Limbo

"For all I know you only see me as a friend... I try to tell myself, "Wake up
fool, this fairy tale's got to end."- Balisong by Rivermaya

I'd be lying to myself if I said that it doesn't make me happy, because it does. All those things that BC does which make me hope that he has actually turned into a better man (or that this 'better man' was in fact inside him all along) - they confuse me in that I'm on the fence between 'possibility' and just plain friendship. And for this reason, you are seeing yet another 'chronicle.'

I find his behavior quite weird since I came back from that trip home. Actually, a couple of days before leaving that week, he did something he's never done before: after having had dinner with me and some of my friends over at my apartment, he sent me an SMS thanking me for the 'nice evening' and wishing me an enjoyable time during my trip. Hmm.

Then the past weekend was also a question mark. I spent the better part of it with him - let's not go into details, but it did include a one-on-one talk that started from the evening and lasted till the wee hours of the next morning (oo, talk lang, wag ng magisip ng iba pa). And there are also those small things again... walking me home, offering to pay for lunch (and indeed ending up paying), asking me if I was melting under the Beijing summer heat and jokingly covering me with his jersey... it's weird because I know him as lazy, a cheapskate, often self-centered and not always very thoughtful or caring. All these things that I know him for totally refute those things he did during that weekend and that makes me wonder, did he take a pill or something? Or maybe the legendary Beijing pollution has gotten into his head?

Again I'd be lying if I said these things don't make me hopeful. And yes I cringe at the thought of 'hopefulness' because it is almost always coupled with disappointment. I know, I know. Tanga kung tanga. But what's a girl to do...?

Anyway, don't worry, I still chant my mantra everyday: Just friends, just friends... And if all these are signs that we're better friends now, then that at least makes me 68% happy. One part of me wishes that I can decode what he really thinks about me, but another part also knows I would be crushed if I knew for certain that there's no hope. So I guess what I'm saying is... I'm pretty much fine in this limbo of hopefulness, of not knowing, of straddling the fence between 'possibility' and just plain friendship. And the small things he does that make me happy* - those moments are just icing on the cake... and the highlights of my days. :)

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* Oo na, sige na, di lang happy, kinikilig talaga ako minsan.

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Afterthought: Ganito ba talaga pag Asian to Asian... mabagal?