The Writer in Me

Modified 1-Dec 2004, 5:45pm:

THIS POST SUCKS. I AM NOT A WRITER AT ALL.

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Writing used to be my passion.



I hate that I said "used to be."



When I was at the crossroads of my life, namely while I was deciding on a course to take for college, I weighed all my options. Believe it or not, Math was my first love, my first talent. I was first "discovered" for my potential in Math. I remembered joing the MTAP competition during my earlier grade school years.



By sixth grade, however, winds began to blow in another direction. I suddenly found myself a member of the Young Writer's Club and wanting *desperately* to write for our school paper (in Seton -- but they only allowed high school students then). By the time I entered high school and switched schools (went to St. Paul) -- I felt like a full-pledged writer. I competed in essay writing and poetry writing and joined the English Writing Club. I joined the school paper (Paulinian Link) and started contributing features and literary articles. By the end of high school, I was Literary Editor and I received awards for Campus Journalism and Creative Writing.



I remember in high school, friends often ask for my help when there is a writing assignment. I also remember their feedback everytime a (mushy) piece would get published in a new edition of the school paper. I still believe our literary magazine (Humanae Vitae, SPCP LitMag 2000) is one of the better literary magazines that the Paulinians have seen. These things, among others, reinforced my belief that I am indeed a writer at heart.



And so I took BA Organizational Communication in college. Needless to say it was communication-intensive, both oral and written. I loved loved loved my course.



But now I'm afraid the winds of change are blowing once again... this time, I do not want to follow it. My present job requires minimal creativity, let alone requires minimal writing... and I am afraid that I will eventually kill off the writer in me.



This blog is actually an effort to revive that part of me. I know she's there, somewhere, struggling to be free. But... for now, I have to be practical. To stick with the job until I'm stable enough to move on and find what I really want to do... if I still haven't found it in Maersk.



So, ok... I guess I had to write this piece to convince me that Teng the Writer is still alive and kicking.



So scratch the first statement.



Writing is my passion.

Changes

Below is something you will see on my friendster page:

Written 5.Nov.2004.

There are a lot of things about Friendster that now scare me. For the first time in almost four months, I take a good look at my network of friends here (in Friendster) and the first emotion that stabbed me was fear. And even I was surprised.



I now know what it means to be afraid of change. I see my friends and realize that some of them are no longer the same people... Not the ones they used to be. Or at least, they don't seem to be... but I think the scariest part of it all is seeing other people evolving and changing... Then wondering if you still are a part of their new lives... When in fact... You're just another picture in their long list of friends in friendster after all...

I was talking to my good friend Laine only a few minutes ago, telling her the original message of that statement. Actually, what I really wanted to write but edited out was...

But I think the scariest part of it all is seeing other people evolving and changing... and then you look at yourself in the mirror... and see that you have remained the same... you haven't changed, not a bit... Then wondering if you still are a part of their new lives... When in fact... You're just another picture in their long list of friends in friendster after all...

Do you ever feel like everyone's changing, but you haven't changed ENOUGH? Is it that you've been so stuck to something for so long, you don't know if the problem is you or the people around you?



I do believe that change is the only constant in this world. And after all, who is to say that change is not good? Maybe we just get so used to something being the way it is that we hold on to it, even if clearly, it's no longer the way it used to be.



But on th other hand, what's wrong with staying the same? What's wrong with being resistant to change? Have you ever imagined being totally happy and fulfilled, then being forced to change... just because "change is constant?"



Have I stumbled upon another one of life's most unanswerable questions...?



Damn, these are all jumbled thoughts.



Why are you still reading? Shoo! I'll just be confusing you! :)

A Thought from Delamar

I'd rather deal with failure than regret.

A quotable quote from one of the hosts of my new morning radio show, Morning Rush @ RX931. A few months back, my favorite morning show, The Morning Zoo Crew @ MAGIC899 was suddenly cut off air. Just like that. Vanished like a puff of smoke. I always thought they were a little aggressive with their suggestive comments, but I never knew they'd be sacked like that. Oh well. Life.



Not in the mood to blog much, but I really liked Delamar's quote, so there.

Surprise Surprise

I was dumbfounded when I realized that I have not updated my blog for more than a couple of months. I know, I know, this has happened time and again, but, well... It still does kind of surprise me, how I've been so negligent.



I was supposed to have this really long entry with all the nitty gritty of the two extraordinary weeks I spent in Copenhagen for my first module as a MISE trainee. But of course I still haven't gotten around to finishing it. And the worst part of it is, I may have forgotten some of the things that happened... it has been a couple of months after all.



So here I am again, resuscitated. Somehow I always feel like I have so much to say but so little time to type away. And of course during the past two months, so much has happened, I want to spill everything but I simply can't. So as in accordance to my age-old practice, here are some random thoughts:

I think now I know how it feels to be a working student. MISE is like so much like schoolwork, with assignments and lessons and deadlines -- all of which you have to accomplish on top of an 8-hour workday (that often does not end after 8 hours only). Sometimes I do feel like I'm back in school, but with even less time to deal with everything.

My favorite twins are out of the country. I suddenly missed them.

The Incredibles is easily one of the most entertaining movies I've seen in quite a while. My favorite character? Edna Mode, dahling, of course! :)

Playing on Yahoo! LAUNCHradio: Dangerously In Love. I so so so love that song.

My friends tease me about my pictures during the first module. Because there were so many MISE's from over 60 nations, with every degree of skin color you can think of, with blondes, brunettes, corn rows and braids, with chinky eyes and high-bridged noses... All kinds of people, literally. We define multicultural. :p

I watched the Alicia Keys concert! :) With my baby sister Tata and my elder brother Tam, at the Araneta Coliseum. It was sooo worth it. She was phenomenal. I did not feel shortchanged for my tickets. Not a bit.

I've got a new keyboard and a new optical mouse. My computer was reformatted and our DSL connection is up and running again. Now even if I get home from work at 10:00PM, I make it a point to "say hi" to my computer. God I've missed it! :) (This is one of the reasons why I haven't blogged as much... Computer kinda, uh, broke down. THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE THOUGH. Haha.)

I'm sleepy now. Need to hit the sack. More random thoughts in the next few posts. I hope.