Thoughts on a Gloomy Tuesday

The previous title to this entry was "Bad Girls Always Win" in reference to how BC has chosen to pursue this certain girl which needless to say is the one the title is referring to. But then I decided against it, having realized I have no right to judge the people he wishes to pursue, and more so no right to project my own bitterness towards her.

Hence let me just discuss my feelings towards myself.

I have long tried rationalizing my actions by saying that I'm just another girl who likes a guy. I mean, who hasn't been there at one point in their lives? Giving the person you like special favors, special treatment - always special something. It's but natural when you are trying to win someone over, isn't it? But yeah, there is this moment where you see things as they really are, and in that moment I saw myself and what I had a risk of becoming: a pathetic loser.

Which is why I have also decided to put an end to this. And yes I know what you'll be saying - that you've heard this all before (mas feel pag tagalog... alam kong sasabihin niyo, "Narinig ko na yan!") and I agree with you fully if you say that. At this point I have no excuses. I won't defend myself and why I didn't heed the warning signs indicating that BC is really nothing more than a kamote trying to pass himself off as human. I won't even justify the perhaps undeserved kindness that I've shown him over the past few months. At this point I now just expect all of you good friends to be like that compassionate, loving father who says, "Kung sa'n ka masaya, suportahan ta ka."

I am no loser, and I'll never be one for anyone. Tama na ang kahibangang ito! I am fabulous. I believe I have a lot to offer. I am a soul of gold so...

Darna!

Hahaha. Yeah I'm just trying to cheer myself up with this entry and so far it's working. :)

* * *

I was deleting old mails and came across these few lines I had written about BC a few months back. I sent it to Jaybee and not quite sure why I didn't post it in my blog.

Although these words are now just saccharine mush to me, re-reading it reminded me of how powerful an inspiration a 'muse' can be, and how easy words flow when you have someone to write them for.

You're such a smooth talker - I'm not quite sure if you know. I wonder if you really mean what you say, or if you simply know how to pull at my strings, and you just want to try and see what happens. How would I respond? Would I blush? Or perhaps, come back with a sarcastic remark? Would I laugh and just shrug it off as one of your casual jokes?

You don't know but these quips of yours end up as highlights of my day. Believe me, I try to not let them be. But then I would just find myself telling the story to anyone who would listen. And every time I recall and retell, it still would make me smile. Despite the uncertainty of your intentions and sincerity, it still makes me smile. People expect me to know better than to think your words are real... But as I said, you're such a smooth talker, and your words just glide through to me, and I can't... can't help it... that it does.

But, like I said, these were written months back. Old lines, old feeling.