Tossing and Turning (Random thoughts entry)

After having recovered from last week's social boredom, I am yet again facing another problematic habit - having trouble falling asleep. Yeah maybe it's not a habit, because for the most part it is something that I cannot control. I lie on my bed with the lights out, but my mind is completely lucid and is working in overdrive. And when I eventually fall asleep, I awake every couple of hours for no reason, hence by the time 8am rolls around and it's time to head to work, I am dragging my dead-tired, unrested body to the shower.

Let me unload some of my random thoughts, maybe this will help.

1. A Filipino will be competing during today's taekwondo event that I'm watching, and in the diving event on Friday. I so badly want to believe that there's still hope for a medal, but...

2. Salamat Jaim sa bigay mong iTunes gift certificate. Sa wakas nadagdagan ko na yung games ng iPod ko. Nakakaadik yung tatlong games na na-download ko. Monopoly is the best.

3. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta during the October holidays. Parang corny naman kung uuwi nanaman ako. (Ops Teng seryoso ikaw ba yan?!)

4. Masaya naman si blue fishie, sa totoo lang. He swims up and down his bowl and is so energetic, that it really convinces me that maybe he did kill the red fish. Possessive si blue fishie ko and he only wants the bowl (and perhaps the owner as well?) to himself. Hehe.

5. Naka-shuffle songs mode ang iPod ko. Ang tugtog: Your love is the greatest gift of all. (It's not the flowers wrapped in fancy paper...) Hahaha may naaalala ako sa kantang ito and it involves a 1/2 lengthwise piece of paper (also known as 1/3!). Hahaha walalang.

6. Ber na next month. Pasko nanaman... o kay tulin ng araw.

7. I am trying to memorize the Chinese song Beijing Huanying Ni (Beijing Welcomes You - watch it here with the English subtitles) - it's one of the official Olympic songs. Wala lang, achievement lang pag talaga ngang na-memorize ko yun. Next time you see me maybe you can ask me to sing it. Hehe. Beijing huanying ni, you mengxiang shei dou liaobuqi, you yongqi jiuhui you qiji... Amazing that I can even write that. I still can't believe sometimes that I can speak (even a little bit of) Chinese.

Okay, now I'm feeling sleepy. Hmm. Writing worked. Interesting. I'm off, before this sleepiness wears off again.

The Low-down on Last Week

My shitty week seems to have been cause for concern for some of my friends, who have been asking me what went down last week that was, well, so shitty. Honestly I also cannot pinpoint the cause of last week's gloom (and I'm pretty sure it was not just the famous Beijing pollution weather that was weighing me down). I felt irate, miserable and exhausted for no apparent reason. My theory was that since the Olympics was here, it was sucking out all the positive energy for all other life forms in Beijing. But then again, that's just me and my weird theories.

Anyway I'm finding it difficult to write about it since I am feeling so much better now. But let's see...

I guess one of the main reasons why I was so down was because most of my good friends were out of town for the week, all at the same time. And the ones left in Beijing were busy with a lot of other things... Don't ask me what they were, I don't know too. Basically that left me with nothing to do during my weekday evenings except stay home and watch DVD's. And reflect on how sad my life has become, therefore plunging me into deeper despair.

Add to that the troubles I've been going through at work (see previous entry on le bitch). Jaybee of course had something to say about that. Last Thursday morning, as I was complaining to him about the general misery that is my work life, he tells me, "There are more thrills outside the walls of your company and that job you take so seriously." That more or less kicked me out of my rut - reminding me that if work's a bitch then I must remember that there is still stuff that happen after 6pm to look forward to.

I also realized one other thing - that, at work, maybe I was taking the most inconsequential of things a little bit too seriously. I must admit that the past few weeks I have lost my focus, leading me to pay too much attention to things that in fact should not matter - le bitch included... other examples being blogging on Multiply during work hours. Hehe. So now I am slowly shifting my focus on rightfully important things like salary negotiations and working my butt off for another promotion. Weeeehhhhhh asa pa! But yeah you get what I mean.

After everything is said and done, like I mentioned in my previous entry, I have emerged from it relatively unscathed and I am now back to my baseline sometimes-cheerful-sometimes-irritable self. And now I have to quickly end this - I'm running off to the Bird's Nest to see Athletics Women's finals; six medals are up for grabs! :)

Finally, goodbye week 33!

I had written this rather long entry about how thankful I was that this week was coming to an end. But for some reason when I was about to publish it, I got an error, and then it was gone.

Anyway, honestly the past five days have definitely been one of the longest and painfully slow weeks I have had in quite a while. But I have emerged from it rather unscathed and will just be filing it as some days 'better left forgotten.'

Guess all I wanted to say is not to worry, I've gotten myself and my life back in order now and hopefully will not plunge back to sadness like I did the past week anytime soon. I'll be watching a number of Olympic events this week so that ought to cheer me up. I just found out that even if Philippines was eliminated at boxing on the first round (I was supposed to watch him tomorrow if he qualified), I will still catch a couple of Filipino athletes during the Men's Taekwondo and Men's 10m springboard preliminaries on Wednesday and Friday respectively. So that's a happy thought. :)

Hope you guys had a better week than I did, and happy weekend everyone! :)

Unfinished Business

I feel that it is so characteristic of me to just suddenly stop in mid-thought or mid-sentence, for no apparent reason. Going through my blog, this is also evident; I found these entries that I will most likely never get around to finishing. The moment has passed and the thoughts have fled, never to be relived.

Sometimes the reason why I do not finish my entries is because the things I am feeling then are too complex for words. So much so that I need to pause and work out exactly what I want to say before I attempt to express them. And that pause sometimes turns into, well, complete abandonment of the attempt.

Anyway... just out of curiosity – which one of these would you like to continue reading?

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1.
Fight or Flee
Nov 28, '07 1:43 PM

When I was in high school, back when mobile phones were a new fad, text was cheap, and I was a "factory" for love quotes of all kinds -- tragic tales, happy endings, romantic moments, heart-breaking confessions, unrequited affections, bumpy relationships -- I came across this one quote that I felt exemplified me and the way I see love:

"Don't be fooled into believing that letting go means you love best; instead, fight for your love -- that's what true love is all about."

I guess getting older means questioning many things in life, including the way you handle relationships.

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2.
No Other Place
Dec 25, '07 4:00 PM

Last week, I was so worked up about going back home for the holidays that I was extra-cheerful in the office. I came to work with a silly giant smile on my face and was playing Christmas carols since all the big bosses had already gone on vacation.

One afternoon, my boss asks, "Don't you get tired of going nowhere else but the Philippines?"

Without skipping a beat, I replied, "Honestly, there's no other place I'd rather be."

And a few seconds after that, on second thought, it suddenly hit me just how true this statement was.

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3.
Meet new friends, but keep the old
Jun 23, '08 5:27 PM

Meet new friends
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other is gold.

Was it our trusty PE teacher Mrs. Ruiz who taught us this song back in high school? She must be proud. I still remember.

That song quite appropriately describes the rough weekend that was. An old feeling called homesickness decided to pay me a visit. It was no longer familiar, actually; it caught me by surprise, because it likewise brought with it one of my other enemies - loneliness.

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4.
Pushing the envelope
Jul 14, '08 12:57 AM

I am happy that I still manage to surprise myself every now and then. The things that I get into nowadays... I sometimes wonder what I do to find myself in those situations.

I have lived a very sheltered life, and more often than not I feel that I do try to keep to a sheltered life. I was never one to take too many risks and people who know me well also know that I enjoy my me-time.

This new social lifestyle is exactly that – entirely new to me.

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Fish and Relationships

I had this idea that it would be cool to have more living things in my apartment. My friend Arjun, who moved to Hong Kong in May, left a small plant in my care but it eventually gave up on me; so last week I unceremoniously threw it away (sorry Arjun!) and headed to Nurenjie to pick up some new pets.

I got two tropical fish – one red, one blue. I put them in this nice bowl with dark sand and a few aquatic plants. I was so happy watching them swimming around and checking on them every once in a while, despite the teasing I received from friends about how dumbo it was to get fish as pets. Anyway I racked my brains for the perfect names for my fishies, and was leaning towards Tracy and Link, from the main characters of Hairspray.

The happiness was short-lived though as, when I came back home from work on Tuesday, the red fish was (yup you guessed it) no more. She (by virtue of her color I have decided that she is female), like many fishes I have seen dead before her, was motionless on the aquarium floor and shortly afterwards was floating belly-up near the surface of the water.

For a few moments I mourned the loss of my red fish but then immediately shifted my focus onto making sure that I keep the blue one alive. I got rid of the sand, since it gets mighty dirty with the food, and also threw away the plants, since it’s so much bigger than the fish and hence irritatingly distracting. So now all I have is the bowl, some water, and my blue survivor fishie.

As expected, a friend started teasing me about my dead fish. He said that the incident says something about the owner, and how I was not ready for a relationship. I take the blame for this teasing because I did tell him once that it’s proof that you are ready for a relationship if you can take care of fish. I knew that was going to come back and bite me in the ass! But anyway, in the end he did redeem himself by saying that maybe I was meant to have just one fish...

Jaybee also saved the day by saying that sometimes, no matter how diligently you take care of something they can still die on you -- fish and relationships included. It must be remembered, though, that the operative word in this statement is can; it's just a possibility, there is no reason to believe that it will. So despite the little bit of cynicism that the death of my red fish inevitably brought, there is still some hope in me. In situations like these, when you know you are doing all you can to keep something alive, the only other thing left to do is keep the faith.

Nowadays I feed my fish and talk to him and shower him with love, but I still do fear that one day I will wake up to find him floating belly-up in the surface of the water. However I am comforted by the thought that when that day comes -- armed with the knowledge that I have done everything I can to keep him alive -- I will be strong enough to calmly scoop him up, say a prayer, flush him down the toilet, and walk away...

...Then buy a new bunch of fish from Nurenjie.

Now only if new relationships were as easy.

Olympic Men's Basketball: USA vs China

This was one of the games which I would have given anything to watch. Well, maybe not anything, but I would have given quite a lot to get tickets to this match. :)

I am no expert but having grown up in a home that is permanently tuned in to PBA, NBA, PBL, UAAP, NCAA and even the annual summer basketball leagues in the village, I do like the occasional good match, and this seemed to promise to go down the record books -- and not because George Bush is attending it. With Yao Ming and a formidable team (yes basketball is also quite big in China, hence the team of likewise creditable players) facing against, well, Kobe Bryant and the long list of superstars from the USA team, this of course is bound to be a showdown.

And they did not disappoint. As I write this, it's halftime, and the first two quarters have been nothing short of exciting (despite China being down 14 points... well!). The game was quite appropriately opened by a three-point shot from Yao Ming -- but of course, were you expecting anything else? :) Anyway I am off to finish watching the game but no matter how this turns out, I would still go to bed quite pleased and entertained. :)

P.S. Yes I am secretly rooting for China, although that's a long shot since USA's performance is impeccable, and their dunks... make me speechless (and worried about the ring falling off!). I've lost track of how many times the commentator has used piaoliang! - which means beautiful - to refer to the USA teams' shots. 

...And since it's such a hot game I am also secretly waiting for a brawl to break out. Hahaha. That's just the former PBA fan in me.

Limbo

"For all I know you only see me as a friend... I try to tell myself, "Wake up
fool, this fairy tale's got to end."- Balisong by Rivermaya

I'd be lying to myself if I said that it doesn't make me happy, because it does. All those things that BC does which make me hope that he has actually turned into a better man (or that this 'better man' was in fact inside him all along) - they confuse me in that I'm on the fence between 'possibility' and just plain friendship. And for this reason, you are seeing yet another 'chronicle.'

I find his behavior quite weird since I came back from that trip home. Actually, a couple of days before leaving that week, he did something he's never done before: after having had dinner with me and some of my friends over at my apartment, he sent me an SMS thanking me for the 'nice evening' and wishing me an enjoyable time during my trip. Hmm.

Then the past weekend was also a question mark. I spent the better part of it with him - let's not go into details, but it did include a one-on-one talk that started from the evening and lasted till the wee hours of the next morning (oo, talk lang, wag ng magisip ng iba pa). And there are also those small things again... walking me home, offering to pay for lunch (and indeed ending up paying), asking me if I was melting under the Beijing summer heat and jokingly covering me with his jersey... it's weird because I know him as lazy, a cheapskate, often self-centered and not always very thoughtful or caring. All these things that I know him for totally refute those things he did during that weekend and that makes me wonder, did he take a pill or something? Or maybe the legendary Beijing pollution has gotten into his head?

Again I'd be lying if I said these things don't make me hopeful. And yes I cringe at the thought of 'hopefulness' because it is almost always coupled with disappointment. I know, I know. Tanga kung tanga. But what's a girl to do...?

Anyway, don't worry, I still chant my mantra everyday: Just friends, just friends... And if all these are signs that we're better friends now, then that at least makes me 68% happy. One part of me wishes that I can decode what he really thinks about me, but another part also knows I would be crushed if I knew for certain that there's no hope. So I guess what I'm saying is... I'm pretty much fine in this limbo of hopefulness, of not knowing, of straddling the fence between 'possibility' and just plain friendship. And the small things he does that make me happy* - those moments are just icing on the cake... and the highlights of my days. :)

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* Oo na, sige na, di lang happy, kinikilig talaga ako minsan.

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Afterthought: Ganito ba talaga pag Asian to Asian... mabagal?

Notes From the Field: T minus 4 Days before the Olympics

It would be unforgivable for someone to be in Beijing and not give a commentary on the thing that is on everyone's mind and lips, and on every nook and cranny of this crazed city. What else but the 'O' word...

One can just imagine the feverish pace at which China attempted to prepare itself for the ultimate sporting event since it was first announced that Beijing will host the Olympics way back in 2001. It's all that people talk about around here, and that I noticed from the first day I set foot in this city. It seemed everything that is being done or is happening in Beijing was for the Olympics. To everyone it seemed like 08-08-08 was one giant shared deadline - that when that day comes, everything should be picture-perfect from the infrastructures to the weather to the traffic and yes even to the people, their manners (No spitting on the streets! No wearing white socks with black shoes! - I'm serious) and even their English proficiency.

Now it's down to T minus 4 days. Everyone seems to be more high strung than usual. There's something in the air - Beijing actually feels alive. Beijing used to be more like a calm emperor walking down an imperial path; now, imagine that emperor is waving his robes around and dancing like there's to tomorrow to Flo Rida's 'Low'. Kinda disconcerting, isn't it? But nevertheless enjoyable.

I must admit I didn't really prepare for the Olympics. I was content on watching the Opening Ceremonies in one of the 26 Government-sponsored live telecasts in parks around the city, not to mention the millions of bars that will be broadcasting the events as well. I never joined any of the ticket raffles but by some lucky twist of fate it looks like I will get to at least see some sports - Diving, Taekwondo and Boxing - the latter, only because the Philippines is represented! I'm not really a fan of people trying to incapacitate each other with their fists. The rest of the days I will probably hang around the Olympic Green, you know, just for fun and to pick at the tourists (spoken like a true local Beijinger!).

Personally, for a 24-year old Filipino girl like me who never even dreamt of working anywhere else but Makati (okay, maybe Ortigas too, haha) this experience is exceptionally overwhelming. I thank God and all my lucky stars that I am given an opportunity to take part in this, to breathe the air that some of the best athletes in the world will also be breathing for the next couple of weeks. This whole experience is 85% coincidence, that's why I still believe that someone up there is smiling down on me and wants me to be happy. :)

At this point, even if you are not so much into sports, even if you don't have a clue who the hell these athletes are and what the hell that sport is that they play, you cannot help but get caught in the countdown to 08-08-08. The whole wide world is watching - yes, their stares are almost palpable - and right now there's really no other place to be but in the Jing!