middle Eastern restaurant then watched an excellent Hindi movie called Lagaan, which converted me into an Aamir Khan fan overnight. :)

Name something you did yesterday?
- Watched Wedding Crashers on DVD

Last person you text messaged?
- Jaim

Who was the last person to call you?
- Mark

Next time you travel out of the country where will it be?
- US... If I get my visa.

What color are your eyes?
- Really dark brown that it's almost black. Like everyone from home.

Are you allergic to anything?
- Glitter... and rude people.

Last place you ordered food from?
- Ganges. Indian food.

Who knows lots of secrets about you?
- Good friends. And my sister.

When was the last time you lied?
- Can't remember...

Do you like fire? Why?
- I like it the normal amount, for pragmatic purposes.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
- Jeans.

Do you want to be a teacher?
- Sometimes I think I do. I'm just afraid I won't have enough patience.

Is anyone jealous of you?
- Not that I know of. Hehe.

Have any regrets?
- Every once in a while, but I try not to think about it.

Is cheating ever okay?
- No. I quite judge people who cheat.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
- A Beijing cab driver.

What are you looking forward to?
- Salary adjustment this month, Jaybee visiting in October and the US trip in November. :)

What's your name spelled backwards?
- inibam ademarrab enna enitsirhc

What did you do last night?
- Game night at Irene's. We played the Beijing version Monopoly and I won! :)

The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
- Come A Little Bit Closer by Brandy - that's because of you Mariel! :)

Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
- Thank God I've never been that bored. Hehe.

Last time you swam in a pool?
- A couple of weeks ago. In Alexander.

What are you wearing?
- Sleep wear

How many cars have you owned?
- Technically, none that I've bought with my own money.

Type of music you dislike most?
- Heavy metal

Are you registered to vote?
- Yep

Do you have cable?
- Yep, like 70 Chinese channels that I have no use of.

What kind of computer do you use?
- A black Macbook

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
- Yes!

Furthest place you ever traveled?
- Europe

What's your favorite comic strip?
- Does Far Side count? There's also a witty one on Inquirer but I don't know what it's called.

Do u know all the words to the national anthem?
- I better!

Shower, morning or night?
- Preferably both

Best movie you've seen in the past month?
- Lagaan

Favorite pizza toppings?
- Beef, mushroom, garlic and extra cheese. Hay I miss A Veneto.

What cell phone provider do you have?
- Globe and China Mobile

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
- Does personality day count? When I was in grade 6 I think. Haha

Orange juice or Apple?
- Apple

Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
- My best Beijing girls Haifa and Gauri

Favorite chocolate bar?
- Rittersport White Chocolate with Hazelnuts and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (does my second one count?)

Who is your longest friend and how long?
- Elaine. About 13 years.

Ever thrown up in public?
- Hahahaha once and it's something I would love to forget. Hehehe

Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
- The latter, but I wonder if they are mutually exclusive...

Do you believe in love at first sight?
- Attraction, yes. Love, I doubt.

Where would you like to go right now?
- Anywhere I can be with family and good friends. Preferably with some good Pinoy food and booze... and throw in a beautiful sunset as well. :)

Survey. Not useful for you... Don't read.

Mariel tagged me. Too lazy to work. You were warned.

What/who's your favorite...
activity: doing nothing. then spending money.
sport: to watch, basketball.
number: 3
color(s): red, black, white. and yellow, on more cheerful days.
person: naman, too many.
day & month: friday, december
outfit: work suits. hehe. and anything i look good in.
clothing brand: nike
shopping store(s): Carrefour... hehe
brand of makeup: clinique, red earth
'saying': hehe
collection in your younger years: letters from friends
collection in present: gadgets
book: rage of angels
teacher: ma'am adeva
school subject: AV Comm and Speech Comm and Geometry. Nerdox.
game(s): Taboo and Cranium
restaurant/fastfood: jollibee for life
pop/juice/alcoholic/any drink: coke light, nestea iced tea, watermelon juice, mugua niunai (some kind of papaya drink with milk)
fruit: banana and good mangoes.
chocolate bar/candy: ritter sport hazelnut in white chocolate! and snickers, ok na rin.
dish: my papa's adobo, my papa's sinigang, my papa's caldereta
potato chips: ruffles cheddar and sour cream or lay's sour cream
icecream flavor: pistachio on some brands. and anything chunky.
actor & actress: adam sandler and drew barrymore
cartoon character: uhm, pooh? hehe
singer & band: eraserheads and APO hiking society
song: right now, take it from here by justin timberlake
music genre(s): hip hop, r&b, acoustic
tv show(s): friends, grey's anatomy, gossip girl, heroes, desperate housewives
tv channel(s): discovery channel (can you blame me, yan lang ang available)
animated movie: monsters inc, toy story, finding nemo. the disney classics
recent movie(s): dreamgirls, hairspray
three movies: moulin rouge, patch adams, wedding singer
movie genre(s): anything but action and scary movies
website(s): www.postsecret.com, www.facebook.com
flower: lilies
animal: puppies
season: spring and fall
winter activity: staying in and watching dvd's
holiday: christmas and new year and my birthday
place you have lived: manila, cebu, beijing
spot to hang out: a friend's apartment
vacation spot: jiuzhaigou, and i've always wanted to see brazil.

Petiks Kung Petiks

Tapos na ang maliligayang araw ng pagpetiks. Masaklap. Papasok na ulet yung department head namin sa Tuesday. Balik trabaho nanaman ako. Ang mahirap dun, tinatamad na ko sa position ko.

Feeling ko malakas talaga ang tendency ko magsawa... Kailangan after at least a year eh may mga pagbabago sa ginagawa ko or else I start getting frustrated hence stop working. Yung manager ko dati kahit papano namomotivate ako na magtrabaho, kasi I'm very open to her about feeling like crap about my job and she somehow finds a way to get me back on track. Kaya lang nag-resign na siya. So kailangan kong bunuin to mag-isa.

Wala lang. Daming laman ng to-do list pero mas gugustuhin ko pa na malintikan sa department head namin pagbalik niya kaysa gawin ko yung mga nasa listahan na yun. Yun ang nakakatakot dun... Yung wala na kong takot. Petiks kung petiks.

Sa sobrang tamad ko ngayon ni hindi na ako gumamit ng English sa blog na ito. Nakakatamad talaga. Countdown na lang bago mag-weekend.

*yawn*

Mind Games: Necessary Evil?

When I first started liking Boy Chekwa, many of my close friends immediately found out about it. I'm open like that - since I'm also often excited about sharing stories and 'conquests'. Needless to say my friends have their own opinions on how I should go about this and how to eventually hook that elusive Chekwa.

Perhaps the most common advice I get from friends has something to do with:
- not always being available to him

- not being too nice to him

- not inviting him to activities too often

- not seeing him so often

- not doing him any favors

...you get the idea. I understand where they're coming from; it does not mean I advocate it though. I still get confused whether to follow this advice, or act according to my natural instincts. And natural for me is being nice to people I like - platonic friends included.

You see I'm no expert in flirting, dating or relationships, but what little experience I have has taught me that you can win people over by plain old treating them nicely and showing them who you really are. Some people take longer to notice that you could be what they've been looking for, but generally they all end up realizing that sooner or later. Or at least that's what I'd like to believe.

The sheer number of friends who have been encouraging me to play mind games with BC is just... well, sheer. So many people tell me that this is the way to go; but I've never been good at mind games which is why I am more than happy to not follow this advice. But tell me, is this really how things are supposed to work? Am I really too hopeful and idealistic to think that being nice to him will actually win him over? Or do men really enjoy the thrill of the chase, so much so that they are blind to other simpler women with whom what you see is what you get?
Anyway, at the end of the day I know I'm going to act according to what my heart tells me and according to what makes me happy. I'm just rather curious – if everyone else in this world were actually playing mind games with each other, how can other people still end up together and stay together? At some point I guess the games would have to stop and everyone must let down their guard – it just kind of makes me wonder why anyone would even bother to start playing these games in the first place.

Fork in the Road

In 22 days, I will begin to count down my last year in China.

It still surprises me that it has been two years since I first landed in this city. It was September 27, 2006 when I took that flight to Beijing. Bagyong Milenyo was rampaging Manila at that time and we were the last flight to take off for the day - all others were cancelled. Talk about my sheer luck.

I have spent the better part of my first year here wishing I could fast forward to 2009 and also going home every couple of months on average. Now for some reason, I wish I could pause time... I just need it to stop ticking, stop the countdown for a while as I decipher my next move.

It's not so much the leaving that bothers me; it's more of the fact that I am again facing make-or-break decisions. Another fork in the road. And as the years go by, the decisions only get harder and harder, and the number of choices seem to multiply exponentially over time.

I have been lucky in life for the most part - and I thank God and all my lucky stars for that - but for this same reason I have developed a sort of 'pre-risk' aversion. I call it that because I spend a lot of time worrying about what decisions to take, but I am not scared to take the plunge once the decision has been made. Imagine being scared about deciding whether or not to enter a dark cave... but once you step inside you feel a sense of calm and acceptance about your decision, and resolve to just hope against hope that the choice you made turns out to be the right one. You also resolve not to go running out of that cave anytime soon. That's how this pre-risk aversion works for me.

The rational, logical, business suit-clad part of me says there's always a way to calculate risk, and the best decisions are the informed ones. On the other hand, the life-loving, passionate, impulsive part of me that rocks to Eheads songs tells me that when I stand there before the fork in my road, my heart will know what's best for me. In many previous life decisions I have made -- like which course to take in college and what school to go to and which company to work for and whether or not I should stay in the MISE program and whether to choose location vs. position for expatriation -- there seems to have been some sort of compromise between logic and passion.

Should I stay? Should I go? Where should I go? What do I want?

I can feel my palms starting to sweat just thinking about it.

I will just have to find a way to work out that same balance between logic and passion this time. Pray to God my brain doesn't explode from too much thinking!

My Olympic Experience

WARNING: Partially emote entry.
(hanep sa title parang pang grade school formal theme writing. heheh)

I thought I'd write a long, grand post-Olympic entry but in true Teng fashion the thoughts are all a-jumbled in my head. That's why it has taken me a week to post this. I don't even know where to start. The past two weeks have been a mess of Opening Ceremonies and event tickets and scalpers and scams and gold medals and broken world records, to say the least, that even I was caught up in the frenzy.

Let me start out with the most seemingly life-changing experience. I know it's corny, but the first time I stood in the Olympic green, surrounded by a well-lit Bird's Nest and Water Cube, I wanted to cry. Very similar to what I felt when I first saw St. Peter's Basilica, or actual falling snow. It was overwhelming standing there. I was in awe. What can I say? If five years ago somebody had told me I'd be witnessing the 2008 Olympics with my very eyes, I would probably have laughed my ass off and said, "Heller!".

The thing is, nothing can change where I came from; I'm still just a simple girl from a developing country, and in most ways I think we were brought up to be unassuming. Blame it on the third-world effect. As a kid, I never expected actually going to these places that I've been to in the last few years. I wished, yes, but never expected. But God... what a way to prove me wrong! I am humbled to have been here and to have experienced this.

ANYWAY!

Onto other lighter stuff:
1. I think Yao Ming is way overrated (and I know millions of Chinese will kill me for that statement!). But I think it's the celebrity status that makes him such a hero and not the other way around. That's just my personal opinion.

2. Nakakaloka yung performance ng London nung closing! Kinda gives you an idea of what the 2012 Olympics will be like... A bunch of pop artists, a violinist in skimpy hot pants and David Beckham. Hehe.

3. The Bird's Nest and Water Cube has a combined seating capacity of 108,000, and yet getting in and out of the venues was easier than getting across one end of SM Southmall to the other during their 3-day sale. I guess that only means... SM Southmall needs better crowd control.

4. Line 10 is a God-send. For the Olympics, several new subway lines were built, including an Airport Express Line (just like HK's) and Line 10, with a station directly in front of my apartment building and connects directly to the Olympic Green!

5. One of my biggest discoveries of this Olympics is an Indian boxer by the name of Vijender Kumar (you'll see him in my Olympics album). Vijender won for India their first medal in Boxing, ever. It was by chance that I got to watch him, since he was competing on the same night when Harry Tanamor, the Filipino boxer, was supposed to be competing if he had gotten through the qualifying round. Anyway, it was fun cheering for Vijender - I never knew boxers could be so attractive. Si Manny kasi e. Na-stereotype ko na tuloy ang mga boxers. Hehe.

Needless to say the Summer Olympics 2008 will forever be one of my most significant memories in Beijing... And now I have nothing left to say.

P.S. I am have now officially named my little blue fishie "Phelps". Isn't that a great name! :)

Tossing and Turning (Random thoughts entry)

After having recovered from last week's social boredom, I am yet again facing another problematic habit - having trouble falling asleep. Yeah maybe it's not a habit, because for the most part it is something that I cannot control. I lie on my bed with the lights out, but my mind is completely lucid and is working in overdrive. And when I eventually fall asleep, I awake every couple of hours for no reason, hence by the time 8am rolls around and it's time to head to work, I am dragging my dead-tired, unrested body to the shower.

Let me unload some of my random thoughts, maybe this will help.

1. A Filipino will be competing during today's taekwondo event that I'm watching, and in the diving event on Friday. I so badly want to believe that there's still hope for a medal, but...

2. Salamat Jaim sa bigay mong iTunes gift certificate. Sa wakas nadagdagan ko na yung games ng iPod ko. Nakakaadik yung tatlong games na na-download ko. Monopoly is the best.

3. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta during the October holidays. Parang corny naman kung uuwi nanaman ako. (Ops Teng seryoso ikaw ba yan?!)

4. Masaya naman si blue fishie, sa totoo lang. He swims up and down his bowl and is so energetic, that it really convinces me that maybe he did kill the red fish. Possessive si blue fishie ko and he only wants the bowl (and perhaps the owner as well?) to himself. Hehe.

5. Naka-shuffle songs mode ang iPod ko. Ang tugtog: Your love is the greatest gift of all. (It's not the flowers wrapped in fancy paper...) Hahaha may naaalala ako sa kantang ito and it involves a 1/2 lengthwise piece of paper (also known as 1/3!). Hahaha walalang.

6. Ber na next month. Pasko nanaman... o kay tulin ng araw.

7. I am trying to memorize the Chinese song Beijing Huanying Ni (Beijing Welcomes You - watch it here with the English subtitles) - it's one of the official Olympic songs. Wala lang, achievement lang pag talaga ngang na-memorize ko yun. Next time you see me maybe you can ask me to sing it. Hehe. Beijing huanying ni, you mengxiang shei dou liaobuqi, you yongqi jiuhui you qiji... Amazing that I can even write that. I still can't believe sometimes that I can speak (even a little bit of) Chinese.

Okay, now I'm feeling sleepy. Hmm. Writing worked. Interesting. I'm off, before this sleepiness wears off again.

The Low-down on Last Week

My shitty week seems to have been cause for concern for some of my friends, who have been asking me what went down last week that was, well, so shitty. Honestly I also cannot pinpoint the cause of last week's gloom (and I'm pretty sure it was not just the famous Beijing pollution weather that was weighing me down). I felt irate, miserable and exhausted for no apparent reason. My theory was that since the Olympics was here, it was sucking out all the positive energy for all other life forms in Beijing. But then again, that's just me and my weird theories.

Anyway I'm finding it difficult to write about it since I am feeling so much better now. But let's see...

I guess one of the main reasons why I was so down was because most of my good friends were out of town for the week, all at the same time. And the ones left in Beijing were busy with a lot of other things... Don't ask me what they were, I don't know too. Basically that left me with nothing to do during my weekday evenings except stay home and watch DVD's. And reflect on how sad my life has become, therefore plunging me into deeper despair.

Add to that the troubles I've been going through at work (see previous entry on le bitch). Jaybee of course had something to say about that. Last Thursday morning, as I was complaining to him about the general misery that is my work life, he tells me, "There are more thrills outside the walls of your company and that job you take so seriously." That more or less kicked me out of my rut - reminding me that if work's a bitch then I must remember that there is still stuff that happen after 6pm to look forward to.

I also realized one other thing - that, at work, maybe I was taking the most inconsequential of things a little bit too seriously. I must admit that the past few weeks I have lost my focus, leading me to pay too much attention to things that in fact should not matter - le bitch included... other examples being blogging on Multiply during work hours. Hehe. So now I am slowly shifting my focus on rightfully important things like salary negotiations and working my butt off for another promotion. Weeeehhhhhh asa pa! But yeah you get what I mean.

After everything is said and done, like I mentioned in my previous entry, I have emerged from it relatively unscathed and I am now back to my baseline sometimes-cheerful-sometimes-irritable self. And now I have to quickly end this - I'm running off to the Bird's Nest to see Athletics Women's finals; six medals are up for grabs! :)

Finally, goodbye week 33!

I had written this rather long entry about how thankful I was that this week was coming to an end. But for some reason when I was about to publish it, I got an error, and then it was gone.

Anyway, honestly the past five days have definitely been one of the longest and painfully slow weeks I have had in quite a while. But I have emerged from it rather unscathed and will just be filing it as some days 'better left forgotten.'

Guess all I wanted to say is not to worry, I've gotten myself and my life back in order now and hopefully will not plunge back to sadness like I did the past week anytime soon. I'll be watching a number of Olympic events this week so that ought to cheer me up. I just found out that even if Philippines was eliminated at boxing on the first round (I was supposed to watch him tomorrow if he qualified), I will still catch a couple of Filipino athletes during the Men's Taekwondo and Men's 10m springboard preliminaries on Wednesday and Friday respectively. So that's a happy thought. :)

Hope you guys had a better week than I did, and happy weekend everyone! :)

Unfinished Business

I feel that it is so characteristic of me to just suddenly stop in mid-thought or mid-sentence, for no apparent reason. Going through my blog, this is also evident; I found these entries that I will most likely never get around to finishing. The moment has passed and the thoughts have fled, never to be relived.

Sometimes the reason why I do not finish my entries is because the things I am feeling then are too complex for words. So much so that I need to pause and work out exactly what I want to say before I attempt to express them. And that pause sometimes turns into, well, complete abandonment of the attempt.

Anyway... just out of curiosity – which one of these would you like to continue reading?

===

1.
Fight or Flee
Nov 28, '07 1:43 PM

When I was in high school, back when mobile phones were a new fad, text was cheap, and I was a "factory" for love quotes of all kinds -- tragic tales, happy endings, romantic moments, heart-breaking confessions, unrequited affections, bumpy relationships -- I came across this one quote that I felt exemplified me and the way I see love:

"Don't be fooled into believing that letting go means you love best; instead, fight for your love -- that's what true love is all about."

I guess getting older means questioning many things in life, including the way you handle relationships.

===

2.
No Other Place
Dec 25, '07 4:00 PM

Last week, I was so worked up about going back home for the holidays that I was extra-cheerful in the office. I came to work with a silly giant smile on my face and was playing Christmas carols since all the big bosses had already gone on vacation.

One afternoon, my boss asks, "Don't you get tired of going nowhere else but the Philippines?"

Without skipping a beat, I replied, "Honestly, there's no other place I'd rather be."

And a few seconds after that, on second thought, it suddenly hit me just how true this statement was.

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3.
Meet new friends, but keep the old
Jun 23, '08 5:27 PM

Meet new friends
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other is gold.

Was it our trusty PE teacher Mrs. Ruiz who taught us this song back in high school? She must be proud. I still remember.

That song quite appropriately describes the rough weekend that was. An old feeling called homesickness decided to pay me a visit. It was no longer familiar, actually; it caught me by surprise, because it likewise brought with it one of my other enemies - loneliness.

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4.
Pushing the envelope
Jul 14, '08 12:57 AM

I am happy that I still manage to surprise myself every now and then. The things that I get into nowadays... I sometimes wonder what I do to find myself in those situations.

I have lived a very sheltered life, and more often than not I feel that I do try to keep to a sheltered life. I was never one to take too many risks and people who know me well also know that I enjoy my me-time.

This new social lifestyle is exactly that – entirely new to me.

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Fish and Relationships

I had this idea that it would be cool to have more living things in my apartment. My friend Arjun, who moved to Hong Kong in May, left a small plant in my care but it eventually gave up on me; so last week I unceremoniously threw it away (sorry Arjun!) and headed to Nurenjie to pick up some new pets.

I got two tropical fish – one red, one blue. I put them in this nice bowl with dark sand and a few aquatic plants. I was so happy watching them swimming around and checking on them every once in a while, despite the teasing I received from friends about how dumbo it was to get fish as pets. Anyway I racked my brains for the perfect names for my fishies, and was leaning towards Tracy and Link, from the main characters of Hairspray.

The happiness was short-lived though as, when I came back home from work on Tuesday, the red fish was (yup you guessed it) no more. She (by virtue of her color I have decided that she is female), like many fishes I have seen dead before her, was motionless on the aquarium floor and shortly afterwards was floating belly-up near the surface of the water.

For a few moments I mourned the loss of my red fish but then immediately shifted my focus onto making sure that I keep the blue one alive. I got rid of the sand, since it gets mighty dirty with the food, and also threw away the plants, since it’s so much bigger than the fish and hence irritatingly distracting. So now all I have is the bowl, some water, and my blue survivor fishie.

As expected, a friend started teasing me about my dead fish. He said that the incident says something about the owner, and how I was not ready for a relationship. I take the blame for this teasing because I did tell him once that it’s proof that you are ready for a relationship if you can take care of fish. I knew that was going to come back and bite me in the ass! But anyway, in the end he did redeem himself by saying that maybe I was meant to have just one fish...

Jaybee also saved the day by saying that sometimes, no matter how diligently you take care of something they can still die on you -- fish and relationships included. It must be remembered, though, that the operative word in this statement is can; it's just a possibility, there is no reason to believe that it will. So despite the little bit of cynicism that the death of my red fish inevitably brought, there is still some hope in me. In situations like these, when you know you are doing all you can to keep something alive, the only other thing left to do is keep the faith.

Nowadays I feed my fish and talk to him and shower him with love, but I still do fear that one day I will wake up to find him floating belly-up in the surface of the water. However I am comforted by the thought that when that day comes -- armed with the knowledge that I have done everything I can to keep him alive -- I will be strong enough to calmly scoop him up, say a prayer, flush him down the toilet, and walk away...

...Then buy a new bunch of fish from Nurenjie.

Now only if new relationships were as easy.

Olympic Men's Basketball: USA vs China

This was one of the games which I would have given anything to watch. Well, maybe not anything, but I would have given quite a lot to get tickets to this match. :)

I am no expert but having grown up in a home that is permanently tuned in to PBA, NBA, PBL, UAAP, NCAA and even the annual summer basketball leagues in the village, I do like the occasional good match, and this seemed to promise to go down the record books -- and not because George Bush is attending it. With Yao Ming and a formidable team (yes basketball is also quite big in China, hence the team of likewise creditable players) facing against, well, Kobe Bryant and the long list of superstars from the USA team, this of course is bound to be a showdown.

And they did not disappoint. As I write this, it's halftime, and the first two quarters have been nothing short of exciting (despite China being down 14 points... well!). The game was quite appropriately opened by a three-point shot from Yao Ming -- but of course, were you expecting anything else? :) Anyway I am off to finish watching the game but no matter how this turns out, I would still go to bed quite pleased and entertained. :)

P.S. Yes I am secretly rooting for China, although that's a long shot since USA's performance is impeccable, and their dunks... make me speechless (and worried about the ring falling off!). I've lost track of how many times the commentator has used piaoliang! - which means beautiful - to refer to the USA teams' shots. 

...And since it's such a hot game I am also secretly waiting for a brawl to break out. Hahaha. That's just the former PBA fan in me.

Limbo

"For all I know you only see me as a friend... I try to tell myself, "Wake up
fool, this fairy tale's got to end."- Balisong by Rivermaya

I'd be lying to myself if I said that it doesn't make me happy, because it does. All those things that BC does which make me hope that he has actually turned into a better man (or that this 'better man' was in fact inside him all along) - they confuse me in that I'm on the fence between 'possibility' and just plain friendship. And for this reason, you are seeing yet another 'chronicle.'

I find his behavior quite weird since I came back from that trip home. Actually, a couple of days before leaving that week, he did something he's never done before: after having had dinner with me and some of my friends over at my apartment, he sent me an SMS thanking me for the 'nice evening' and wishing me an enjoyable time during my trip. Hmm.

Then the past weekend was also a question mark. I spent the better part of it with him - let's not go into details, but it did include a one-on-one talk that started from the evening and lasted till the wee hours of the next morning (oo, talk lang, wag ng magisip ng iba pa). And there are also those small things again... walking me home, offering to pay for lunch (and indeed ending up paying), asking me if I was melting under the Beijing summer heat and jokingly covering me with his jersey... it's weird because I know him as lazy, a cheapskate, often self-centered and not always very thoughtful or caring. All these things that I know him for totally refute those things he did during that weekend and that makes me wonder, did he take a pill or something? Or maybe the legendary Beijing pollution has gotten into his head?

Again I'd be lying if I said these things don't make me hopeful. And yes I cringe at the thought of 'hopefulness' because it is almost always coupled with disappointment. I know, I know. Tanga kung tanga. But what's a girl to do...?

Anyway, don't worry, I still chant my mantra everyday: Just friends, just friends... And if all these are signs that we're better friends now, then that at least makes me 68% happy. One part of me wishes that I can decode what he really thinks about me, but another part also knows I would be crushed if I knew for certain that there's no hope. So I guess what I'm saying is... I'm pretty much fine in this limbo of hopefulness, of not knowing, of straddling the fence between 'possibility' and just plain friendship. And the small things he does that make me happy* - those moments are just icing on the cake... and the highlights of my days. :)

===

* Oo na, sige na, di lang happy, kinikilig talaga ako minsan.

===

Afterthought: Ganito ba talaga pag Asian to Asian... mabagal?

Notes From the Field: T minus 4 Days before the Olympics

It would be unforgivable for someone to be in Beijing and not give a commentary on the thing that is on everyone's mind and lips, and on every nook and cranny of this crazed city. What else but the 'O' word...

One can just imagine the feverish pace at which China attempted to prepare itself for the ultimate sporting event since it was first announced that Beijing will host the Olympics way back in 2001. It's all that people talk about around here, and that I noticed from the first day I set foot in this city. It seemed everything that is being done or is happening in Beijing was for the Olympics. To everyone it seemed like 08-08-08 was one giant shared deadline - that when that day comes, everything should be picture-perfect from the infrastructures to the weather to the traffic and yes even to the people, their manners (No spitting on the streets! No wearing white socks with black shoes! - I'm serious) and even their English proficiency.

Now it's down to T minus 4 days. Everyone seems to be more high strung than usual. There's something in the air - Beijing actually feels alive. Beijing used to be more like a calm emperor walking down an imperial path; now, imagine that emperor is waving his robes around and dancing like there's to tomorrow to Flo Rida's 'Low'. Kinda disconcerting, isn't it? But nevertheless enjoyable.

I must admit I didn't really prepare for the Olympics. I was content on watching the Opening Ceremonies in one of the 26 Government-sponsored live telecasts in parks around the city, not to mention the millions of bars that will be broadcasting the events as well. I never joined any of the ticket raffles but by some lucky twist of fate it looks like I will get to at least see some sports - Diving, Taekwondo and Boxing - the latter, only because the Philippines is represented! I'm not really a fan of people trying to incapacitate each other with their fists. The rest of the days I will probably hang around the Olympic Green, you know, just for fun and to pick at the tourists (spoken like a true local Beijinger!).

Personally, for a 24-year old Filipino girl like me who never even dreamt of working anywhere else but Makati (okay, maybe Ortigas too, haha) this experience is exceptionally overwhelming. I thank God and all my lucky stars that I am given an opportunity to take part in this, to breathe the air that some of the best athletes in the world will also be breathing for the next couple of weeks. This whole experience is 85% coincidence, that's why I still believe that someone up there is smiling down on me and wants me to be happy. :)

At this point, even if you are not so much into sports, even if you don't have a clue who the hell these athletes are and what the hell that sport is that they play, you cannot help but get caught in the countdown to 08-08-08. The whole wide world is watching - yes, their stares are almost palpable - and right now there's really no other place to be but in the Jing!

Ai in Beijing (Delayed post)

On the last week of June I welcomed to Beijing one of my best friends from college, Aileen a.k.a. Dubai Girl a.k.a. the one with the gold bars. :) She had a business trip to Shanghai and swung by Beijing to experience the real China see her good friend Teng (haha that Shanghai diss right there was spoken like a true Beijinger!). Anyway after the airport incident things were pretty much okay. We of course we made the normal tourist rounds, and more. Ai met the (almost) famous Boy Chekwa - the first of my Pinoy friends to do so. Her reaction to him? I better leave that information for Ai to volunteer. ;)

Having Ai over was the best. We could not stop imagining how much more fun it would be to have all the lolas over. Super laugh trip -- from the first moment she landed, when I suggested that she wait for me at KFC in the airport. (Ai is allergic to chicken, hence hates KFC with a passion! Hahaha.) Of course we just ended up meeting at Starbucks. We also had that afternoon just watching old Bubble Gang episodes on YouTube, watching the "pa-cheeseburger ka naman" commercials (sorry naman out of touch kami ni Ai sa mga yun e! hehe) and of course the best ones were Roderick Paulate's jokes from 'That's My Doc.' (I-paunch kita sa fez mo e!)

The best thing about having a good friend with you is that everything just flows so naturally. I didn't have to explain anything to her; she knows my history, she knows my stories, she knows me. I didn't have to justify my statements or decisions, since she knows exactly why I've said or made them, and she knows where I'm coming from. And honestly, these are the things you really miss when you are far away from home. Add to that the fact that Ai has had the same experiences as me, living alone in a foreign land, and that makes it so much easier to relate to and understand each other.

I really hope Ai had a good time coz I sure did enjoy having her over! And I am sooo looking forward to that Dubai trip she promised me for next year. :) Love you lolers!

I sooo deserve a gold bar.

Haha. Ai might kill me for posting this. BUT. I do! I do deserve a gold bar!

Ai a.k.a. Dubai Girl was supposed to arrive in Beijing from Shanghai at 11:20pm yesterday. I was coming from a special screening of Sex and the City so I left the place at 11, thinking I'll be at the airport just in time to pick Ai up. I got to the airport at 11:45, already expecting flights to be delayed, as is the norm here in China.

But I was not expecting to be waiting until... (drumroll please) 3:30am.

I think I was half-asleep when Ai finally managed to give me a call at around that time. I had been waiting for my phone to ring for 3 hours, and when it finally did, my heart fell when I saw that the area code was 021. Shanghai's area code. I knew what it meant. Somebody was still in Shanghai.

Hahahahahaha. I laugh about it now but last night (well, effectively, it was already this morning) was quite an ordeal, I must say. Sleeping at the airport is never fun. And I was still in my office clothes because I had to do overtime at work then I headed to the SATC screening directly afterwards. Add to that the fact that this morning I still had to drag myself to the office since I had only filed for half-day leave. Oh well.

And that is why... Ai, I deserve a gold bar! Gold bar, gold bar! Pa-gold bar ka naman! :)

Random Rants

I used to post random thoughts on my blog when I am too lazy to organize the million things floating around in my head. But due to my cranky mood which has been going on for quite a while now, I figured "rants" was the more appropriate term.

1. Meron akong mga officemates na hayop sa lakas magsalita. Walang pagkakaiba ang lakas ng boses niya kahit pa nasa telepono, o kausap ang kaharap niya, o kausap yung sa ka-team niya na nasa kabilang side ng department namin, o kausap yung mga taga ibang planeta. Ano bang problema niya?

2. Pag sobrang ingay dito at gusto ko nang sumigaw sa pikon, ginagawa ko, nakikinig nalang sa iPod to block out all the noise. Oo NOISE talaga! No.1 hindi trabaho ang pinaguusapan 70% of the time. No.2 yung lengwahe nila, well, it's not the most melodic language. Pero ang masaklap dun kahit naka-todo na yung volume (and I almost risk shattering my eardrums) eh naririnig ko parin sila. Kakaiba diba!

3. May isa din akong officemate na akala ata niya beach etong floor namin. Kakaiba ang outfits. Katulad ngayon - ang suot eh normal na sleeveless, white skirt na flowy at mala-gladiator sandals. Huh??? Oo summer na, alam ko, pero sa loob ng office eh air-conditioned parin naman. Plus, hello, corporate office kami. Marami-rami ding pinakamatataas na leader ng organization namin ang nandito, sa floor namin mismo. Besides, Deputy General Manager na siya (mataas ang job grade yun). Naiinis ako kasi di ko ma-take na sa team namin mismo may mga taong unprofessional.

I know - live and let live. Pero bakit ba, blog ko to. Che.

4. Andaming trabaho, walang motivation.

5. Bakit kaya sa buhay, napakahirap gawin ng mga bagay na tama. In the same note, bakit kaya sa kumpanyang to, gustuhin mo mang gumawa ng tama, napakadaming pipigil sayo - the nature, structure, culture of the organization - something always gets in the way.

6. Malapit na kong mainis sa mga tao na nangungulit na sumabay sakin pagpunta sa gym. Haler. Pag nasa gym ka eh makikipagchismisan ka pa ba? Sakin kasi di talaga social activity ang pagpunta sa gym. Hingal na hingal ka na sa treadmill, poproblemahin mo pa ba ang small talk?

7. Vanity irritates me. To the highest level. Ayoko talaga sa mga taong high-maintenance. Palibhasa may pagka-cowboy ako. Pero ewan ko ba. Naiintindihan ko naman na kailangan mag-ayos. A healthy level of vanity is always needed, and in fact, appreciated. Pero pag OA na, uhm, parang hello ano ba. Di naman umikot na ang buhay mo sa pag-aayos sa sarili? Oh well. Like I always say. I don't like the things I don't understand.

8. Napag-usapan na namin to ni Jaybee dati. May pagka-balahura talaga sila. Walang finesse most of the time. No, not even finesse. Basic hygeine nalang. Is that too much to ask?

Well it seems hindi lang ako cranky, borderline racist pa ko. Joke lang. I'm tolerant most of the time. Wala lang talaga ako sa mood right now. I apologize na.

9. Kamote, kamote. Men are innately kamote. Period.

Ang dami ko palang rants. Hindi na healthy to.

Some people scare me

When I was in college and we were asked to draft a write-up for the yearbook, there was one question that made me pause and think: What is your biggest realization in college?

Eventually, I had answered that it was this: that you cannot expect people to have the same values as you do. People are raised in different environments, go through different experiences, and that makes us all fundamentally different. And what may be logical, natural or ethical to you, may not be for the next person.

Fast forward to four years later. It's often said that politics is inevitable, specially in the work arena. I understand politics despite refusing to be party to it most of the time. However some people either take it to the next level or just do things that can no longer be justified by 'naturally-occurring politics' - it's just plain stupid rude and these are the ones whom I don't understand. Don't they think that people can see through them and their blatant lies? Are they not afraid of the truth coming out? Of being confronted by the people they back-stab?

We are not able to and should in fact not hold people against the same ethical standards that you hold for yourself - this much I accept. I just find it hard that some people find amusement in messing up other peoples' lives. Have people grown so conniving that it's too much to expect anyone to just live and let live?

Well. *sigh* Work woes. You gotta have them, right? Back then I used to think my university was a melting pot of all kinds of people - hence the realization. In the course of my work experience I have met quite a number of interesting characters as well, including those who fit in the category I have just described above. I really don't understand them. The things that we don't understand, more often than not, scare us. And these people do scare the shit out of me.

Itchy Feet, Itchy Feet

It's a holiday in China tofay - Qing Ming a.k.a. Tom Sweeping day - don't ask me what it's for!

It has again taken me quite a while to go back and check Multiply. And as usual there are over 300 new posts. I was expecting it.

Anyway, it might take me a few posts to go over what has transpired since the last time I had an entry. But for now what I can say is... my feet are itchy!

I'm ready to explore a new place - not Manila. :) And not in the Philippines... Not yet, at least. Local tourism is in my 2009-2010 plans.

As for now... I need a cheap but exciting destination, and a travel partner. Aiiiyyyyaaa (in typical Beijinger fashion) -- those are actually two quite big hurdles. Hehe. I need to get out of China!

What to do, what to do...

Random Thought on Alicia Keys

"So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again"

--- Like You'll Never See Me Again by Alicia Keys

I own very few original audio cd's (total of, uhm, six?) and they are only from two artists: Eraserheads and Alicia Keys. I love her to bits. I have been a fan since "Songs from A Minor" to "The Diary of Alicia Keys" to "Unplugged" and now to "As I Am".

But lately I have been feeling rather sour towards her. Maybe it was her anti-climactic Grammy opening with Frank Sinatra, or her over-singing of the supposedly quite simple "No One" further into the show. I just feel like all of a sudden she's lacking soul - that which made her such a commanding perfomer before. Now it just feels like... well, a performance. Maybe it went away with all those pounds that she lost?

Don't get me wrong, the songs on her latest CD still sound great (the song above, a perfect example) but I hope she gets her *oomph* back into her live performances. In the meantime, though, guess I'll just be content with "Like You'll Never See Me Again" on repeat...

Postsecret + A 'Teacher's Day' Special (Long and Senti Post)

I can't remember when I first visited this site, but I know that it was because of Lucille.

Postsecret is one of those things that make an impact inversely proportional to its simplicity. The idea is so simple: write down a secret, send it in, Frank Warren (the founder) scans it then posts it on the site. Viewing the one-liners provides catharsis, either through a sense of vicariously revealing similar secrets or giving in to a twisted kind of voyeurism as you get to know about a hidden, usually juicy detail about a stranger's life.

Actually, Postsecret isn't the theme of this entry. There was one specific "secret" uploaded this week that got me thinking. If you are not able to view the secret, here's the text:

"A few years ago my husband celebrated his 25th year of teaching. After touching the lives of hundreds of students, not ONE rsvp'd to his surprise party. We had to cancel. He never knew it. He loves his job. I hate it."

That entry got me thinking about all the teachers I have had since my earliest memories of schooling. I had never been a bad student, but there was a time when I was just an average student. You know, just there and not quite noticed. Floating along, feeling invisible, and for the most part, being invisible. I feel like some teachers are wired to just notice the good students. And some, only notice the best. I believe there's a difference.

But the redeeming aspect of all this is, I have had teachers who I feel actually believed in me. Who appreciated me. Who perhaps saw potential, or drive, or discipline, or whatever -- they semed to see something in me and that alone drove me to prove to them that there is indeed something there. I feel indebted to them because they may not have realized it then, and in fact they may never know, but they encouraged me and challenged me to be the best student that I can be.

There's that teacher who pushed me to join MTAP¹ when I was in fourth grade in Seton² (refer to glossary below! haha). He caught me passing notes in class, too -- but he didn't take it against me and still went on and nominated me to be part of the team to represent the school. It was my first taste of inter-school competition, and my God was it scary, but I always refer to that year as the year when I "discovered" that I can be excellent if I put my mind and heart into something.

Fast forward to 6 years later, in 4th year high school (now representing St. Paul³) me and my teammates reached the regionals, the farthest that St. Paul has ever gone in the MTAP Competition, and I know somehow I still owe some of my triumph to my 4th grade Math teacher.

Then there was my 1st year HS English teacher. I was a transferee then and felt terribly shy and self-conscious. That was my "writer" phase when I first realized it is something that I enjoy and could potentially be something I'd do for the rest of my life. Freshmen were not allowed to join the school paper yet (what kind of rule was that?!) but anyway, having no options, I joined the English Literary club. I can still remember the assigned classroom where we would meet (2nd floor, next to the CR!).

And surprise surprise, I was the only freshman in the club, which automatically made me level representative (uh, duh, I represent myself). But despite my doubts about my talent (or the lack of it), she encouraged me, and she is one of those people who openly expressed her belief in me, and one whom I felt always treated me like an equal and not a lowly, naive student (which I probably was back then, hehe). She eventually became my ninang during my confirmation. And I went on and joined the school paper from 2nd to 4th year HS, becoming literary editor during my senior year and co-editing the Batch 2000 literary magazine⁴ -- which is, and always will be, one of my proudest accomplishments despite how ridiculously immature that litmag now looks in hindsight.

Speaking of the school paper, there's also the Paulinian Link⁵ adviser who, despite her old age (no offense meant!) never forgets my home phone number. Every year, she still calls me to ask if I can conduct the Paulinian Link workshop that they hold every start of the school year for potential Linkers⁵. It still makes me feel mighty special, and if only I were in town, I'd still gladly do it for her.

Then there's my 4th year class adviser. I know that she fought for me a number of times to ensure that I would retain honor student status at the end of each quarter, and consequently be eligible for academic honors during graduation. It boggles me to this day why she did that, because we were never close, but I guess that's just how you find out who really are rooting for you even if you do not expect or ask them to.

I also remember my 4th year English teacher - me and my friend Lew Anne would always talk about how she was such a role model for us - elegant, eloquent, and just so effortlessly... commanding. You'd shut up when she walks into the room (at least we would, and for Lew Anne and me, that's a feat! hehe). And considering how we (secretly) thought of the other teachers, to be sincerely respectful is, well, something.

But aside from that, the thing that I remember most about her was how she appreciated me. I had trained the senior batch (I think it was batch 2002) for the BAPPSA choral recitation competition. On the morning of the competition, she pulled me aside and handed me an envelope. Inside was a card, expressing her gratitude for my time and effort in coaching, and, well, a sum of money. I distinctly remember feeling happy not because of the money but because it meant that I was actually worth being paid. And the fact that she gave that before the competition meant that whether we win or not, I was still appreciated.

Lastly, there's my thesis adviser. She's probably one of the hardest people to please in the whole of DAC⁶. In no way was she going to have a teacher's pet; she was too upright (and perhaps busy???) to play favorites. She treated everyone equally, and challenged everyone to always be at their best, and to submit their best work every single time. Not doing so was a sign of disrespect - I agree. She held her students with high regard and expectations, and that challenges you to meet them. She also seemed to believd in my thesis more than I ever did. And for all these things, I have nothing but respect for her.

Maybe some people will say that they're just doing their jobs as teachers, or that it was by chance that I felt encouraged or challenged by their actions. Whatever the reasons may be, the fact remains that they have touched my life and left an indelible mark, and I owe a certain part of myself to them. Looking at how I turned out to be, I'm quite happy where I am -- and if only for that, I think some thanks are in order.

They may never get to read this, but this post is for Sir Miguel, Ms. dela Fuente, Mrs. Soliman, Mrs. Haresco, Mrs. Guevar, and Ma'am Adeva -- I will most definitely RSVP to all your "surprise parties", in the hopes of someday being able to personally say the "thank you" which you all deserve!

* * * * *

Glossary!

1. MTAP - literally Mathematics Teachers Association of the Philippines, honing the mathematical skills of promising students through its Math Competition. Used to be a big deal back then, not sure now...

2. Seton - Elizabeth Seton School in Las Pinas, where I graduated grade school

3. St. Paul - St. Paul College of Paranaque (SPCP), where I graduated high school

4. Batch 2000 Literary Magazine (litmag) a.k.a. Humanae Vitae - a compilation of literary works from SPCP students published during my senior year

5. Paulinian Link - the school paper of SPCP, and a "Linker" would be a writer for the paper

6. DAC - Department of Arts and Communication, College of Arts and Sciences, University of the Philippines - Manila, where I got my Organizational Communication degree