Second anniversary na namin 'to tsong.

For my friend Aprille, a recent joiner to the overseas Pinoys club. :)

It's been 731 days since I moved to Beijing and about as many ups and downs, life lessons, breakdowns, happy moments, triumphs, tears and laughter over this span of time.

A few years ago I read from an Arlene Chai book a few lines about migrants having two "homes" and how, no matter which home they are going to, they are always leaving another one behind; missing the sights and smells and sounds of one as they go rushing to the other. Now I know exactly how it feels. Exactly.

I spent the better part of these two years wishing everyday that time would pass swiftly by, that one day I would wake up and it will be time to go home. But it is inevitable to create a home and a life right where you are in the present, despite knowing and resolving that your situation is temporary, despite knowing that you will one day return to where you came from.

And so Beijing is also home to me now. The sights and smells and sounds of this city, like any other, has its good and bad sides. But I accept it for what it is, with only the occassional judgement, and I appreciate it for everything it has taught me. It's not perfect by any means, but I am loyal to this city and I snap back to anyone who talks trash about it.

Today I am compelled to look back and reflect on the direction my life has taken. 'Two years in a foreign city' never came up in any of my plans when I was younger, but having been through it, I realize this chapter of my life has been indispensable. I am also indebted to my parents for giving me both roots and wings. I wouldn't have it any other way. And when I have kids in the future I would encourage them to live in a foreign land once; I think it will help them become well-rounded individuals and see that there is a big, big world out there that can be not just discovered but experienced.

So I guess, the one-year countdown to the end of my Beijing contract officially begins today. But really, by now I should already know that plans are just plans, and just as easily changed.

Who knows where I'll find myself a day, a week, a month, a year from now? :)

Weekend in Qingdao

People from the office have commented that I looked like death, but instead of being bothered, I am somehow pleased about it. Rarely do I have reasons to be this tired, and the weekend that has just passed, despite leaving me looking (and feeling) like road kill, was in fact good fun.

Qingdao is a small port city located an hour's flight south of the capital. It sits right next to the sea so the expat crew from good old land-locked Beijing was more than happy to make their way to Qingdao for the weekend for some sun and surf. It was just icing on the cake that the city has just commenced its annual Beer Festival. (Yeah right! Hehe.)

I'm not a big beer drinker so I didn't join any of the drinking contests; I left that to the thousands of Chinese guzzlers who turned up for the festival and most of whom enjoyed gawking at our group because we looked like a United Nations contingent. 12 people, 10 nationalities. We had people from Hong Kong, the Netherlands, Turkey, Sweden, Kenya, Denmark, Tunisia, Australia, India and of course yours truly representing the Philippines. So I guess that freaked the locals out a little bit. Only a little bit.

Anyway aside from their fascination with beer, the locals also have a penchant for walking around the city in their beach wear. I guess that's what you get for living next to the sea. That also made people-watching a very enjoyable activity; the pace of life was not at all frantic and perfect for a relaxed weekend of strolling. Of course strolling takes its toll as well (case in point: today's muscle pain), but at least I just feel exhausted, not wasted.

All in all it was a fun weekend. We all need to get away from this crazy city once in a while. But now I'm feeling restless again... I need another project, or trip, something to plan. Or a haircut. Or maybe a new job. (Hehe where did that come from?) Anyway, photos to follow. Right now I have to go back to fantasizing about going back home and crawling into bed. An hour and a half to go...

Makes Me Wonder

I am once again weighing my options in anticipation of the end of my China stint. My time is up by September 2009, but as per company expatriation policy I will be able to leave for repatriation (i.e. going back to my home base organization, which is the Philippines) as early as six months prior to the expiration of my contract. Hence before we all know it, I could very well be headed back to the motherland by April 2009. (On a related note: I hope this serves as a warning to those who promised to visit me in Beijing! The clock is ticking, my friends!)

As I continue to ponder on my next move, I occasionally get these waves of desire to go back home. It's one giant tsunami of nostalgia washing over me, and it drowns out all thought of aggressive pursuit of ambitions and stretched career goals, even the low salary levels and inconveniences that come hand in hand with returning to the Philippines. I immediately switch to the stubborn, irrational Scorpio that I am - just wanting what I want, period. No explanations owed to anyone, not even my own self.

I have often fantasized about living in Manila again -- weekend lunches with the family... Seeing my friends anytime I want to... Impromptu reunions... Going for out-of-town roadtrips... Exploring domestic travel destinations... Driving to Tagaytay on a whim... Drowning my problems in funny stories and alcohol... Fun videoke nights belting E-heads songs... Speaking Filipino... In short, living the life I should have been living for the past two years, had I been home.

Now that I have the chance to return, it makes me wonder why I am even considering any other options apart from this one.

Thoughts on a Gloomy Tuesday

The previous title to this entry was "Bad Girls Always Win" in reference to how BC has chosen to pursue this certain girl which needless to say is the one the title is referring to. But then I decided against it, having realized I have no right to judge the people he wishes to pursue, and more so no right to project my own bitterness towards her.

Hence let me just discuss my feelings towards myself.

I have long tried rationalizing my actions by saying that I'm just another girl who likes a guy. I mean, who hasn't been there at one point in their lives? Giving the person you like special favors, special treatment - always special something. It's but natural when you are trying to win someone over, isn't it? But yeah, there is this moment where you see things as they really are, and in that moment I saw myself and what I had a risk of becoming: a pathetic loser.

Which is why I have also decided to put an end to this. And yes I know what you'll be saying - that you've heard this all before (mas feel pag tagalog... alam kong sasabihin niyo, "Narinig ko na yan!") and I agree with you fully if you say that. At this point I have no excuses. I won't defend myself and why I didn't heed the warning signs indicating that BC is really nothing more than a kamote trying to pass himself off as human. I won't even justify the perhaps undeserved kindness that I've shown him over the past few months. At this point I now just expect all of you good friends to be like that compassionate, loving father who says, "Kung sa'n ka masaya, suportahan ta ka."

I am no loser, and I'll never be one for anyone. Tama na ang kahibangang ito! I am fabulous. I believe I have a lot to offer. I am a soul of gold so...

Darna!

Hahaha. Yeah I'm just trying to cheer myself up with this entry and so far it's working. :)

* * *

I was deleting old mails and came across these few lines I had written about BC a few months back. I sent it to Jaybee and not quite sure why I didn't post it in my blog.

Although these words are now just saccharine mush to me, re-reading it reminded me of how powerful an inspiration a 'muse' can be, and how easy words flow when you have someone to write them for.

You're such a smooth talker - I'm not quite sure if you know. I wonder if you really mean what you say, or if you simply know how to pull at my strings, and you just want to try and see what happens. How would I respond? Would I blush? Or perhaps, come back with a sarcastic remark? Would I laugh and just shrug it off as one of your casual jokes?

You don't know but these quips of yours end up as highlights of my day. Believe me, I try to not let them be. But then I would just find myself telling the story to anyone who would listen. And every time I recall and retell, it still would make me smile. Despite the uncertainty of your intentions and sincerity, it still makes me smile. People expect me to know better than to think your words are real... But as I said, you're such a smooth talker, and your words just glide through to me, and I can't... can't help it... that it does.

But, like I said, these were written months back. Old lines, old feeling.

Frustration with a capital F

There aren't enough hours in a day to waste. I can't believe the long weekend is over and that I will be headed back to work in a few hours. I am so not in the mood to go back to work. So I guess the smart thing to do is... while away my frustration at this ungodly hour by answering another survey.

What were you doing last Friday night?
- Had a good dinner at a Middle Eastern restaurant then watched an excellent Hindi movie called Lagaan, which converted me into an Aamir Khan fan overnight. :)

Name something you did yesterday?
- Watched Wedding Crashers on DVD

Last person you text messaged?
- Jaim

Who was the last person to call you?
- Mark

Next time you travel out of the country where will it be?
- US... If I get my visa.

What color are your eyes?
- Really dark brown that it's almost black. Like everyone from home.

Are you allergic to anything?
- Glitter... and rude people.

Last place you ordered food from?
- Ganges. Indian food.

Who knows lots of secrets about you?
- Good friends. And my sister.

When was the last time you lied?
- Can't remember...

Do you like fire? Why?
- I like it the normal amount, for pragmatic purposes.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
- Jeans.

Do you want to be a teacher?
- Sometimes I think I do. I'm just afraid I won't have enough patience.

Is anyone jealous of you?
- Not that I know of. Hehe.

Have any regrets?
- Every once in a while, but I try not to think about it.

Is cheating ever okay?
- No. I quite judge people who cheat.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
- A Beijing cab driver.

What are you looking forward to?
- Salary adjustment this month, Jaybee visiting in October and the US trip in November. :)

What's your name spelled backwards?
- inibam ademarrab enna enitsirhc

What did you do last night?
- Game night at Irene's. We played the Beijing version Monopoly and I won! :)

The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
- Come A Little Bit Closer by Brandy - that's because of you Mariel! :)

Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
- Thank God I've never been that bored. Hehe.

Last time you swam in a pool?
- A couple of weeks ago. In Alexander.

What are you wearing?
- Sleep wear

How many cars have you owned?
- Technically, none that I've bought with my own money.

Type of music you dislike most?
- Heavy metal

Are you registered to vote?
- Yep

Do you have cable?
- Yep, like 70 Chinese channels that I have no use of.

What kind of computer do you use?
- A black Macbook

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
- Yes!

Furthest place you ever traveled?
- Europe

What's your favorite comic strip?
- Does Far Side count? There's also a witty one on Inquirer but I don't know what it's called.

Do u know all the words to the national anthem?
- I better!

Shower, morning or night?
- Preferably both

Best movie you've seen in the past month?
- Lagaan

Favorite pizza toppings?
- Beef, mushroom, garlic and extra cheese. Hay I miss A Veneto.

What cell phone provider do you have?
- Globe and China Mobile

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
- Does personality day count? When I was in grade 6 I think. Haha

Orange juice or Apple?
- Apple

Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
- My best Beijing girls Haifa and Gauri

Favorite chocolate bar?
- Rittersport White Chocolate with Hazelnuts and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (does my second one count?)

Who is your longest friend and how long?
- Elaine. About 13 years.

Ever thrown up in public?
- Hahahaha once and it's something I would love to forget. Hehehe

Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
- The latter, but I wonder if they are mutually exclusive...

Do you believe in love at first sight?
- Attraction, yes. Love, I doubt.

Where would you like to go right now?
- Anywhere I can be with family and good friends. Preferably with some good Pinoy food and booze... and throw in a beautiful sunset as well. :)

Survey. Not useful for you... Don't read.

Mariel tagged me. Too lazy to work. You were warned.

What/who's your favorite...
activity: doing nothing. then spending money.
sport: to watch, basketball.
number: 3
color(s): red, black, white. and yellow, on more cheerful days.
person: naman, too many.
day & month: friday, december
outfit: work suits. hehe. and anything i look good in.
clothing brand: nike
shopping store(s): Carrefour... hehe
brand of makeup: clinique, red earth
'saying': hehe
collection in your younger years: letters from friends
collection in present: gadgets
book: rage of angels
teacher: ma'am adeva
school subject: AV Comm and Speech Comm and Geometry. Nerdox.
game(s): Taboo and Cranium
restaurant/fastfood: jollibee for life
pop/juice/alcoholic/any drink: coke light, nestea iced tea, watermelon juice, mugua niunai (some kind of papaya drink with milk)
fruit: banana and good mangoes.
chocolate bar/candy: ritter sport hazelnut in white chocolate! and snickers, ok na rin.
dish: my papa's adobo, my papa's sinigang, my papa's caldereta
potato chips: ruffles cheddar and sour cream or lay's sour cream
icecream flavor: pistachio on some brands. and anything chunky.
actor & actress: adam sandler and drew barrymore
cartoon character: uhm, pooh? hehe
singer & band: eraserheads and APO hiking society
song: right now, take it from here by justin timberlake
music genre(s): hip hop, r&b, acoustic
tv show(s): friends, grey's anatomy, gossip girl, heroes, desperate housewives
tv channel(s): discovery channel (can you blame me, yan lang ang available)
animated movie: monsters inc, toy story, finding nemo. the disney classics
recent movie(s): dreamgirls, hairspray
three movies: moulin rouge, patch adams, wedding singer
movie genre(s): anything but action and scary movies
website(s): www.postsecret.com, www.facebook.com
flower: lilies
animal: puppies
season: spring and fall
winter activity: staying in and watching dvd's
holiday: christmas and new year and my birthday
place you have lived: manila, cebu, beijing
spot to hang out: a friend's apartment
vacation spot: jiuzhaigou, and i've always wanted to see brazil.

Petiks Kung Petiks

Tapos na ang maliligayang araw ng pagpetiks. Masaklap. Papasok na ulet yung department head namin sa Tuesday. Balik trabaho nanaman ako. Ang mahirap dun, tinatamad na ko sa position ko.

Feeling ko malakas talaga ang tendency ko magsawa... Kailangan after at least a year eh may mga pagbabago sa ginagawa ko or else I start getting frustrated hence stop working. Yung manager ko dati kahit papano namomotivate ako na magtrabaho, kasi I'm very open to her about feeling like crap about my job and she somehow finds a way to get me back on track. Kaya lang nag-resign na siya. So kailangan kong bunuin to mag-isa.

Wala lang. Daming laman ng to-do list pero mas gugustuhin ko pa na malintikan sa department head namin pagbalik niya kaysa gawin ko yung mga nasa listahan na yun. Yun ang nakakatakot dun... Yung wala na kong takot. Petiks kung petiks.

Sa sobrang tamad ko ngayon ni hindi na ako gumamit ng English sa blog na ito. Nakakatamad talaga. Countdown na lang bago mag-weekend.

*yawn*

Mind Games: Necessary Evil?

When I first started liking Boy Chekwa, many of my close friends immediately found out about it. I'm open like that - since I'm also often excited about sharing stories and 'conquests'. Needless to say my friends have their own opinions on how I should go about this and how to eventually hook that elusive Chekwa.

Perhaps the most common advice I get from friends has something to do with:
- not always being available to him

- not being too nice to him

- not inviting him to activities too often

- not seeing him so often

- not doing him any favors

...you get the idea. I understand where they're coming from; it does not mean I advocate it though. I still get confused whether to follow this advice, or act according to my natural instincts. And natural for me is being nice to people I like - platonic friends included.

You see I'm no expert in flirting, dating or relationships, but what little experience I have has taught me that you can win people over by plain old treating them nicely and showing them who you really are. Some people take longer to notice that you could be what they've been looking for, but generally they all end up realizing that sooner or later. Or at least that's what I'd like to believe.

The sheer number of friends who have been encouraging me to play mind games with BC is just... well, sheer. So many people tell me that this is the way to go; but I've never been good at mind games which is why I am more than happy to not follow this advice. But tell me, is this really how things are supposed to work? Am I really too hopeful and idealistic to think that being nice to him will actually win him over? Or do men really enjoy the thrill of the chase, so much so that they are blind to other simpler women with whom what you see is what you get?
Anyway, at the end of the day I know I'm going to act according to what my heart tells me and according to what makes me happy. I'm just rather curious – if everyone else in this world were actually playing mind games with each other, how can other people still end up together and stay together? At some point I guess the games would have to stop and everyone must let down their guard – it just kind of makes me wonder why anyone would even bother to start playing these games in the first place.

Fork in the Road

In 22 days, I will begin to count down my last year in China.

It still surprises me that it has been two years since I first landed in this city. It was September 27, 2006 when I took that flight to Beijing. Bagyong Milenyo was rampaging Manila at that time and we were the last flight to take off for the day - all others were cancelled. Talk about my sheer luck.

I have spent the better part of my first year here wishing I could fast forward to 2009 and also going home every couple of months on average. Now for some reason, I wish I could pause time... I just need it to stop ticking, stop the countdown for a while as I decipher my next move.

It's not so much the leaving that bothers me; it's more of the fact that I am again facing make-or-break decisions. Another fork in the road. And as the years go by, the decisions only get harder and harder, and the number of choices seem to multiply exponentially over time.

I have been lucky in life for the most part - and I thank God and all my lucky stars for that - but for this same reason I have developed a sort of 'pre-risk' aversion. I call it that because I spend a lot of time worrying about what decisions to take, but I am not scared to take the plunge once the decision has been made. Imagine being scared about deciding whether or not to enter a dark cave... but once you step inside you feel a sense of calm and acceptance about your decision, and resolve to just hope against hope that the choice you made turns out to be the right one. You also resolve not to go running out of that cave anytime soon. That's how this pre-risk aversion works for me.

The rational, logical, business suit-clad part of me says there's always a way to calculate risk, and the best decisions are the informed ones. On the other hand, the life-loving, passionate, impulsive part of me that rocks to Eheads songs tells me that when I stand there before the fork in my road, my heart will know what's best for me. In many previous life decisions I have made -- like which course to take in college and what school to go to and which company to work for and whether or not I should stay in the MISE program and whether to choose location vs. position for expatriation -- there seems to have been some sort of compromise between logic and passion.

Should I stay? Should I go? Where should I go? What do I want?

I can feel my palms starting to sweat just thinking about it.

I will just have to find a way to work out that same balance between logic and passion this time. Pray to God my brain doesn't explode from too much thinking!

My Olympic Experience

WARNING: Partially emote entry.
(hanep sa title parang pang grade school formal theme writing. heheh)

I thought I'd write a long, grand post-Olympic entry but in true Teng fashion the thoughts are all a-jumbled in my head. That's why it has taken me a week to post this. I don't even know where to start. The past two weeks have been a mess of Opening Ceremonies and event tickets and scalpers and scams and gold medals and broken world records, to say the least, that even I was caught up in the frenzy.

Let me start out with the most seemingly life-changing experience. I know it's corny, but the first time I stood in the Olympic green, surrounded by a well-lit Bird's Nest and Water Cube, I wanted to cry. Very similar to what I felt when I first saw St. Peter's Basilica, or actual falling snow. It was overwhelming standing there. I was in awe. What can I say? If five years ago somebody had told me I'd be witnessing the 2008 Olympics with my very eyes, I would probably have laughed my ass off and said, "Heller!".

The thing is, nothing can change where I came from; I'm still just a simple girl from a developing country, and in most ways I think we were brought up to be unassuming. Blame it on the third-world effect. As a kid, I never expected actually going to these places that I've been to in the last few years. I wished, yes, but never expected. But God... what a way to prove me wrong! I am humbled to have been here and to have experienced this.

ANYWAY!

Onto other lighter stuff:
1. I think Yao Ming is way overrated (and I know millions of Chinese will kill me for that statement!). But I think it's the celebrity status that makes him such a hero and not the other way around. That's just my personal opinion.

2. Nakakaloka yung performance ng London nung closing! Kinda gives you an idea of what the 2012 Olympics will be like... A bunch of pop artists, a violinist in skimpy hot pants and David Beckham. Hehe.

3. The Bird's Nest and Water Cube has a combined seating capacity of 108,000, and yet getting in and out of the venues was easier than getting across one end of SM Southmall to the other during their 3-day sale. I guess that only means... SM Southmall needs better crowd control.

4. Line 10 is a God-send. For the Olympics, several new subway lines were built, including an Airport Express Line (just like HK's) and Line 10, with a station directly in front of my apartment building and connects directly to the Olympic Green!

5. One of my biggest discoveries of this Olympics is an Indian boxer by the name of Vijender Kumar (you'll see him in my Olympics album). Vijender won for India their first medal in Boxing, ever. It was by chance that I got to watch him, since he was competing on the same night when Harry Tanamor, the Filipino boxer, was supposed to be competing if he had gotten through the qualifying round. Anyway, it was fun cheering for Vijender - I never knew boxers could be so attractive. Si Manny kasi e. Na-stereotype ko na tuloy ang mga boxers. Hehe.

Needless to say the Summer Olympics 2008 will forever be one of my most significant memories in Beijing... And now I have nothing left to say.

P.S. I am have now officially named my little blue fishie "Phelps". Isn't that a great name! :)